Home > Monty Python's Flying Circus

The Light Entertainment War

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[♪]

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[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

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NARRATOR: Taking life as it comes.

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Sharing the good things and the bad things.

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Finding laughter and fun wherever they go.

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It's with these two happy-go-lucky rogues

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that our story begins.

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[TIRES SQUEALING]

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[CRASH]

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For it is they who were run over by Alex Diamond.

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International crime-fighter and playboy.

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Fast-moving, tough-talking

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and just one of the hundreds of famous people

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who suffer from lumbago, the endemic disease

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about which no one knows more

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than this man, Dr. Emile Konig.

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Doctor, surgeon, proctologist,

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and selfless fighter against human suffering

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whose doorbell was the one above

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the hero of our story tonight.

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Rear Admiral Humphrey De Vere.

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Yes, this is the story

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of Rear Admiral Humphrey De Vere,

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or rather, the story of his daughter.

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For it was her courage, foresight and understanding

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that enabled us to probe beneath

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the sophisticated veneer

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of the Royal Arsenal Women's College, Bagshot,

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and learn the true history of this man.

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Len Hanky. Chiropodist, voyeur, hen-teaser.

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The man of whom the chairman of Fiat once said:

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[IN ITALIAN]

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[PHONE RINGS]

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Si.

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NARRATOR: Yes, tonight we examine the career of Gino Agnelli.

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The man who started from nothing

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to build up one of the greatest firms in Europe.

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And whose telescope was bought from the shop

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part-owned by a man who, at the age of 8,

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stole a penknife from the son

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of this man's brother's housekeeper's

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dental hygenist's uncle,

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the Reverend Charlie "Drooper" Hyper-Squawk Smith.

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The cleft-palated RAF chaplain

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who, single-handed, shot down over 500 German chaplains.

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This is the story of the men who flew with him.

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It really is.

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Morning, squadron leader.

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What ho, Squiffy.

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How was it?

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Top-hole. Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father.

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Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harpers, and caught his can in the Bertie.

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Afraid I don't quite follow you, squadron leader.

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It's perfectly ordinary banter, Squiffy.

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Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father.

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Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harpers, and caught his can in the Bertie.

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I'm just not understanding banter at all well today.

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Give us it slower.

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Banter's not the same if you say it slower, Squiffy.

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Hold on, then. Wingco! Yes?

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Bend an ear to the squadron leader's banter for a sec?

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Can do. Jolly good.

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Fire away.

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Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father.

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Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harpers, and caught his can in the Bertie.

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No, I don't understand that banter at all.

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Something up with my banter, chaps?

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[ALARM SOUNDING]

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Hah. Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, sir!

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Grab your egg and fours and let's get the bacon delivered.

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Do you understand that?

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No, didn't get a word of it.

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Sorry, old man, we don't understand your banter.

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You know, bally ten-penny ones dropping in the custard.

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Um, Charlie Choppers chucking a handful.

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No, no, sorry.

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Say it a bit slower, old chap.

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Slower banter, sir?

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Rather.

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Um, sausage squad up the blue end.

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No, still don't get it.

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Um, cabbage crates coming over the briny?

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ALL: No, no, no.

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NARRATOR: But by then it was too late.

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The first cabbage crates hit London on July the 7th.

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That was just the beginning.

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Five shillings a dozen?

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That's ordinary cabbages, is it?

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And what about the bombs?

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Good Lord, they are expensive.

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Sir!

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Yes, what is it?

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News from the Western Front, sir.

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Yes?

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Big enemy attack at dawn, sir.

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Yes?

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Well... the enemy were all wearing little silver halos, sir, and they had fairy wands with big stars on the end and--

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They what?

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And they had spiders in matchboxes, sir.

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Good God. How did our chaps react?

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Well, they were jolly interested, sir.

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Some of them--

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I think it was the 4th Armored Brigade. They--

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They...

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Yes?

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Well, they went and had a look at the spiders, sir.

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Oh, my God! Well, thank you, Shirley.

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Sir!

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Get me the prime minister.

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Sir!

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Not that quickly.

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Sir.

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Gentlemen, it's now quite apparent that the enemy are not only fighting this war on the cheap, but they're also not taking it seriously.

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Bastards.

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First they drop cabbages instead of decent bombs--

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The crates were probably expensive.

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Quiet, critic!

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And now they're doing very silly things in one of the most vital areas of the war.

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What are we going to do, Shirley?

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Well, we've got to act fast before it saps morale.

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We're gonna show these Chinese--

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Germans.

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These Germans.

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We're gonna show them that no British soldier will descend to their level.

