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Hamlet

[♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

It's just that everywhere I go, it's the same old thing.

All anyone wants me to say is, "To be, or not to be."

That is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings-- Yes.

It's either that or

O, that this too too solid flesh should melt--

Would melt Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!

Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd

His canon 'gainst self-slaughter!

Yes, all that sort of thing. I'm just getting really fed--

Do the bit about "Alas, poor Yorick!"

No. I'm sick of it. I want to do something else.

I want to make something of my life.

No, I don't know that bit.

I want to get away from all that. Be different.

Well, um, what do you want to be?

A private dick.

A private dick?

Yes, a private dick.

Why do you wanna be a private dick?

Why does anyone want to be a private dick?

Fame, money, glamour, excitement, sex.

Oh, it's the sex, is it?

Well, that's one of the things, yes.

What's the sex problem?

There's no problem.

Come on. You've got this girl on the bed. She's ready for it.

No, it's nothing to do with that.

Oh, no, come on. There she is, she's all ready for it.

She's a real stunner, got great big tits, she's really well-stacked.

You've got her legs up against the mantelpiece.

All right, Mr. Butler, I'll take over.

[GRUNTS]

Morning, Mr. Hamlet.

My name's Natal. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

I was telling the other psychiatrist--

Uh, he's-- He is not a psychiatrist.

He said he was a psychiatrist.

Well, yes, um, he is a kind of psychiatrist, but he's, um-- He's not a proper psychiatrist.

Uh, he-- He's not, uh, fully qualified in, um, quite the sort of way that, uh, we should want.

Anyway, the problem, I believe, is basically sexual, is it?

I asked him that!

Get out!

Now then, you've, uh-- You've got the girl on the bed.

Been having a feel up, tongue down her throat.

She got her legs up on the mantelpiece--

Out, please! Out, please!

I'm talking to a patient--

[GROANS]

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

We have a lot of trouble here with bogus psychiatrists.

One of the risks in psychiatry.

Unfortunately, they do tend to frighten the patient and can cause real and permanent damage to the treatment.

But I assure you that I am a completely bona fide psychiatrist.

Here's my diploma in Psychiatry from the University of Oxford.

Uh, this here shows that I'm a member of the British Psychiatric Association, a very important body indeed.

Here's a letter from another psychiatrist in which he mentions I'm a psychiatrist.

This is my Psychiatric Club tie, and, as you can see, the cufflinks match.

I've got a copy of Psychiatry Today in my bag, which I think is pretty convincing.

And a letter from my mother in which she asks how the psychiatry's going.

I think you'll realize the one person you can't fool is your mother.

So if you'd like to ask me any questions about psychiatry,

I bet I can answer them. No, it's all right.

Okay.

You've got the girl on the bed, you've had a few drinks, her feet on the mantelpiece--

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes, what is it?

WOMAN: There's a proper psychiatrist here.

Oh, my God. Okay, thank you.

Right, thank you very much for answering the questions.

We'll try not to trouble you again, sir.

Right. You've got the girl down on the bed, you got her legs up on the mantelpiece...

[BABBLING]

Well, well done, Mr. Hamlet.

You've done extremely well in our disorientation tests.

Oh. Oh.

I'm sorry it might have confused you a little, but we do this to try and establish a very good doctor-patient relationship, you see? We do it to sort of, as it were, to break down the barriers. All right?

Yes, fine. Good.

You've got her legs up on the mantelpiece. She's really--

Ah-ah.

On behalf of the Psychiatric Association,

I should like to say that we are taking firm action to clamp down on the activities of bogus psychiatrists.

In fact, in many areas of modern psychiatry, computers are now being increasingly used for the first basic diagnosis, and this has gone a long way towards eliminating the danger of unqualified impostors.

Your tongue's down her throat,

she's got her legs on the mantelpiece--

Out!

[♪♪]

Good evening, and welcome to Nationwide, the program where we do rather wet things nationally, and also give you a chance to see some rather wet items for the regions.

Well, everyone is talking today about the Third World War, which broke out this morning.

