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Party Political Broadcast

ANNOUNCER: There now follows

a party political broadcast

on behalf of the Liberal Party.

SPORTSCASTER: Pratt, back to Pratt.

Pratt again, a long ball out to Pratt.

And now Pratt is on the ball,

a neat little flick back inside to Pratt,

who takes it nicely, and zips it through

on the far side to Pratt.

Pratt with it, but passes instead to Pratt.

Pratt again--

Oh, and well intercepted by

the swarthy little number nine, Conchito Maracon.

This 21-year-old halfback,

remarkably stocky for 6-foot-3-inches.

Square-shouldered, balding giant,

hair flowing in the wind, bright-eyed, pert,

young for his age, but oh, so old in so many ways.

For a 39-year-old, you wouldn't expect such speed.

Normally considered slow, he's incredibly fast

as he wanders aimlessly around sweeping up,

taking the defense to the cleaners.

Who would've thought,

though many expected it this remarkable,

45-year-old, 9'4" dwarf of a man,

who is still only 17 in some parts of the world,

would ever really be--?

There was a goal there apparently.

And now it's Pratt. Back to Pratt.

Pratt again, a long ball out to Pratt.

Pratt inside. Chips it through, far post.

Pratt inside, back again--

MAN: I really like this Ano-Weet.

It really unclogs me.

Oh, do be careful.

Sorry, Mum.

MAN: I mean, a lot of the others say they unclog you, but I never had a single bowel movement with them Recto-Puffs.

Now, if we-- Oh, sorry, Mum.

If we lived in Rhodesia, there'd be someone to mop that up for you.

Don't be so bleeding stupid.

If you lived in bleeding Rhodesia you'd be out at bleeding fascist rallies every bleeding day.

You're a bleeding racist, you bleeding are.

Language.

Well, he gets on my sodding wick.

That's better.

The stuff I liked was that stuff they gave me before the war.

What was it? Wilkinson's Number Eight Laxative Cereal.

That went through you like a bloody Ferrari.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now, who's that at this time of day?

If it's the man to empty the Elsan, tell him it's in the hall.

Right, dear.

And make sure you hold it the right way up.

Dad? Yeah?

No, no, my dad. Oh.

Dad?

Dad, why is Rhodesia called Rhodesia? Oh, sorry, Dad.

No, no, thank you very much.

No. No, I'm sorry. No, thank you very much indeed.

No. Thank you for calling. Not today, thank you.

Good morning.

DAD: Who was that?

A Liberal Party candidate, darling.

What have you done now?

I'm sorry, Mum. I was just washing up.

Do go and sit down.

Mum?

Mum, do you know why Rhodesia's called Rhodesia?

Yeah, do you remember Go-Eazi?

They were hopeless.

Little black pellets, tasted foul and stuck inside you like flooring adhesive.

Well, I'm off.

What time are you coming back?

Three a.m.

I think it's disgusting, you a Member of Parliament.

I heard you in the hall last night.

I heard you snogging away.

We was not snogging.

Sure. Sounded like snogging to me.

I could hear his great wet, slobbering lips going at you.

And his hand going--

Dad.

Yeah? No, not you.

Just mind your language.

Sorry, Mum.

I've run out of beans.

We was talking. We was not snogging.

Talking about snogging, I'll bet.

If you must know, we was talking about council rehousing.

Would it mean going to live in Hollywood?

I've run out of beans.

Where to rehouse his right hand, that's all he was interested in.

And has Faye Dunaway definitely said yes?

He is the chairman of the housing subcommittee.

Snogging subcommittee.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ralph, do answer that door, will you?

Beans.

Shut up.

Yes, Mum.

If it's the man from Probbo-Rib, tell him it's in the bed.

All right.

Sorry, Mum.

Postman.

Beans.

Beans.

Shut up.

A very good try there by the Garibaldi family of Droitwich, in Worcestershire. Professor.

Well, I can't make up my mind about this family.

I don't think there was the sustained awfulness that we really need.

I mean, the father was appalling.

Appalling, yes.

He was dirty, smelly and distasteful, and I liked him very much.

But, uh...

Lady Organs.

Well, they were an unpleasant family, certainly, but I don't think we had any of the really gross awfulness we're looking for.

Harsh words there for the Garibaldi family of Droitwich, in Worcestershire.

Present holders of the East Midlands Most Awful Family Award lower-middle-class section.

But unable--Unable today to score more than 15 on our disgustometer.

With the scores all in from the judges, the Garibaldis are number three, and a surprise at number two:

The Fanshaw-Chumleighs of Berkshire.

Absolutely super.