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Anyone found trivializing this war will face the supreme penalty that military law can provide.

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That was all right, I think?

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Seemed to go quite well.

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Sapper Walters, you stand before this court accused of carrying on the war by other than warlike means.

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To wit, that you did, on April the 16th, 1942, dressed up as a bag of dainties, flick wet towels at the enemy during the important offensive.

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Well, sir--

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Shut up.

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Colonel Fawcett for the prosecution.

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[CLEARS THROAT]

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Sir, we all know--

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Shut up.

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I'm sorry? Carry on.

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Sir, we all know the facts of the case.

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That Sapper Walters, being in possession of expensive military equipment, to wit, one Lee-Enfield .303 rifle and 72 rounds of ammunition valued at 140 pounds three shillings and sixpence, chose instead to use wet towels to take an enemy command post in the area of Basingstoke.

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Basingstoke? Basingstoke in Hampshire?

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Uh, no, no, no, sir, no.

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Oh, I see, carry on.

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The result of his action was that the enemy--

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Basingstoke where?

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Basingstoke in Westphalia, sir.

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Oh, I see. Carry on.

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The result of Walters' action was that the enemy received wet patches upon their trousers and in some cases, small, red strawberry marks upon their thighs.

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I didn't know there was a Basingstoke in Westphalia.

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It's on the map, sir.

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What map?

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The map of Westphalia as used by the army, sir.

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Well, I've certainly never heard of Basingstoke in Westphalia.

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It's a municipal borough, 27 miles north-northeast of Southampton.

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Its chief manufactures--

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Southampton in Westphalia?

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Yes, sir. Bricks, clothing.

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Nearby are remains of Basing House, burned down by Cromwell's cavalry--

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Who--? Who compiled this map?

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Cole Porter, sir.

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Cole Porter, who wrote "Kiss Me, Kate"?

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No, alas not, sir. This was the Cole Porter who wrote "Anything Goes," sir.

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I shall seek to prove the man--

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It's the same one.

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♪ In olden days A glimpse of stocking ♪

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I beg your pardon?

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♪ In olden days A glimpse of stocking ♪

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♪ Was looked on As something shocking ♪

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♪ Now heaven knows Anything goes ♪

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No, this one's, uh, different, sir.

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How did it go?

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What, sir?

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How does your "Anything Goes" go?

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Can I go home now?

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Shut up! Come on!

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Sir, really, I think this is--

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Come on, how does your "Anything Goes" go?

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♪ Anything goes in ♪

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♪ Anything goes out ♪

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♪ Fish, bananas, old pajamas Mutton, beef and trout ♪

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♪ Anything goes in-- ♪

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No, that's not it. Carry on.

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With respect, I shall prove that the man before you in the dock being in the possession of the following:

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One pair of army boots, value, 3 pounds 7 and 6, one pair of serge trousers, value, 2 pounds 3 and 6, one pair of gaiters, value, 68 pounds 10 shillings, one--

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Sixty-eight pounds 10 shillings for a pair of gaiters?

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They were special gaiters, sir.

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Special gaiters?

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Yes, sir, they were made in France, sir.

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One beret costing 14 shillings--

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What was special about them?

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They were made of a special fabric, sir.

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The buckles were made of empire silver instead of brass.

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The total value of the uniform was--

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Why was the accused wearing special gaiters?

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They were a presentation pair, sir, from the regiment.

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The total value of the uniform--

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Why did they present him with a special pair of gaiters?

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Sir, it seems to me totally irrelevant to the case whether the gaiters were presented to him or not.

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The court will be able to judge that for themselves.

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I want to know why the regiment presented the accused with a special pair of gaiters.

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He used to do things for them, sir.

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The total value of the uniform--

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What things?

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He used to oblige them, sir.

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The total value--

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Oblige them?

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Yes, sir. The total value of the uniform--

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How did he oblige them?

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What, sir?

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How did he oblige them?

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He, um, he used to make them happy in little ways, sir.

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The total value of the uniform could--

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Did he touch them at all?

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Sir! I submit that this is totally irrelevant.

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I want to know how he made them happy.

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He used to ram things up their--!

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All right! All right!

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No need to spell it out.

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What has the accused got to say?

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What, me?

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Yes. What have you got to say?

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What can I say, sir?

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I mean, how can I encapsulate in mere words my scorn for any military solution?

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The futility of modern warfare, and the hypocrisy by which contemporary government applies one standard to violence within the community and another to violence perpetrated by one community upon another?

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I'm sorry, but my client has become pretentious.