But here on Nationwide, we're going to get away from that for a bit and look instead at the latest theory that sitting down regularly in a comfortable chair can rest your legs.

It sounds very nice, doesn't it, but can it be done?

Is it possible or practical for many of us in our jobs and with the sort of busy lives we lead to sit down in a comfortable chair just when we want?

We sent our reporter John Dull to find out.

Well, here I am on London's busy Westminster Bridge, seeing just how much time sitting down can take.

Well, I arrived here by train at about 8:50.

It's now 9:05, so I've been here for approximately 12 minutes.

And if it's any encouragement,

I must say that my legs do feel rested.

Is this your chair?

Uh...

Well, no, it's a-- It's a prop.

It's been stolen.

What?

This belongs to a Mrs. Edgeworth of Pinner.

She's standing over there.

Hoo.

Oh, well, it's nothing to do with me.

I mean, it's just a prop which the BBC--

Oh!

Got her name on the bottom.

Well, um, perhaps you'd better give it back to her.

You don't believe I'm a policeman, do you?

Yes, I do.

What am I wearing on my head?

A helmet.

A policeman's helmet.

Yes.

You see that? Yes.

That little number there?

Yes.

That is a Metropolitan Area Identification Code.

No helmet is authentic without that number.

I see.

Kids' helmets, helmets you get at toy shops, helmets you buy at Christmas, none of them has that number.

None of them is authentic. Hang on.

Oh, could I--? Hang on!

But--

Oh!

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

Mind you, I didn't join the police force just to wear the helmet, you know.

Oh, yeah?

That just happens to be one of the little perks.

COP: There are plenty of jobs where I could have worn a helmet but not such a nice helmet.

This helmet, I think, beats even some of the more elaborate helmets worn by the czar's private army, the so-called Axi red warriors.

You know about them?

Well, no, I don't.

Ah. Their helmets used to look like--

You got any paper?

Well, only these scripts, but--

All right.

Hey!

[WHISTLING]

I'll have that.

I say.

Now, then.

Their helmet was not unlike the bobby's helmet in basic shape.

It had an emblem here, and three gold--

And in those days it really was gold.

That's part of the reason why the czar was so unpopular.

Three gold bands surmounted by a golden eagle on the apex here.

Pretty nice helmet, eh?

Yes.

I think the domed helmet wins every time over the flattened job, you know.

Even where they're three-cornered or--

You want something to eat?

Well, no. I mean, really--

Hang on.

Uh...

You can't park here, you know.

We're not parked. We're not.

Not parked? What's that, then?

BOTH: That's our lunch. Right.

I'm taking that in for forensic examination.

Why? Why?

Because it might have been used as a murder weapon, that's why.

Now clear off.

Yeah, not bad. Could be worse.

Beer?

No. No, no, please.

Honestly. Please.

[CRASHING, GLASS SHATTERING]

[ALARM RINGING]

Now, then, the Chaldeans, who used to inhabit the area in between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, their helmet was of the modular, restrained kind of type.

They had a...

[MAN MOANING]

[SIREN BLARING]

Oh, Robert, tell me I'm beautiful.

You are, you are.

Oh, Robert, do you mean that?

Of course I do.

Oh.

You're not just saying it because I asked you to?

Of course not.

Oh, Robert.

Robert. Yes?

Are you sure it doesn't put you off?

What?

My father wanting to come and live with us.

[SCOFFS] No, of course I don't mind your father coming to live with us.

He wouldn't just be living with us.

W-what do you mean?

Well, he finds it very difficult to get to sleep on his own, so I said he could sleep with us.

He wants to put his bed in our room?

No, no, of course not.

Oh, good.

Our bed is plenty big enough for three.

What?

He'd just get into bed and go to sleep.

I'm not having that.

Oh, Robert, I thought you loved me.

Well, I do, but, uh--

Well, he wouldn't look.

He's bound to peek.

No, no, he wouldn't, honestly.

No, no, no!

You young couple just carry on. Take no notice of me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I don't want to feel as though I'm getting in the way.

Oh, no, Dad, you're not.