My little man at Poirier's was telling me

I could have my whole body lifted for 5000 pounds.

Absolutely super.

[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Put that down there.

Well, some of the wonderful behavior that made the Fanshaw-Chumleighs the second-most-awful family in Britain, 1974.

But the winners, by a clear 10-point margin, once again, the awful Jodrell family of Durham.

Unfortunately, we can't show you some of the performance that won them the award.

But I assure you, it was of the very highest standard.

Was it not, Lady Organs?

Oh, yes, superb.

I mean, Mr. Jodrell, you know, the old grandfather who licks the--

Yes. Yes, we do.

He's superb. His gobbing is consistent and accurate, and his son's a dirty, foul little creature.

And those frightful scabs which Mrs. Jodrell--

Yes, well, thank you very much, Lady Organs.

And from all of us, well done to the Jodrells.

And to all of you, without whom, of course, and not forgetting who made it all possible. We'll be back. Until then good night, and I wish you a safe journey home.

Thank you for watching. It was great fun. I enjoyed it,

and I hope you watching at home have enjoyed it too.

The Jodrells win every bloody year. It makes you vomit.

Dad? Yes?

Get your stinking feet off the bread.

I'm only wiping the cat's doos off.

Mum?

Shut your gob, Douglas.

I want more Corn Blasters.

Shut up and eat what you got.

[MEOWING]

Some fat bastard at the door.

Shut up.

A strong hive of bees contains approximately 75,000 bees.

Each honeybee must make 154 trips to collect one teaspoonful of honey. Hello, sir.

What do you want?

Would you like to buy some of our honey, sir?

What are you doing in here?

Which would you like?

The Californian Orange Blossom, the Mexican, the New Zealand or the Scottish Heather?

He can't eat honey.

It makes him go plop-plops.

Oh, come on. Please, try some.

All right, I'll have some Icelandic honey.

No, there is no such thing.

You mean you can't make any honey at all?

No. No, we must import it all. Every bally drop.

We are a gloomy people.

It's so crikey cold and dark up there and there's only fish to eat.

Fish and imported honey. Oh, strewth.

Well, why do you have a week?

Listen, buster, in Reykjavík, it is dark for eight months of the year, and it's cold enough to freeze your wrists off.

And there's only golly fish to eat.

Administrative errors are bound to occur in enormous quantities.

Look at this. It's all a mistake.

It's a real pain in the sphincter.

Icelandic Honey Week? My life.

Well, why did you come in here trying to flog the stuff then?

Listen, cowboy, I got a job to do.

It's a stupid, pointless job, but at least it keeps me away from Iceland. All right?

The leg of the worker bee has four tiny--

Get out of here.

[♪♪]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER [READING]:

Well, Mr. Cotton, you have what we in the medical profession call a naughty complaint.

Now, my advice to you is to, uh, put this paper bag over your head--

It's got little holes there.

See, little holes for your eyes?

--and, uh, to ring this bell, and to take this card along to a hospital. Okay?

And I shall inform all your relatives and friends and anyone else that I happen to bump into. Okay?

Cash, wasn't it?

Thank you very much.

Get out.

[RINGING]

Dirty little man.

Hippocratic oath. Hippocratic...

Oh, it's not in there. Jolly good.

Very useful. Next.

[GRUNTING]

Ah, yes, you must be Mr. Williams, is that so?

Well, do take a seat.

W-what seems to be the trouble?

I've just been stabbed by your nurse.

Oh, dear. Yes, well,

I probably better have a look at you then.

Look, uh, could you fill in this form first?

Sh-she just stabbed me.

Yes. Sh-she's an unpredictable sort.

Look, uh, you seem to be bleeding rather badly.

You better hurry up and fill this in.

Couldn't I fill it in later, doctor?

No, no. You'd have bled to death by then.

Can you hold a pen?

I-I'll try.

Yes, jolly good.

You know, it's a hell of a nuisance, all this damn paperwork. Really, it is.

It's a real nightmare, this paperwork.

It really is a hell of a nuisance.

Uh, something ought to be done about it.

Do I have to answer all the questions, doctor?

No, no, no. Just, uh, just fill in as many as you can.

No need to go into too much detail, you know.

I-I don't know why we bother with it all, really.

It's such a nuisance.

It really is such a--

Well, let's see how you've done then.

Oh, yes.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. That's not very good, is it?

Look, surely you knew number four.

It's from The Merchant of Venice. Even I knew that.

Sorry about the carpet.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Look at this. Look at this, number six.

It's the Treaty of Versailles.

Didn't you know that?

Oh, my God.

And number nine, Emerson Fittipaldi.

Really. Virginia Wade? You must be mad.

