Home > Monty Python's Flying Circus

Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)

[choir vocalizing]

[vocalizing continues]

[vocalizing ends, music continues]

[dog whines]

[vocalizing resumes]

[music, vocalizing fades]

[baby fussing quietly]

[clears throat]

[shouts]

-Who are you? -We are three wise men.

-What? -We are three wise men.

Well, what are you doing creeping around a cowshed at two o'clock in the morning?

That doesn't sound very wise to me.

We are astrologers.

We have come from the East.

Is this some kind of joke?

We wish to praise the infant.

We must pay homage to him.

Homage?! You're all drunk!

It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out!

Bursting in here with tales about

Oriental fortune-tellers! Come on, out!

No, no, we must see him.

Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!

We were led by a star!

Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out!

We must see him. We have brought presents!

-Out! -Gold, frankincense, myrrh!

Well, why didn't you say? He's over there.

Sorry the place is a bit of a mess.

Well, what is myrrh anyway?

-It is a valuable balm. -A balm?!

What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him!

-What? -That's a dangerous animal!

-Quick, throw it in the trough! -No, it isn't!

Yes, it is. It's a great big--

[man] No, no, no, it is an ointment.

Well, there is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it?

So you're astrologers, are you?

Well, what is he then?

Hmm?

What star-sign is he?

[stammers] Capricorn.

Oh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

Well, he's the son of God. Our Messiah.

King of the Jews!

And that's Capricorn, is it?

No, no, no, that's just him.

Oh! I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

By what name are you calling him?

Uh, Brian.

[all] We worship you, oh, Brian, who are lord over us all.

Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

-Do you do a lot of this? -What?

-This praising. -No, no. No, no.

Oh, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. [chuckles]

And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, uh, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right?

Thank you. Goodbye.

[chickens clucking]

Well, weren't they nice? Hmm.

Out of their bloody minds, but, still, look at that!

[laughs] Here!

Here, that's mine! Hey! Hey!

[stammering]

[vocalizing resumes]

-[baby cries] -Shut up!

[theme song]

♪ Brian ♪

♪ The babe they called Brian ♪

♪ He grew ♪

♪ Grew, grew and grew ♪

♪ Grew up to be ♪

♪ Grew up to be ♪

♪ A boy called Brian ♪

♪ A boy called Brian ♪

♪ He had arms and legs ♪

♪ And hands and feet ♪

♪ This boy ♪

♪ Whose name was Brian ♪

[screaming]

♪ And he grew ♪

♪ Grew, grew and grew ♪

♪ Grew up to be ♪

♪ Yes, he grew up to be ♪

♪ A teenager called Brian ♪

♪ A teenager called Brian ♪

♪ And his face became spotty ♪

♪ Yes, his face became spotty ♪

♪ And his voice Dropped down low ♪

♪ And things started to grow ♪

♪ On young Brian and show ♪

♪ He was certainly no ♪

♪ No girl named Brian ♪

♪ Not a girl named Brian ♪

♪ And he started to shave ♪

♪ And have one off the wrist ♪

♪ And want to see girls ♪

♪ And go out and get pissed ♪

♪ A man called Brian ♪

♪ This man called Brian ♪

♪ The man they called Brian ♪

♪ This man called ♪

♪ Brian ♪

-[gunshot] -[screams]

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chatter]

[man] How blessed are those who know that he's of God.

How blessed are the sorrowful.

They shall find consolation.

How blessed are those of gentle spirit.

They shall have the earth for their possession.

How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail.

[man coughs]

They shall be satisfied.

How blessed are those whose hearts are pure.

They shall see God.

-Speak up! -Shh!

Quiet, Mum!

Well, I can't hear a thing.

-Let's go to stoning. -Shh!

You can go to a stoning anytime.

Oh, come on, Brian.

Will you be quiet?!

Don't pick your nose!

I wasn't picking my nose, I was scratching.

You was picking it while you was talking to that lady.

-I wasn't! -Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.

Don't you "do you mind" me.

I was talking to my husband.

Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.

I can't hear a bloody thing.

Don't you swear at my wife.

I was only asking her to shut up so we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.

Don't you call my husband "Big Nose"!

Well, he has got a big nose.