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I will say in his defense--

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We haven't finished the prosecution!

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Shut up! I'm in charge of this court. Stand up.

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Sit down! Go "moo."

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ALL: Moo.

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See? Right, now, on with the pixie hats.

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And order in the skating vicar.

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And...

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♪ Anything goes in Anything goes out ♪

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♪ Fish, bananas, old pajamas Mutton, beef and trout ♪

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♪ Anything goes in Anything goes out ♪

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♪ Fish, bananas, old pajamas Mutton, fish and trout ♪

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ANNOUNCER: Yes! Coming to this cinema soon.

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The tender, compassionate story

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of one man's love for another man in drag.

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[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

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Thrill to the excitement of a night emission over Germany.

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When the pilot, Jennifer, has to choose

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between his secret love for Louis,

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the hot-bloodedly bisexual navigator,

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and Andy, the rear gunner,

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who, though quite assertive with girls,

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tends to take the submissive role

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in his relationships with men.

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And sensational Mexican starlet Rosetta Nixon

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plays the head of bomber command

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whose passion for sea birds ends in tragedy.

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With Ginger

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as the half-man, half-woman parrot

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whose unnatural instincts

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brought forbidden love to the aviary.

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And Roger as Pip, the half-parrot,

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half-man, half-woman,

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three-quarter badger, ex-bigamist,

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Negro preacher for whom banjo playing was difficult.

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And he never mastered it, though he took courses

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and went to banjo college, ah, and everything.

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Don't miss it! Coming to your cinema soon.

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Only five minutes from this restaurant.

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But now...

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It's...

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[♪]

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[♪]

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Bloody repeats.

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[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

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Ahh!

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Yes. Repeats or war films.

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It really makes you want to micturate.

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People on television treat the general public like idiots.

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Well, we are idiots.

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Oh, no, we are not!

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Well, I am.

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How do you know you're an idiot?

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Oh, I can show you.

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How?

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Look.

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[WHOOPING]

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You see, the public are idiots.

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You might as well just show them the last five miles of the M2.

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They'd watch it, eh?

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At last they done been put on something interesting.

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Oh, most interesting.

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Our figures show conclusively that these motorways are extremely popular.

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I mean, last time we showed a repeat of the Leicester Bypass, our ratings gave us 97, 300, 912 and ITV naught.

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So I do feel that we ought to give

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B roads their own series.

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I'm sorry, we just can't give you a bigger budget.

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Budgie?

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No, he's left I think.

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Why not?

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Well, we're only one slice of the cake, you know.

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Wouldn't mind a slice of cake.

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Nice chocolate cake, delicious.

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I had a budgie once, you know. Lovely little budgie.

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Amusing little chap. Used to stick his head in a bell.

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What was his name, now?

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Uh, Joey? Uh, Xerxes?

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We could repeat them.

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Reheat them?

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No, repeat them.

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You don't reheat cakes. Not chocolate cakes.

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What, repeat the cakes?

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Mr. Heath. What?

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That was the name of the budgie.

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Good Lord, the bar's open.

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Oh, great.

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Oh, no. No, it isn't.

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I was looking at the little hand that goes round awfully fast.

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Blast.

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I've got it. We can retitle the repeats.

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What, give them different names?

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Wouldn't that mean retitling them?

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Brilliant!

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Right. All we need is new titles.

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And they must be damn new.

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How about Dad's Navy?

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Good, good, good.

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Up Your Mother Next Door.

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Even better.

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Doctor at Bee.

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What? [KNOCK ON DOOR]

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Someone's knocking at the door.

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Quite like it. Bit long, though, I think.

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Far too long.

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I Married Lucy.

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Hasn't that been done?

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Oh, yes, a long time ago, though.

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They'd never remember it.

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Doctor at Three.

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[KNOCK ON DOOR]

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I think someone's knocking at the door.

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That's even longer.

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I Married a Tree.

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And Mother Makes Tree.

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Doctor at Cake.

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Look, I'm not absolutely certain, but well, I do rather get the impression there is someone knocking on the door at this very moment.

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That's ridiculous. Half the program gone.

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Stop playing games!

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I Married a Cake.

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I Married Three Rabbit Jelly Molds.

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Prefer cake. Especially chocolate cake.

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MAN: Open the sodding door!

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No, no. You can't say "sodding" on television. No, no.

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You're supposed to knock!

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Sorry, sir, but there's trouble at Studio 5.

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You're in, uh, Security, are you?

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Yes, sir.

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Well, you're not allowed to suggest program titles.

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It's the World War series in Studio 5.