No, no. Good.

[SIGHS]

Well, I think I'll get to sleep.

Are you sure?

Oh, yes, I'm a bit tired after the wedding.

Bob, what about you?

Oh, yes. All right, yes.

Oh, well, I seem to be OC lights.

Good night, darling.

Good night.

Good night.

[SLOW RUSTLING]

[RAPID RUSTLING]

[SAW BUZZING]

[CLANGING]

[WOOD KNOCKING]

[CLANGING]

Father? Father, what are you doing?

I'm making a boat.

What?

It's-- It's the Cutty Sark.

It's a model I've been making in the dark for some years now.

Well, wouldn't it be better with the light on?

No, no, I'm making it in the dark, that's the point.

Oh, dear. It's not as accurate as I thought.

That's not the Cutty Sark.

Well, it hasn't got its sails on yet.

Oh, well, I'll, uh--

I'll have a look at it in the darkroom in the morning.

Good night.

[COIN ROLLING]

[♪♪]

MAN: Will you shut up in there?

[CHATTER]

[LOUD BANGING]

Shut up!

Shut--

[CHATTER STOPS]

That's better.

HAMLET [ON TV]: I am myself indifferent honest

but yet I could accuse me

of such things that it were better

my mother had not borne me.

O fair Ophelia!

Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my sins remember'd.

So anyway, you've got the girl on the bed, her legs are on the mantelpiece--

Out!

We're hit. Jump.

[SNORING]

Good God, sir, look at that.

Quiet. You'll wake him.

Sorry, sir.

[WHISPERING] We'll try to reach the city walls before he wakes up.

Yes, sir. Shh. Quiet.

Sorry. Sorry, sir.

[BREAKS WIND]

Ooh. Sorry, sir. Too late.

[ROARING]

BOTH: We're saved!

[BELL DINGS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

That was a great fight, Champ, a great fight, you hear?

Oh, boy, what a fight, Champ. What a great fight!

You nearly had him, Champ, you nearly had him.

Where's his head?

I got it in here, Mr. Gabriello.

You were great, Champ, do you hear? You were great!

He's got a nasty cut over his eye.

Yeah, I think it was a mistake, him wearing spectacles.

Get that sewn onto his body in time for the press pictures.

Okay, Mr. Gabriello.

Oh, wasn't he great, my boy?

He was great, Mr. Gabriello.

The way he kept on fighting after his head came off.

He was better when the head came off, Mr. Gabriello.

He was really dodging the guy.

If he could've lasted till the end of that first minute, he would've had the Killer worried.

Sure, Mr. Gabriello.

Oh, he was great.

Did you see his left arm?

No.

Okay, we'll look around the hall after everyone's gone.

Do you realize, Mr. Gabriello, some of those guys out there paid over $2000 for a ringside seat?

And where does the head land?

Right at the back. That's justice.

Oh, boy.

What do you want?

This your boy's head?

No, no, we got his head. He ain't hurt that bad.

Hey, that's Gerry Marinello. He fought the Killer last week.

Okay, give it to me.

I'm seeing his trainer tomorrow, I'll give it to him.

Oh!

Hey, Mr. Gabriello, the press is still outside.

You ready for 'em? How's the Champ?

Well, the head's on okay, but there's still a left arm missing.

Okay, well, keep the dressing gown kind of loose, okay?

Okay, boys, come on in.

Hey, Mr. Gabriello, Mr. Gabriello.

Did you expect your boy to last the full 28 seconds?

This boy has never let me down.

He's the pluckiest goddamn fighter I ever trained.

Were you worried when his head came loose?

No, we was expecting that.

I told him to expect it, and he did. He ain't stupid.

Can we have a word with the Champ?

Yeah, okay, but keep the questions simple.

Hey, Champ, how you feeling?

I said keep the questions simple.

People are saying the kid ought to be buried.

His head's come off in the last six fights.

There's no question of burying the kid.

He's just reaching the top.

Shouldn't he stay in the hospital?

No, he ain't going to no hospital.

He's got the return fight next week.