Could you be quiet, please? What was that?

I don't know, I was too busy talking to Big Nose.

I think it was, "Blessed are the cheese makers."

What's so special about the cheese makers?

Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally.

It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

See, if you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!

Better keep listening, might be a bit about

"Blessed are the big noses".

Oh, lay off him.

Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface.

Where are you two from, Nose City?

One more time, mate,

I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!

Language!

And don't pick your nose!

I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was gonna thump him!

Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

-The Greek? -Mm-hmm.

Well, apparently, he's gonna inherit the Earth.

Did anyone catch his name?

You aren't going to thump anybody.

I'll thump him if he calls me "Big Nose" again!

Oh, shut up, Big Nose!

Oh! Right, I warned you.

I really will slug you so hard--

Oh, it's the meek!

"Blessed are the meek."

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.

Listen, I'm only telling the truth, you have got a very big nose.

Hey, your nose is going to be three-foot wide across your face

-by the time I'm finished with you! -Shh!

Who hit yours then, Goliath's big brother?

Oh! Right, that's your last warning.

Oh, do pipe down.

Oh!

[both grunting]

Silly bitch, getting in the way.

[all grunting]

Break it up!

-Oh, come on, let's go to the stoning. -All right.

Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.

Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is it's the meek who are the problem.

Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.

Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.

-All right. -[commotion continues]

Hey, get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that.

Officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on.

It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all.

[gasps]

Oh, I hate wearing these beards.

Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, Mum?

It's written, that's why.

-Beard, madam? -Oh, look,

I haven't got time to go to no stonings.

He's not well again.

[donkey braying]

Stone, sir?

No, they've got them up there lying around on the ground.

Oh, not like these, sir. Look at these.

Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship, sir.

Hmm... uh...

All right. We'll have two with points and a big, flat one.

-Could I have a flat one, Mum? -Shh!

Sorry. Dad.

All right. Two points, two flats

-and a packet of gravel. -Packet of gravel.

-Should be a good one this afternoon. -Yeah?

-Local boy. -Oh, good.

Enjoy yourselves.

[people shouting angrily]

[shouting fades]

Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath...

Do I say yes?

-Yes! -Yes!

...you have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so as a blasphemer...

[crowd gasps]

...you are to be stoned to death!

[all murmuring]

Look, I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was,

"That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

[all gasp]

Blasphemy! He said it again!

[all shout in agreement]

-Did you hear him? -[all shout in feminine voices] Yeah! Yes, we did!

[high-pitched scream] Really!

Are there any women here today?

[quietly] No, no, no.

Very well.

By virtue of the authority

-vested in me... -Ow!

Lay off! We haven't started yet.

Come on! Who threw that?

Who threw that stone? Come on!

[all in feminine voices] She did! She did!

[all continue in masculine voices] He did! He did! He did!

Sorry, I thought we'd started.

-Go to the back. -Oh, dear.

Always one, isn't there?

Now, where were we?

Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy just saying "Jehovah".

-[angry shouting] -[all shout in feminine voices] He did it again!

You're only making it worse for yourself!

Making it worse?! How could it be worse?

-Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! -[crowd gasps]

I'm warning you! If you say Jehovah once more--

Right! Who threw that?

Come on! Who threw that?

[all shouting in feminine voices]

[all continue in masculine voices] Him! Him! Him!

-Was it you? -Yes.

-Right-- -Well, you did say Jehovah.

[high-pitched screaming]

Stop! Stop! Will you stop that?!

Stop it!

Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?

Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say "Jehovah"!

[screaming resumes]

-[all] Whoa, whoa, whoa! -[thudding]

-[crowd applauds] -[woman] Good shot!

[cheers, applause continue]

[dramatic music]

-Have I got a big nose, Mum? -Oh, stop thinking about sex.

-I wasn't! -You're always on about it.

Morning, noon and night.

"Will the girls like this, will the girls like that?

Is it too big, is it too small?"

[indistinct chattering]

-Alms for a leper. -Alms for a leper.

Alms for an ex-leper.

Bloody donkey-owners, all the same, ain't they?

Never have any change.

Oh, here's a touch.

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?

Buzz off!

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?

A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.

-Half a talent then? -No, go away.