Um, doctor, I've just shot another patient.

There's no point in your seeing him.

You didn't kill him, did you?

Afraid so.

Oh, you mustn't kill them, nurse.

Oh, I'm sorry, doctor.

It was just on the spur of the moment.

Rather silly, really.

I'm sorry about the carpet, doctor.

Mr. Williams, I-I'm afraid I can't give you any marks so I won't be able to recommend you for hospital.

I tell you what, I'll stop the bleeding, but strictly speaking, I shouldn't even do that.

On marks like these. I mean, really, it's not--

There--There are no more patients now, doctor.

Oh, well, let's go for lunch then.

Uh, what about, uh... ?

Ah, yes.

Look, Mr. Williams, we're just popping out for a bite of lunch while, uh, we've got a spare moment, you know.

Look, have another bash at the form, and try and answer--

If at least you can answer the questions on history, then we can give you some morphine or something like that, okay?

Thank you, doctor. Thank you.

Dear Sir, I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms.

Yours sincerely, Brigadier N.F.

Marwood-Git, bracket, retired.

Read that back, will you, Brian?

"And when he had built up Cedron,

"he sent horsemen there,

"and an host of footmen to the end that, issuing out,

"they might make outroads upon the ways of Judea, as the king commanded them."

Good. Pop it in an envelope and bung it off.

It's no good bottling things up, Brian.

If you feel them, you must just say them or you'll just go mad.

Oh, yes, indeed. As the book of Maccabees said:

Yea, as the flea is like unto an oxen, so is the privet hedge liken unto a botanist, black in thy sight, O Lord.

Right. Look, why don't you just nip out for lunch, Brian?

Yea, as Raymond Chandler said:

"It was one of those days when Los Angeles felt like a rock-hard fig."

Brian, let's stop this pretending, shall we?

Yea, as Dirk Bogarde said in his autobiography--

Brian, let's stop all this futile pretense.

I've--I've always been moderately fond of you.

Well, to be quite-- Quite frank, brigadier, one--

One can't walk so closely with a chap like you for-- For so long without feeling something deep down inside.

Even if it isn't anything-- Anything very much.

Well, splendid, Brian.

Well, uh, I don't suppose there's much we can do, really.

Not on television, no.

No.

They, uh...

They are a lot more permissive these days than they used to be.

Ah, yes, but, uh, not with this sort of thing.

No.

I suppose they've got to draw the line somewhere.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, take a letter, Brian. Yes.

Dear Sir, I wish to protest--

[SINGING OPERA]

[METAL SQUEAKING]

[METAL SQUEAKING]

[SINGING STOPS]

[SINGING CONTINUES]

[APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: There now follows an appeal

on behalf of extremely rich people

who have absolutely nothing wrong with them.

Hello. I'd like to talk to you tonight about a minority group of people who have no mental or physical handicaps, and who, through no fault of their own, have never been deprived, and consequently are forced to live in conditions of extreme luxury.

This often-ignored minority is very rarely brought to the attention of the general public.

The average man in the street scarcely gives a second thought to these extremely well-off people.

He quite simply fails to appreciate the pressures that vast quantities of money just do not bring.

Have you at home ever had to cope with this problem?

[♪♪]

Or this?

I know it's only human to say,

"Oh, this will never happen to me."

And of course, it won't.

So I'm asking you, please, please, send no contributions,

however large, to me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

A party political broadcast...

All right, I'll go.

on behalf of the Liberal Party.

♪ Everything goes up ♪

♪ Everything goes down ♪

♪ Fish bananas all--♪

Hello, madam.

Oh, hello.

You must have come about--

Finishing the sentences, yes.

Perhaps you'd like to--?

Come through this way. Certainly.

Oh, nice place you've got here.

Yes, well, we-- Like it?

Yes, we certainly--

Do. Good.

When did you first start?

Finding it difficult--? To finish sentences, yes.

Well, it's not me, it's my-- Husband?

Yes, he--

Never lets you finish what you start?

I'm starting to feel--

You'll never finish a sentence again.

Exact-- --ly. It must be awful.

It's driving me--

To drink?

No, roun--

--ound the bend?

Yes.

May I... ?

Take a seat.

Thank you. You see, our method is to reassure the patient by re-creating normal--

Conditions?

Yes. Then we try and get them into a position where they suddenly find that they're completing other people's sentences...

Themselves.

Spot on, Mrs...

Smith?

Good. Well, try not to overdo it to--

Begin with.

Just keep it to one or two-- Words.

To start, otherwise you may find that--

I'm taking on too long a sentence and getting completely...