COMMENTATOR [ON RADIO]: And there's Frank Sinatra leaving the ring.

Behind him is George Raft, another great boxing fan.

Martin Bormann, acknowledging the applause.

And with him, of course, is Gus Himmler,

who did an awful lot for the sport in his country

in the early 1940s.

And here comes the Champ now.

He really seems in good shape to meet the Killer once again.

Before an audience, some of them will have paid

$920,000 million

for the privilege of seeing this boy get beaten up.

And there's the bell. [SCREAMS]

ALL: Quiet!

COMMENTATOR: Left and a right jab

that's taken half the Champ's shoulder off.

Here's the Killer with a right, another left

a bash with a hammer,

and a smack with a thud into the skull.

There's a gaping hole right through the Champ's body now.

Now the Killer's working on the cut eye

with a series of beautifully placed punches.

And the head's coming loose!

The Champ must try and keep his head on.

Killer kicked him in the groin,

bitten half his left buttock off.

The referee's stepped in with a warning.

What a plucky fighter this Champ is.

He's fighting as well as I've ever seen him.

Must be losing blood at the rate of a pint a second now.

It's everywhere.

Certainly, those who paid $1.5 million

for those ringside seats

are really getting their money's worth.

They're covered in it.

And his head's off!

His head that's come off in so many fights

is off in the 31st second.

It's rolled away down to the left.

But what's happening?

The Killer's being talked to by the referee.

There's the Champ, body racing round the ring,

trying to find his opponent.

And the Killer has been disqualified!

The Killer has been disqualified.

This great fighter,

who has killed more than 50 people in his boxing career,

has at last been defeated

by this courageous, headless little southpaw from New York.

And there's a great roar here as the referee raises the arm

of the new World Heavyweight Champion.

What a pity the rest of his body isn't here to see it.

ANNOUNCER: Well, here in London it's

12:30 and time for The Robinsons.

An everyday story of blah-dee-blah-dee-blah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ Da-dee-da-dee-da-dee-da Da-dee-da-dee-da ♪

And so on.

[WATER DRIPPING]

WOMAN 1: Mrs. Robinson.

WOMAN 2: Morning, Mrs. Non-Robinson.

WOMAN 1: Been shopping?

WOMAN 2: No, been shopping.

WOMAN 1: What did you buy?

WOMAN 2: A piston engine.

WOMAN 1: What did you buy that for?

WOMAN 2: It was a bargain.

Bloody rubbish.

I wanted to listen to that.

Morning, Mrs. Gorilla.

Morning, Mrs. Non-Gorilla.

Have you been shopping?

No, been shopping.

Did you buy anything?

A piston engine.

What'd you buy that for?

Oh, it was a bargain.

Ooh. Mm.

WOMAN: Tweet, tweet tweet. Come on, little birdies.

Come on, little birdies.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[WOMAN CHIRPING]

Come on, little birdies.

Come on, little birdies.

[CHIRPING]

Come and see what mummy's got for you.

Little birdies.

[CHIRPING] Tweety, tweety, tweety.

Tweety, tweety.

Ooh, look at this. Tweety, treaty.

Nice one. Come on, come on.

[CHIRPING]

Tweet. Tweet, tweet.

Come on, little birdies.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Smoker.

Hello, Mrs. Non-Smoker.

What, you been shopping then?

No, I've been shopping.

Oh. What'd you buy?

A piston engine.

What'd you buy that for?

It was a bargain.

How much do you want for it?

Three quid.

Done. Right.

Thank you. How do you cook it?

You don't cook it.

You can't eat that raw.

Ooh. I never thought of that.

O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!

And therefore as a stranger welcome it.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

But come, the time is out of joint.

O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right!

Let's go together.

[♪♪]

Hello, and welcome to A Room in Polonius's House.

Tonight is European Cup night.

One result in already from Munich.

The European Cup, first round, second leg,

Bayern Munchen 4397,

Wrexham 1.

So Wrexham going through there on aggregate.

Well, now it's time for racing, so let's go straight over to Epsom and Brian McNulty.