-Come on, big nose, let's haggle. -What?

All right, cut the haggling, say you open at one shekel,

I start at 2000, we close about 1800.

-No. -Seventeen fifty?

-Go away! -Seventeen forty?

Will you leave him alone!

All right. Two shekels, just two.

Is this fun, eh?

Look, he's not giving you any money.

Now piss off!

All right, final offer, half a shekel for an ex-leper?

Did you say "ex-leper"?

That's right, sir, 16 years behind a bell and proud of it, sir.

-Well, what happened? -I was cured, sir.

-Cured? -Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.

-God bless you. -Who cured you?

Jesus did, sir.

I was hopping along, minding my own business.

All of a sudden, up he comes, cures me.

One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone.

Not so much as a "by your leave."

"You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.

Well, why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again?

I could do that, sir. Yeah, I could that, I suppose.

What I was thinking was gonna ask him if he'd make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week.

You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir.

Brian. Come and clean your room out.

-There you are. -Thank you, sir. Thank...

Half a denarii for me bloody life story?

There's no pleasing some people.

That's just what Jesus said, sir.

-Oh! -Good afternoon.

Oh, uh, hello, officer.

Uh... I'll be with you in a few moments, all right, dear?

What's he doing here?

Don't start that, Brian. Go clean your room out.

Bloody Romans.

Now, look, Brian, if it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this. And don't you forget it.

We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.

Well, that's not entirely true, is it, Brian?

What do you mean?

Well, you know when you were asking me about your, uh--

-My nose? -Yes.

Well, there's a reason it's like it is, Brian.

What is it?

-Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... -What?

Well, Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.

-I never thought he was. -Now, none of your cheek!

He was a Roman, Brian.

He was a centurion in the Roman army.

You mean you were raped?!

Well, at first, yes.

Who was it?

Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm.

Promised me the known world, he did.

I was to be taken to Rome, house by the Forum, slaves, asses' milk, as much gold as I could eat.

Then he, having his way with me he had, boom, like a rat out of an aqueduct.

The bastard!

Yes, and next time you go on about the "bloody Romans" don't forget you're one of them.

I'm not a Roman, Mum.

And I never will be.

I'm a kike, a yid, a hebe, a hooknose.

I'm kosher, Mum.

I'm a Red Sea pedestrian and proud of it!

[door slams]

[chuckles]

Sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, huh?

Well, how are you then, officer?

[plays fanfare]

[light applause]

[quiet chattering]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the next contest is between

Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Mineburg.

[Brian] Thank you, madam.

Larks' tongues.

Wrens' livers.

Chaffinch brains.

Jaguars' earlobes.

Wolf-nipple chips.

Get them while they're hot. They're lovely.

Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar.

Tuscany fried bats...

I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interest within its power base.

Agreed. Francis?

Yeah, I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the movement never forgets that it is the unalienable right of every man...

-Or woman. -...or woman, to rid himself...

-Or herself. -...or herself--

-Agreed. -Thank you, brother.

-Or sister. -Or sister...

Where was I?

I think you finished.

Oh, right.

Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man...

Or woman.

Why don't you shut up about women, Stan, you're putting us off.

Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

Why are you always on about women, Stan?

I want to be one.

What?

I want to be a woman.

From now on, I want you all to call me "Loretta".

What?!

It's my right as a man.

Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

I want to have babies.

You want to have babies?!

It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

But you can't have babies!

Don't you oppress me.

I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb.

Where's the fetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?

Here, I've got an idea.

Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.

Good idea, Judith.

We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother--

-Sister. Sorry. -What's the point?

-What? -What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?

It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

[fanfare plays]

[light applause]

-[man] Get out there. Get out. -[man #2] It's dangerous out there.

-[grunts] -[applause]

[crowd murmuring]

[crowd booing]

Larks' tongues.

Otters' noses.

Ocelots' spleens.

-Got any nuts? -Haven't got any nuts, sorry.

I've got wrens' livers, badgers' spleens--

No, no, no.

-Otters' noses? -I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.

-Why don't you sell proper food? -Proper food?

Yeah, not those rich imperialist tidbits.

Well, don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff.

All right, bag of otters' noses, then.

