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Mr. Neutron

[♪♪]

Let's bring them out!

Any old iron!

Any old iron!

Let's bring them-- Oh, thank you.

Any old iron!

Thank you.

Any old iron!

Right! Thanks!

Any old metal!

[CLEARS THROAT]

We are here today to witness the opening of a new box to replace the box which used to stand on the corner of Ulverston Road and Sandwood Crescent.

Owing to a program of road-widening being carried out by the borough council, the Ulverston Road box was removed leaving the wall box in Esher Road as the only box for the people of the Ulverston Road area.

This new box will enable the people of the Ulverston Road area to post letters, postcards and small packages without recourse to the Esher Road box or to the box outside the post office at Turner's Parade which many people used to use but which has now been discontinued owing to the opening of this box and also to the reorganization of box distribution throughout the whole area which comes into force with the opening of the new boxes at the Wyatt Road post office in July.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

NARRATOR: A perfectly ordinary morning

in a perfectly ordinary English suburb.

Life goes on as it has done for years.

But soon, this quiet pattern of

life was to change irrevocably.

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[WHISTLES]

The commonplace routine of a typical Monday morning

would never be the same again.

For into this quiet little community came Mr. Neutron.

Mr. Neutron, the most dangerous

and terrifying man in the world.

The man with the strength of an army,

the wisdom of all the scholars in history.

The man who had the power to destroy the world.

No one knows what strange and distant planet he came from,

or where he was going to.

Wherever he went,

terror and destruction were sure to follow.

Mr. Neutron. The man whose incredible power

has made him the most feared man of all time,

waits for his moment to destroy

this little world utterly.

Then there's Stanley. He's our eldest.

He's a biochemist in Sutton. He's married to Shirley.

Shirley, who used to be the hairdresser?

Yes, that's right. I think she's a lovely person.

Mind you, my husband doesn't.

He thinks she's a bit flash. Hm!

I hate her. I hate her guts.

They come down weekends.

You'll be able to meet them then.

I'd love to.

Hairdressing is very interesting.

Oh, yes, and very important too.

If you don't care for your scalp, you get rabies.

Then there's Kenneth. He's our youngest.

He's a bit of a problem.

At least, my husband thinks so.

Nasty little piece of work, he is. I hate him.

Mind you, the one we don't hear much about now is Karen.

She married a Canadian. Uh, he's a dentist.

Uh, they live in Alberta. Two lovely children.

Gary, who's 3, Leslie, who's 6.

Leslie looks like the spitting image of Karen.

Do you want to see a photo?

Oh, yes, please.

All right.

They're a couple of little bastards. I hate them.

They've got eyes like little pigs, just like their mother.

She's a disaster.

A really horrible-looking person, she is.

I thought that one would stay on the shelf, but along comes this stupid dentist git.

He's a real creepy little bastard, he is. I hate him.

This is a nice area.

It's like a bloody graveyard. I hate it.

It's handy for the shops and convenient for the West End.

Oh, if you like going to the West End.

I think it's a stinking dump.

Meanwhile, in Washington

at the headquarters of F.E.A.R.,

the Federal Egg Answering Room--

In reality, a front name for F.E.E.B.L.E:

The Free World Extra-Earthly Bodies Location

and Extermination Center.

All was not well.

Good God!

Get me the supreme commander of land, sea and air forces, immediately.

[♪♪]

[SNIFFS]

[SNIFFS]

[BUZZES]

Hello?

CARPENTER: This is Carpenter from F.E.A.R.

You mean F.E.E.B.L.E.?

Yes, sir.

What is it?

Mr. Neutron is missing, sir.

Mr. Neutron? Oh, my God.

Okay. Surround the entire city.

Send in four waves of armed paratroopers with full ground-to-air missile support.

Alert all air bases. Destroy all roads.

We'll bomb the town flat if we have to!

Sir, he's not in Washington, sir.

Okay, okay. Hold everything. Hold everything!

Hold it, hold it. Lay off, lay off. Lay off.

Where is he?

We don't know, sir.

All we know is he checked out of his hotel

and took a bus to the airport.

All right.

I want a full-scale red alert throughout the world.