Stuck. Good. Yes. Well, that's about--

--it for now, so--

Thanks very much for calling. Oh, not at all.

And, uh--

Just like to say--

Thank you very much for coming along. Not at all.

And good--

--bye, Mr.--

Vernon.

WOMAN: Carl?

Yes, dear?

I've just had another baby.

Oh, no. How many is that now?

Twelve since lunch. Oh, there's another one.

[♪♪]

[MACHINE DRILLING]

This is Stonehenge.

And it's from here we go to Africa.

Well, here it is at last, the goal of our quest.

After six months and three days, we've finally caught up with the legendary walking tree of Dahomey,

Quercus nicholas parsonus.

Resting here for a moment on its long journey south.

It's almost incredible, isn't it, to think that this huge tree has walked over 2000 miles across this inhospitable terrain to stop here, maybe just to take in water before the 2000 miles on to Cape Town where it lives.

It's almost unimaginable, I find,

[QUIET TRICKLING] uh, the thought of this mighty tree strolling through Nigeria, perhaps swaggering a little, as it crosses the border into Zaire, hopping through the tropical rain forest, trying to find a-a quiet grove where it can, uh, jump around on its own.

Sprinting up to Zambia for the afternoon, then nipping back--

Oh, super.

Well, I've just been told that this is, uh, not, in fact, the legendary walking tree of Dahomey.

This is one of Africa's many stationary trees.

Arborus bamber gascoignes.

In fact, we've just, uh, missed the walking tree.

It left here at 8:00 this morning.

Uh, it was heading off in that direction, so we'll just see if we can go and catch it up.

Come on, boys.

Well, we're still keeping up with it, but it's setting a furious pace.

Early this morning, we thought we'd spotted it, but it turned out to be an Angolan sauntering tree,

Amazellus robin ray, out walking with a Gambian sidling bush.

So on we go. It's gonna be difficult.

The walking tree can achieve speeds of up to 50 miles an hour, especially when it's in a hurry.

Super. Well, Rupert has spotted something.

This could be it. A walking tree on the move.

Come on.

But what Rupert had in fact discovered was something very different.

The Turkish little rude plant.

This remarkably smutty piece of flora was used by the Turks to ram up each other's--

Ah, no. In fact, it was something even more interesting.

Yes, there it was, over the other side of the clearing, the legendary puking tree of Mozambique.

No, what they had come across was a tribe lost to man since time immemorial.

The legendary Batsmen of the Kalahari.

ANNOUNCER: Primitive customs still survive here

as if the march of time had passed them by.

But for all the mumbo jumbo and superstition,

the Batsmen of the Kalahari are formidable fighters,

as we can see in this rare footage of them

in action against Warwickshire.

Warwickshire had dismissed the Kalahari Batsmen for 140.

And then it was their turn to face this extraordinary Kalahari attack.

Pratt was the first to go, but Pratt and Pratt put on a second-wicket stand of naught, which was broken by O'Dinga, in his most hostile move.

That's B. Pratt, hit wicket, naught.

But Pratt and Z. Pratt dug in and took the score to a half

before Z. Pratt ran away.

[YELLING]

But out came M.J.K. Pratt

to play a real captain's innings.

He'd taken his own score up to naught

when he mistimed a shot of Bowanga and was lbw.

Typical of Umbonga's hostile opening spell

was his dismissal of V.E. Pratt,

who offered no resistance to this delivery.

And he was caught behind.

But by lunch, the situation had changed dramatically.

And so with the tension colossal as we come up to the last ball, that's all from us.

[♪♪]

Good evening. Over 400,000 million pounds were wiped off the value of shares this afternoon, when someone in the stock exchange coughed.

Sport. Capital punishment is to be reintroduced in the first and second division.

Any player found tackling from behind or controlling the ball with the lower part of the arm will be hanged.

But the electric chair remains the standard punishment for threatening the goalie.

Referees chairman, Len Goebbels said:

"At last the referee has been given teeth."

Finally, politics. The latest opinion poll published today shows Labor ahead with 40 percent, the AA, second with 38 percent, and not surprisingly, Kentucky Fried Chicken running the Liberals a very close third.

And now back to me. Hello.

And now it's time to go over to Hugh Delaney at Paignton.

Hello, and welcome to Paignton.

Because it's from Paignton we take you straight back to the studio.

Hello. And it's from here we go over there.

Well, we're already here, so let's go over there.

Welcome back.

And now it's time for part eight of our series about the life and work of Ursula Hitler, the Surrey housewife who revolutionized

British beekeeping in the 1930s.

ANNOUNCER: That was a party political

cast on behalf of

[LAUGHING] the Liberal Party.