-Make it two. -Two.

Thanks, Reg.

Are you the Judean People's Front?

-Fuck off! -What?

[scoffs] Judean People's Front.

We're The People's Front of Judea.

-Judean People's Front, God! -Wankers.

Can I join your group?

No, piss off.

I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job.

I hate the Romans as much as anybody.

Shh, shh, shh!

Are you sure?

Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.

Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the Romans.

I do.

Oh, yeah, how much?

A lot.

Right, you're in.

Listen, the only people we hate more than the Romans are the fuckin' Judean People's Front.

-Yeah! -Splitters.

And the Judean Popular People's Front.

-Oh, yeah. -Splitters.

And the People's Front of Judea.

-[Francis and Judith] Splitters. -What?

The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.

We're the People's Front of Judea!

Oh...

I thought we were the Popular Front.

People's Front!

Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?

He's over there.

[all] Splitter!

[crowd continues booing]

[panting]

[groaning]

I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest.

[booing continues]

-Absolutely dreadful. -Humph!

[crowd cheers]

Yes, brother!

Ha-ha!

What's your name?

Brian. Brian Cohen.

We may have a little job for you, Brian.

[suspenseful music]

[bird calling]

What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"?

"People called Romanes, they go the house"?

It says, "Romans go home."

-No, it doesn't. -[whimpers]

What's Latin for "Roman"?

-Come on. -[shrieks] Romanus?

-Goes like? -Anus?

Vocative plural of anus is?

[whimpering] Ani?

Romani.

"Eunt"? What is eunt?

Go.

Conjugate the verb "to go".

Ere, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.

-So eunt is? -[whimpering]

Third person plural, present indicative. "They go."

But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the...?

-Imperative! -Which is?

-Um... Oh! Um...

-I. -How many Romans?

-Plural, plural. Ite. Ite. -Ite.

Domus? Nominative?

"Go home." This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?

Dative! Ahh!

Not dative, not the dative, sir!

[shrieking]

The accusative! Accusative!

Domum, sir. Ad domum.

Except that domus takes the...?

-The locative, sir. -Which is?!

-Domum! -Domum.

-[panting] -Um.

-Understand? -Yes, sir.

-Now, write that 100 times. -Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

-Hail Caesar, sir. -Hail Cesar.

If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Hail Caesar and everything, sir.

-[cheerful music] -[birds singing]

[panting]

Finished.

Right.

Now, don't do it again.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

Hey! Bloody Romans.

[music continues]

[Francis] We get in through the underground heating-system here, up through into the main audience chamber here and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.

Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody, and forthwith issue our demands.

-Any questions? -What exactly are the demands?

We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman imperialist state and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.

Cut her head off?

Cut all her bits off.

Send them back on the hour, every hour.

Show them we're not to be trifled with.

And, of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up and that we shall not submit to blackmail.

[all] No blackmail!

They've bled us white, the bastards.

They've taken everything we had.

And not just from us!

From our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

-Yeah. -And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.

Yeah, all right, Stan, don't labor the point.

And what have they ever given us in return?

The aqueduct?

-What? -The aqueduct.

Oh, yeah, yeah, they did give us that. That's true, yeah.

And the sanitation.

Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.

Remember what the city used to be like.

Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aqueduct and sanitation are two things the Romans have done.

And the roads.

Well, yeah, obviously the roads.

I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they?

But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct and the roads--

-[man] Irrigation. -Medicine.

Education.

Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough.

And the wine.

[all murmur in agreement]

Yeah! Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left.

[man #2] Public baths.

And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.

Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order.

Let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.

[all laugh]

All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

Brought peace?

Oh, peace!

Shut up!

[loud knocking]

[dramatic music]

[knocking continues]

I'm a poor man. My sight is poor.

My legs are old and bent.

It's all right, Matthias.

It's all clear.

Well, where's Reg?

Oh, Reg.

Reg, it's Judith.

What went wrong?

The first blow has been struck.

-Did he finish the slogan? -A hundred times.

In letters ten-foot high, all the way around the palace.

Oh, great.

Great!

We... we need doers in our movement, Brian, but before you join us, know this, there is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.

[man] Uh, well, one.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one.

But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?

Yes.