Surround everyone with everything we've got.

Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon we can lay our hands on.

I want...

I want three full-scale global nuclear alerts with every army, navy and air force unit on eternal standby.

Right, sir.

And introduce conscription.

Yes, sir.

Right.

[♪♪]

[SNIFFS]

NARRATOR: So the world was in the grip of F.E.A.R.

A huge and terrifying crisis generated by one man.

Easily the most dangerous man

the world has ever seen, honestly.

Though still biding his time, he could strike at any moment.

Could he be stopped in time?

You've got a bit of work to do there, then.

Yes, it is a problem.

Mrs. Ottershaw never used to bother.

Then, of course, she was very old. She was 206.

But I must be going.

If you need a hand, I'll send Frank round.

He could do with a bit of exercise.

[CACKLES]

Fat old bastard.

[♪♪]

[BUZZES] Yes?

CARPENTER: Captain Carpenter here, sir.

Uh, we've been on red alert now for three days, sir,

and still no sign of Mr. Neutron.

Have we bombed anywhere?

Have we shown him we got teeth?

Oh, yes, sir. We've bombed a lot of places flat, sir.

Good, good. We don't want anyone to think we're chicken.

Oh, no. They don't think that, sir.

Everyone's really scared of us, sir.

Of us?

Yes, sir.

Of our power?

Oh, yes, sir.

They're really scared

when they see those big planes come over.

Wow, I bet they are. Ho-ho-ho! I bet they are.

I bet they're really scared.

Oh, they are, sir.

Do we have any figures on how scared they are?

Uh, no. No figures, sir. But they sure were scared.

Ah!

But it's not working?

No, sir.

Okay. We'll try another tactic.

We'll try and outsmart this Neutron guy.

Yeah, there's one man I know who could nail him.

One guy? That won't frighten anyone, sir.

He's the most brilliant man I ever met.

We were in the CIA together. He's retired now.

He breeds rabbits up in the Yukon.

What's his name, sir?

His name is Teddy Salad.

Salad, as in... ?

Lettuces, cucumber, radishes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where do I find him, sir?

The Yukon.

Oh, and Carpenter?

Yes, sir?

Make sure you get a decent disguise.

[♪♪]

[CHIMES]

Oh, uh, hello. My name's Carpenter.

I'm from the U.S. government.

Are you from the Army?

No. No, no, no.

I'm, uh-- I'm from the ballet.

The U.S. Government Ballet.

The ballet? The ballet's coming here?

Uh, well, maybe.

Oh, that's great. We love the ballet.

Last year, some of us from Yellow River, we go to a party to go and see the ballet in Montreal.

Look, I-- I was, uh, wondering--

Oh, we had a marvelous time.

It was, uh, Margot Fonteyn dancing Les Sylphides.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Look, do you know--? Do you know how old she is?

Who? Margot Fonteyn.

No. She's 206.

Oh.

Well, look, I hear there's a U.S. ballet organizer round these parts by the name of Teddy Salad.

You mean the special agent?

Well, uh...

He's an ex-CIA man. He's not a ballet dancer.

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, uh, well, I just want to see him on some ballet business.

Oh, well, you could try the store.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, could you get us Lionel Blair's autograph?

NARRATOR: While precious time

was being lost in Canada,

the seconds were ticking away for the free world.

Already, Neutron, who, you will remember

is infinitely the most dangerous man in the world,

he really is,

was gathering allies together.

Try having an omelet for your evening meal.

Perhaps with yogurt and grapefruit.

Oh, I've tried that. I once got down to 56 stone.

But I couldn't stay like that.

I had to take potatoes wherever I went.

I used to go out to the cinema with three hundredweight of King Edwards.

I'd eat them all before I got out of the toilet.

I had to go on to bread.

What about salad?

Teddy Salad?

No, no, no. Salad.

As in lettuces, radishes, cucumber.

WAITER: Don't like it?

No, I-- I didn't want to eat a salad.

I wanted to find out about a man called Salad.

You're the first person to order a salad here for two years.

All the Eskimos eat in here is fish, fish, fish.

We are not Eskimos.