Well, over here at Epsom, there are chances aplenty for those who want to make a good start in, um...

Dentistry. Dentistry.

It's a well-off suburb, so most people have their own teeth.

And surgeries are opening at the rate of four or five a week.

Well, it's only 44 minutes from the West End on the train.

And it's not too built up, so you can have a nice garden.

And the people of Epsom are a very nice class of person.

Well, here in High Street, Epsom, there are ample opportunities for all kinds of redevelopment.

As you can see behind me now, there are a high number of low-density consumer units still not fully maximizing site value.

This could be radically improved by a carefully planned program of demolition.

And of course, most of the occupants are elderly folks, so they wouldn't put up much of a fight.

Good afternoon.

In fact, there's still a few minutes to go before the main race on the card this afternoon, the Queen Victoria Handicap.

So let's have a quick word with the winner of the last race, one of the season's top jockeys, Ronnie Mau-Mau.

Good afternoon, Ronnie.

Afternoon, Brian.

A very fine ride there, Ronnie.

Well, a fine horse, Brian. You know, you can't go wrong.

Fancy your chances for the Derby?

Oh, very definitely, very definitely, indeed.

Certainly, Brian.

Well, let's see if a colleague of yours agrees.

Let's have a word with Desmond Willet. Afternoon, Des.

Afternoon, Brian. No chance, no chance at all.

No, no, I think you're wrong there, Des.

With the right kind of going, he's going to be in there.

No chance, there's no chance.

Well, in fact, I can see last season's top jockey,

Johnny Knowles.

Good afternoon, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Hello, Brian.

Uh, could we have a box for Johnny, please?

Thank you.

Hello, Brian.

That's better.

There you are. Three very well-known faces from the racing world.

Thanks very much for coming along this afternoon, lads.

ALL: Not at all.

And best wishes for the Derby.

Thank you, Brian.

Thanks very much.

Well, in fact, I hear they're ready for us now at the start of the main race this afternoon.

So let's go right away and join Peter at the start.

PETER: Well, they're under starter's orders

for this very valuable Queen Victoria Handicap.

And they're off.

And Queen Victoria is the first to go with a clean jump off,

followed by Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria

and Queen Victoria.

It's Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria

making the early running on the inside.

And at the back, Queen Victoria

already a couple lengths behind the leaders.

Queen Victoria now moved up to challenge Queen Victoria.

Queen Victoria losing ground.

Queen Victoria tucked in neatly on the stand side.

Queen Victoria still the back marker

as they approach the halfway mark.

Making ground, passing Queen Victoria

with Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria

still well placed as they approach the first fence.

And at the first fence it's Queen Victoria

ahead of Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria in third place.

Queen Victoria in the rear as they--

Well, a very exciting race there at Epsom.

And now over to the European Cup at Barcelona, where the latest news is that Miguel Otana, the burly Real Madrid striker, was sent off for breaking wind in the 43rd minute.

He'd already been cautioned for pursing his lips earlier on and now he's off.

So let's see a playback of that, Brian.

Yes. Uh, well, as you can see, there's Otana now.

Uh, he gets the, uh--

The through ball from Gomez and, uh, he makes no attempt to play the ball.

He quite deliberately lets off.

And, uh, to my mind, he was within the box and the referee had no option whatsoever but to send him off.

Jimmy? Good evening.

What do you make of that?

Well, the referees really are clamping down these days.

Only last week, the Belgian captain was sent off for having a Sony radio-cassette player.

And Gonerelli, that huge Italian defender, was sent off in Turin for having his sitting and dining room knocked through to form an open living area.

Hamlet? Good evening.

Got the girl on the bed, legs up--

Out! Out! Come on, come on, out.

[CANNON FIRES]

Wait. I'm getting out of here.

[LAUGHS]

I got away. Ha-ha-ha.

[SQUAWKING]

Missed. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Missed. Missed again. Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[♪♪]

Let four captains Bear Hamlet, like a soldier, to the stage.

For he was likely, had he been put on, to have proved most royally...

[♪♪]

[BREAKS WIND]

And then...