From now on, you shall be called, "Brian, that is called Brian."

Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis.

Right. This is the plan...

[dramatic music]

[Francis] Now, this is the palace in Caesar's Square.

Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street under cover of night,

and make our way to the northwestern main drain.

If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference.

Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the PFJ,

will be coordinating consultant at the drain head,

though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action,

as he has a bad back.

-Aren't you gonna come with us? -Solidarity, brother.

Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.

[Francis] Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence.

There is a Roman feast later in the evening so we must move fast,

and don't wear your best sandals.

Turning left here,

we enter the Caesar Augustus Memorial Sewer.

And from there, proceed directly to the hypocaust.

This has just been re-tiled, so, terrorists, careful with those weapons.

We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself.

This is the moment for Habakkuk to get out his prong.

[faint clanking]

[suspenseful music]

[music continues]

[shushing]

[heartbeats]

[heartbeats stop]

Campaign for Free Galilee.

Oh, uh, People's Front of Judea.

-Officials. -Oh.

What's your group doing here?

We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife.

Take her back. Issue demands.

-So are we. -What?

That's our plan.

-We were here first. -What do you mean?

-We thought of it first. -Oh, yeah?

Yes, a couple of years ago.

[PFJ groans]

-[man] We did? -Okay, come on.

You got all your demands worked out?

-Of course we have. -What are they?

-Well, I'm not telling you. -Pull the other one.

That's not the point. We thought of it before you.

-Did not. -We did.

-You didn't. -We bloody did!

[all argue, shushing]

You bastards, we've been planning this for months.

Well, tough titty for you, fish-face.

-All right. -Why you sly...

Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together!

We are.

We mustn't fight each other!

Surely, we should be united against the common enemy!

[all] The Judean People's Front?!

No, no, the Romans!

-[all] Oh, yeah. -Yes.

-[Francis] Yeah, he's right. -[man #1] Look out!

[man #2] Careful.

-Right! Where were we? -You were gonna punch me.

Oh, yeah!

[all grunting]

-Brothers! -Get off!

[dramatic music]

-[thud] -[Brian groans]

[music continues]

-[indistinct groans and shouts] -[whip cracking]

[laughs, then spits]

[groaning]

[continues laughing, then coughs]

-[man] You lucky bastard. -Who's that?

-You lucky, lucky bastard. -What?

Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?

What do you mean?

You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?

Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!

Oh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face?

I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face.

Well, it's not exactly friendly. They had me in manacles!

Manacles!

[moans]

My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles just for a few hours.

They must think the sun shines out of your ass, sonny.

Oh, lay off me, I've had a hard time!

You've had a hard time?

I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday!

So don't you come around--

All right, all right.

They must think you're Lord God almighty.

What will they do to me?

Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.

-Crucifixion?! -Yeah. First offence.

Get away with crucifixion?! It's--

Best thing the Romans ever did for us.

-What?! -Oh, yeah.

If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess.

-Guard! -Nail them up, I say!

-Guard! -Nail some sense into them!

What do you want?

I want you to move me to another cell.

-Ha! [spits] -Ahh!

Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism!

-Shut up, you. -Sorry.

-[coughing] -Now, take my case.

They hung me up here five years ago.

Every night they take me down for 20 minutes then they hang me up again.

Which I regard as very fair in view of what I've done.

And if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans and it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life unless you are prepared to do a fair day's work

-for a fair day's-- -Oh, shut up!

-Pilate wants to see you! -Me?

Come on!

[Brian] Pilate? What does he want to see me for?

I think he wants to know which way you want to be crucified.

Oh! [exaggerated laugh]

Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.

-Shut up! -Right. Right.

Terrific race, the Romans.

Terrific.

[fanfare plays]

Looks like a nice living area.

-[disappointed] Oh. -[footsteps approaching]

-Hail Caesar. -Hail.

Only one survivor, sir.

Ah. Throw him to the floor.

-What, sir? -Throw him to the floor.

Oh.

[groans]

Humph.

Now, what is your name, Jew?

-Brian, sir. -[speech impediment] Brian, eh?

No, no, Brian.

-Ow! -[Pilate chuckles]

The little rascal has spirit.

-Has what, sir? -Spirit.