Where's our fish? We've finished our fish.

What fish you want today, huh?

Bream.

Bream? Where do I get bream this time of year?

You bloody, choosy Eskimo pests.

We are not Eskimos.

Why don't you like a nice plate of cannelloni?

ALL: Ugh!

That's not fish.

Oh, I've had my lot of the Arctic Circle.

I wish I was back in Oldham.

[SPEAKING SLOWLY] Do any of you Eskimos speak English?

We are not Eskimos.

I am.

ALL: Shh!

WAITER: Haddock!

ALL: Where?

Do any of you know a man called Salad?

What, salad as in... ?

Lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, yeah.

Like you have on your plate?

Yeah, that's right.

No, I'm afraid not.

Where's our fish?

What does this Teddy Salad do?

Oh, uh, he-- He's a-- He's a hen-teaser.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

No, the only Teddy Salad we know is a CIA man.

Oh, uh, he-- He might know.

ALL: Gunga, gunga, where's our fish?

Where will I find him?

Oh, he lives up at Kipper Sound.

Thanks a lot.

ALL: ♪ Fishy, fishy, eye-yo ♪

Um, are you in international spying too?

Uh, no. No, no, no, no.

I'm, uh-- I'm with the, uh--

The, uh-- The U.S. Ballet Force.

Who are you with?

MI6. But not a word to the Eskimos.

ALL: ♪ Fishy, fishy, eye-yo ♪

Here's your bloody fish.

Thank you, Anouk.

I'm not an Eskimo!

[♪♪]

CARPENTER: Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hi. I'm Carpenter of the U.S. Ballet.

Hey, great to have you around.

The last decent ballet we got around here was Ballet Ramben.

Thursday, they did Pétrouchka.

Then on Saturday, they did Fille Mal Gardée.

I thought it was a bit slow, but--

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sure is, uh, nice to see you, Mr. Salad.

I ain't Salad. What?

You want Teddy Salad?

Yeah.

CARPENTER: I don't see anyone.

The one on the end, on the right.

That's Salad.

CARPENTER: That's a dog.

No, only bits of it.

What do you mean?

Listen.

Teddy Salad's the most brilliant agent the CIA ever had, all right?

Right.

That's how he made his name.

Disguise.

That's incredible. Yeah.

He had to slim down to one and a half pounds to get into that costume.

And 18 inches off each arm and over 3 feet off each leg.

The most brilliant surgeon in Europe stuck that tail on.

What about the head?

All of the head was removed apart from the eyes and the brain in order to fit into the costume.

That's incredible.

Do you want to talk to him?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, uh, let's move over to those trees, there.

You never know who might be watching.

Mr. Salad?

There's a Mr. Carpenter to see you.

What's he saying?

Do you have a bone?

Here. It's all part of the disguise.

Okay, Teddy, here's the bone.

All right, you've got his trust, now.

You can talk to him.

Sir. Sir. Mr. Salad?

Sir, I've come direct from the commander of land, sea and air forces.

There's a pretty dangerous situation, sir.

Mr. Neutron is missing.

The general says you're the only one who'll know where to find him.

What's he saying?

Uh, he wants to go walkies.

Walkies?

Yeah, he-- He's right into it today.

Do you mind taking him for walkies?

NARRATOR: While Carpenter took

the most brilliant agent the CIA ever had for walkies,

events in the world's capitals were moving fast.

[♪♪]

[PLAYING]

[BUZZES]

SECRETARY: Secretary of state to see you, prime minister.

Uh, very well, show him in.

Prime minister.

Oh, do take a seat.

Oh!

Prime minister, we just had the supreme commander of U.S. Forces on the phone.

Apparently, they want a full-scale red alert.

They what?

They want a full-scale red alert.

Every troop moving--

It's all right, don't worry about Giuseppe.

He's English, really. I see.

Well, the whole structure of world peace is threatened--

Uh, your anniversary, signor?

Uh, no, no, no, Giuseppe. Not now.

Uh, you mean this isn't the lady?

No, no.

Oh, signor, my mistake. Quite fine. But what we--

I play for you "My Mistake."