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They're not taking it seriously anymore.

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You're not allowed to suggest program titles.

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Look!

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Ahh! Mind me war wound!

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That's it! That's the one.

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Very good title. Very good.

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♪ Fish, bananas, old pajamas ♪

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God! Bloody World War II series.

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I hate them.

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Ooh, always the same, so damn predictable.

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Depressing, miserable.

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Day after day after day after day.

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Oh. Oh, evening star, if only we could have a decent day tomorrow.

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Oh, this weather's so wretched and awful and filthy and--

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[SNORING]

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[RATTLING]

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What? What? What's going on? What the hell is going--?

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Now I can't even sleep.

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[BUZZING]

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What--? What are they doing?

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[BUZZING, CLANGING]

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[GASPS]

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What was that? What was it? What is going on?

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Oh, I can't stand it.

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[NOISE FADES]

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Oh...

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[SNORING]

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[CLOCK RINGING]

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Oh! All right, that does it. That does it!

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[GRUMBLING]

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What a lovely day.

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Oh, I think I'm gonna just...

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[YAWNS, SNORES]

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[AIRPLANE HUMMING]

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[♪]

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I say.

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Yes, Daddy?

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Croquet hoops look damn pretty this afternoon.

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Frightfully damn pretty.

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They're coming along awfully well this year.

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Yes, better than your Aunt Lavinia's croquet hoops.

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Oh, dreadful tin things.

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I did tell her to stick to wood.

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Yes, you can't beat wood.

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"Gorn."

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What's "gorn," dear?

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Nothing, nothing, I just like the word.

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It gives me confidence.

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Gorn. Gorn. It's got a sort of woody quality about it.

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Gorn. Gorn.

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Much better than "newspaper" or "litter bin."

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Oh, frightful words.

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Perfectly dreadful.

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Uh, "newspaper," "litter bin." Dreadful tinny sort of words.

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[SCREAMS]

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Tin, tin, tin.

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Oh, dear, don't say "tin" to Rebecca, you know how it upsets her.

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Sorry, old horse.

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Sausage.

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Sausage.

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There's a good woody sort of word, "sausage."

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[CHUCKLES] Gorn.

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Antelope!

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Where? On the lawn?

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No, no, Daddy, just the word.

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Don't want antelope nibbling the hoops.

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No, no, "antelope." Sort of nice and woody type of thing.

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Don't think so, Becky, old chap.

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No, no. "Antelope,"

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"antelope," tinny sort of word.

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[SCREAMS] Oh, sorry, old man.

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Really, Mansfield.

00:22:46

Well, she's got to come to terms with these things.

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Seemly, prodding, vacuum, leap.

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Ooh, hate "leap."

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Perfectly dreadful.

00:23:01

Sort of PVC sort of word, don't you know.

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Lower-middle.

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Bound.

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Now you're talking.

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Bound, vole, recidivist.

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Bit tinny.

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[SCREAMS]

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Oh, sorry, Becky, old beast.

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Oh, dear. I suppose she'll be gorn for a few days now.

00:23:22

Caribou.

00:23:24

Splendid word!

00:23:25

No, dear, nibbling the hoops.

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Caribou gorn.

00:23:38

Intercourse.

00:23:40

Later, dear.

00:23:42

No, no, no. The word "intercourse."

00:23:44

Good and woody. Intercourse.

00:23:49

Pert, pert thighs. Botty, botty, botty.

00:23:52

Oh, erogenous zone.

00:23:57

Oh, concubine. Erogenous zone.

00:24:02

Loose woman. Erogenous zone--

00:24:06

Oh.

00:24:09

Oh, thank you, dear.

00:24:12

Uh, you know, it's a funny thing, dear, all the naughty words sound woody.

00:24:16

Really, dear?

00:24:18

How about "tit"?

00:24:19

Oh, dear, I hadn't thought about that.

00:24:22

Tit, tit. Oh, that's very tinny, isn't it? Tit, tit.

00:24:25

Uh, tinny, tinny, tinny. [SCREAMS]

00:24:29

Oh, dear.

00:24:32

Ocelot.

00:24:35

Wasp.

00:24:38

Yowling.

00:24:41

Oh, dear, I'm bored.

00:24:43

I'd better go and have a bath, I suppose.

00:24:45

Oh, really, must you, dear? You've had nine today.

00:24:47

All right, I'll sack one of the servants.

00:24:50

Simpkins! Nasty, tinny sort of name. Simpkins!

00:24:54

I say, mater, cabbage crates coming over the briny.

00:24:59

Sorry, dear, don't understand.