♪ My mistake ♪

♪ I have made my mistake ♪

♪ What a dreadful mistake ♪

♪ Is this mistake that I make ♪

♪ My mistake ♪

Giuseppe, do you mind playing over there?

Oh, very well, signor.

But I play only for you and your beautiful companion.

♪ My mistake ♪

Well, look, this Mr. Neutron is located somewhere in the London area.

We must find him and exterminate him.

The Americans say if we don't, they will.

What?

The Americans say if we don't, they will!

That he doesn't know what?

They'll bomb the entire London area!

We'd better get out of here!

SECRETARY OF STATE: They won't bomb here.

Are you sure? Sure.

Right. When are they gonna start?

Apparently they haven't got Neutron yet. But when they do, they're going to send in--

What?

They're going to send in waves of bombers!

What? What?!

Four hundred fifty-two bombers!

Ah, did he tell you anything?

No, no, no.

We chased sticks, we chased a few reindeer.

Oh, you been chasing reindeer, have you?

You're a naughty boy, eh?

Look, we haven't got much time.

He hasn't given me any information yet.

Okay. Look, tell you what, then. Let's eat.

You give him one of your meatballs, he'll tell you anything, okay?

Okay.

Wait a minute. He's trying to tell us something.

Carpenter.

Yeah. Carpenter.

Yes, Mr. Salad? Can you hear me?

Yup, yup. It's--

It's just it's so goddamn painful in here.

What's the problem?

It-- It's Mr. Neutron, sir. He's gone missing.

The supreme commander wants you to take charge.

I-- Oh, God. I...

I-- I...

Yes, Mr. Salad?

I... I gotta go walkies again.

[BUZZES]

SECRETARY: Still no sign

of Captain Carpenter, sir. Or Mr. Neutron.

Okay. We'll bomb Neutron out.

Get me Moscow, Peking, and Shanklin, Isle of Wight.

NARRATOR: And so the great powers

and the people of Shanklin, Isle of Wight,

drew their net in ever-tightening circles

around the most dangerous threat to peace

the world has ever faced.

They bombed Cairo, Bangkok, Cape Town,

Buenos Aires, Harrow, Hammersmith,

Stepney, Wandsworth and Enfield.

But always, it was the wrong place.

MAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]: Sorry, Enfield.

We apologize for any inconvenience

caused by our bombing.

Sorry.

NARRATOR: But what of Mr. Neutron

the most fearfully dangerous man in the world?

The man who could destroy entire galaxies

with his wrist.

The man who could tear fruit machines apart

with his eyeballs.

He had not been idle.

In fact, he had fallen in love

with the lady who does for Mrs. Entrail.

Oh, hello, Mr. N.

Terrible about Enfield, isn't it? It's all gone.

So is Staines. Lovely shops they used to have in Staines and Stanmore, you know, where the AA offices were.

I don't know where we'll pay our AA subscriptions to now.

Do you know where we'll pay our AA subscriptions to now?

I didn't know you were a member of the AA, Mrs. S-C-U-M.

Oh, yes. Ever since the corsair broke down in Leytonstone.

They towed it all the way to Deauville, FOC.

Yes, you know, FOC, "free of charge."

Well, my husband Ken, K-E-N, he said--

Oh, forget about your husband, Mrs. S-C-U-M.

Or may I call you Mrs. S?

Well, you can call me Linda, if you like.

No, I'd rather call you Mrs. S.

Oh.

And you can call me Mr. N.

Well, that's what I was calling you.

Mrs. S, there is something I have to tell you.

Yes, Mr. N?

I have just won a Kellogg's Corn Flake competition.

Oh, Mr. N, that's wonderful.

I got the ball in exactly the right place.

The prize is 5000 pounds in cash or as much ice cream as you can eat.

Five thousand pounds?

I was thinking of taking the ice cream.

Oh-- Oh, no. No.

It's been so hot recently.

No, well, you couldn't eat that much ice cream, Mr. N.

Mrs. S, I can eat enormous quantities of ice cream without being sick.

Oh, no, no. Take the 5000 pounds. Please take the 5000 pounds.

I was thinking, if we got married...

Oh, yes?

...we could use the 5000 pounds to buy a spoon...

Oh, we could buy a lot more than that.

...and then fill up with ice cream.

Oh, forget about the ice cream.

We need the money.

We need nothing. For there is something

I have not told you, Mrs. S-C-U-M.

Oh, please, call me Mrs. S.

No, I would rather go back to calling you Mrs. S-C-U-M, Mrs. S-C-U-M.

I am the most powerful man in the universe.

Oh. There is nothing I cannot do.

Mr. N.

I want you to be my helpmate.

As Tarzan had his Jane, as Napoleon had his Josephine, as Frankie Laine had whoever he had,

I want you to help me in my plan to dominate the world.

Oh, Mr. N. That I should be so lucky.

You're not Jewish, are you?

Another time was when I was in Cairo.

I was disguised as a water hydrant.

The whole top part of my head had been removed, and...

Please, Mr. Salad. You must tell us where Neutron is.

...and I functioned. Do you hear?

I really worked. I could put out a fire.

Please, Mr. Salad.

Mind you, it hurt a bit.

Please, Mr. Salad, there isn't much time.

Where is Neutron?

Okay. Give me another meatball and I'll tell you.

[MR. SALAD CHOMPING]

Mm!

Okay. Listen carefully.

I won't repeat this, you understand?

Yes, yes. Quick.

I know where Neutron is right now.

I know the exact address and the exact house and the exact road.

Okay, where is he?

He's not in America.

No.

He's not in Asia.

No.

He's not in Australia.

No. He's in--

Yes? Europe.

Yes?

You wanna know where in Europe?

Yes!

Okay, okay. I'll tell you.

He's in England, in London, at number 19--

That's the Yukon. What's left?

SECRETARY [OVER PHONE]: Only Ruislip, the Gobi Desert,

and your office, sir.

Okay. Let's start with my office.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN DIALECT]

[WHISTLING]

[EXPLOSION]

I will take you away from all this, Mrs. S-C-U-M.

Oh, Mr. N, I'd follow you anywhere.

We will have two weeks in Benidorm.

Oh, yes. Yes.

And I will make you the most beautiful woman in the world.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, Mr. N, you have made my heart sing.

Late in life's pageant it may be but you have made roses bloom anew for me.

Life's rich harvest is being--

Shut up, Mrs. S. We must hurry.

Oh. I-- Well-- I-- I--

I'd better leave a note for Ken. He'll be expecting it.

[EXPLOSION]

NARRATOR: Has Mr. Neutron escaped in time?

Is the world utterly destroyed?

How can Mr. Neutron and his child bride survive?

Will his mighty powers be of any avail

against the holocaust?

Stay tuned to this channel.

Hello. Uh, well, in fact, what happens is that they are saved by Mr. Neutron's mighty powers just as the last bomb falls on Ruislip.

However, the Earth has been blown off its axis.

And in a dramatic and dangerous and expensive sequence it spins off into space.

There are appallingly expensive scenes of devastation and horror.

And the final, incredibly expensive climax is reached as thousands of ape monsters in very expensive costumes descend from the sky onto these--

Plug up a whole city, which had to be specially built, and fling them all into the sea, very expensively.

And we can see those very expensive scenes right now.

[♪♪]

Just after the credits have gone through.

Incidentally, these are going to be some of the most expensive and lavish scenes ever filmed by the BBC.

In conjunction with Time-Life, of course.

These are some of the technical people who have been involved in filming these very expensive scenes.

The sound. Very expensive sound.

Expensive visual effects there.

Expensive production assistant, expensive designer.

Cheap director.

Well, you can see those very expensive scenes right now.

MAN: Oh, come on. You can give us another minute, Mr. Cotton, please.

[♪♪]

Good evening.

Last week, we learned how to saw a lady in half.

This week, we're gonna learn how to saw a lady in three bits and dispose of the body-- Whoa!

[SCREAMS]

Look, if you can put on rubbish like that and Horse of the Year Show you can afford us another minute, Mr. Cotton, please.

I mean, look at this load of old...

ANNOUNCER: "World Domination" T-shirts

are available from the BBC

World Domination Department, Cardiff.