00:25:01

Uh, cow-catchers creeping up on the conning towers.

00:25:05

No, sorry, old sport.

00:25:07

Um, caribou nibbling at the croquet hoops.

00:25:09

Yes, Mansfield shot one in the antlers.

00:25:12

Oh, jolly good show. Is Becca about?

00:25:15

No, she's "gorn orff."

00:25:17

Oh, what a super woody sort of phrase, "gorn orff."

00:25:21

Yes, she's gorn orff because Mansfield said "tin" to her.

00:25:25

Oh, what rotten luck.

00:25:26

Yeah, well, whole afternoon to kill.

00:25:29

Better have a bath, I suppose.

00:25:31

Oh, Gervaise, do sing me a song.

00:25:33

Oh, okay.

00:25:36

Something woody.

00:25:40

♪ For she's going to marry Yum Yum ♪

00:25:45

Oh, crikey. Old song's finished her off.

00:25:49

What's "urp"?

00:25:50

Oh, I'm afraid Mrs. Vermin Jones appears to have passed on.

00:25:54

Dead, is she? Afraid so.

00:25:56

What a blow for her.

00:25:59

What I want to know, Mrs. Elizabeth III, is why they show us crap like this when there's bits of the Leicester Bypass what have never been shown. Biscuit?

00:26:09

Oh, thank you.

00:26:12

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

00:26:15

MAN: Appearing on the M2 were 4,281 Vauxhall Vivas

00:26:20

2,117 Vauxhall Vivas deluxe--

00:26:28

Bloody repeats.

00:26:32

Bloody repeats.

00:26:35

Repeats or war films. Makes you want to--

00:26:40

MAN: Hello and welcome to Show Jumping from--

00:26:42

Oh, motocross.

00:26:46

--just about to go into a jump-off against the clock.

00:26:49

The slight pause is for the stewards

00:26:51

who are repairing The Sound of Music.

00:26:53

Captain Phillips on Streuth

00:26:55

caught one of the nuns at the start of

00:26:57

what would've been a fine, clear round.

00:27:00

It's a formidable obstacle, this Sound of Music.

00:27:03

Eight nuns high, they're ready now and singing.

00:27:07

[BELL SOUNDS]

00:27:09

And there's the bell.

00:27:11

She's got 1.07 seconds to beat,

00:27:14

but she needs a clear round to win

00:27:16

as she comes towards The Sound of Music--

00:27:18

Quite exciting.

00:27:20

Beautifully taken. And now she needs

00:27:22

to pick up speed for Oklahoma!,

00:27:23

but not too much.

00:27:25

This is where Alan Jones knocked down poor Jud.

00:27:27

You notice how you never actually see the horses jump?

00:27:31

Superb. Superb show jumping.

00:27:34

She's coming up to the black-and-white minstrel show.

00:27:36

Watch this.

00:27:38

♪ .--music and dance ♪

00:27:40

And she's taken it. She's over the minstrels.

00:27:43

She just flicked Leslie Crowther with her tail.

00:27:45

The time's good, and now she turns

00:27:47

before coming into the final jump.

00:27:49

This is a tough one. It's Ben-Hur.

00:27:52

Forty-six chariots, 6000 spectators,

00:27:55

400 slaves, lions--

00:27:56

I bet we don't see this one.

00:28:01

We interrupt show jumping to bring you a news flash.

00:28:04

The Second World War has now entered a sentimental stage.

00:28:08

This morning on the Ardennes front the Germans started spooning at dawn.

00:28:13

But the British Fifth Army responded by gazing deep into their eyes, and the Germans are now reported to have gone all coy.

00:28:24

♪ When does a dream begin? ♪

00:28:27

♪ Does it start with a Goodnight kiss? ♪

00:28:32

♪ Is it conceived Or simply achieved? ♪

00:28:37

♪ When does a dream begin? ♪

00:28:41

♪ When does a dream begin? ♪

00:28:45

♪ Is it born In a moment of bliss? ♪

00:28:49

♪ Or is it begun When two hearts are one? ♪

00:28:54

♪ When does a dream exist? ♪

00:28:59

♪ The vision of you Appears somehow ♪

00:29:03

♪ Impossible to resist ♪

00:29:08

♪ But I'm not Imagining seeing you ♪

00:29:11

♪ For who could have Dreamed of this? ♪

00:29:16

♪ When does a dream begin? ♪

00:29:21

♪ When reality is dismissed? ♪

00:29:26

♪ Or does it commence When we lose all pretense? ♪

00:29:32

♪ When does a dream begin? ♪