Yes, he did, sir.

No, no, spirit.

Bravado, a touch of derring-do.

Oh, uh, about 11, sir.

So...

-You dare to raid us? -To what, sir?

Strike him, centurion, very roughly.

-Ahh! -Oh, and, uh... throw him to the floor, sir?

-What? -Throw him to the floor again, sir?

Oh, yes. Throw him to the floor, please.

Ahh!

Now, Jewish rapscallion...

I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.

-A Roman? -No, no, Roman.

Ahh!

So... your father was a Roman?

Who was he?

He was a centurion in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.

Really?

-What was his name? -Naughtius Maximus.

[laughs heartily]

Centurion, do you have anyone of that name in the garrison?

Well, no, sir.

Well, you sound very sure. Have you checked?

Well, no, sir, um...

I think it's a joke, sir.

Like "Sillius Soddus" or "Biggus Dickus," sir.

[men stifle laughter]

What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?

Well, it's a joke name, sir.

I have a very great friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.

[guard stifles laugh]

Silence! What is all this insolence?

You will find yourself in gladiator school very quickly with rotten behavior like that.

Can I go now, sir?

Ahh!

Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.

-[stifles laugh] -Right!

-Take him away! -Oh, sir, he--

No, no, I want him fighting rabid wild animals within a week!

Yes, sir. Come on, you.

[laughing]

I will not have my friends ridiculed by the common soldiery!

Anybody else feel like a little... giggle when I mention my friend,

Biggus

-Dickus? -[soldiers snicker]

And what about you?

Do you find it... risible when I say the name

-Biggus -[squeaks]

Dickus?

[snickers]

[snickering continues]

He has a wife, you know.

You know what she's called?

She's called...

Incontinentia.

-Incontinentia Buttocks. -[uncontrollable laughter]

Shut up! What is all this?

-[soldiers cackling] -I've had enough of this rowdy, rebel, sniggering behavior!

Silence! You call yourselves centurion guards?

Seize him! Seize him!

Blow your noses and seize him!

[dramatic music]

Hmm? Oh.

[whistling]

Ahh!

[speaking alien language]

[alarm blares]

[dramatic music continues]

[brakes squeal]

[spaceship descending]

[crashing]

You lucky bastard.

[dramatic music resumes]

And the beast's head shall be huge and black and the eyes, they're of red, with the blood of living creatures!

And the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent and throughout the land shall be a great rubbing of parts.

And the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword!

Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine!

Which he will wield on all wretched sinners.

Sinners just like you, sir, there.

And the horns shall be on the head...

Through Hebediah, his servant, there shall in that time be rumors of things going astray and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are.

And nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment.

At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about 8:00.

Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril that in that time shall the turds...

[indistinct chattering]

-How much? Quickly. -What?

It's for the wife.

Oh. Uh... twenty shekels.

-Right. -What?

-There you are. -Wait a minute.

-What? -Well, we're supposed to haggle.

-No, no, no. I've got to-- -What do you mean, "No, no, no"?

-I haven't got time-- -Give it back then.

-No, no, no, I just paid you. -Burt.

-Yeah? -This bloke won't haggle.

-Won't haggle?! -All right, do we have to?

-Now, look, I want 20 for that. -I just gave you 20.

Now, are you telling me that's not worth 20 shekels?

-No. -Look at it.

Feel the quality, that's none of your goat.

All right, I'll give you 19 then.

No, no, no. Come on, do it properly.

-What? -Haggle properly, this isn't worth 19.

Well, you just said it was worth 20.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

-Come on, haggle. -All right, I'll give you ten.

That's more like it. Ten? Are you trying to insult me?

Me, with a poor, dying grandmother? Ten?

-All right, I'll give you 11. -Now you're getting it, 11?!

Did I hear you right? Eleven?

This cost me 12, you want to ruin me?

-Seventeen? -No, no, no, no, "17"!

-Eighteen? -No, no, you go to 14 now.

-All right, I'll give you 14. -Fourteen!? Are you joking?

-That's what you told me to say! -Oh, dear.

Tell me what to say, please!

-Offer me 14. -I'll give you 14.

-He's offering me 14 for this! -Fifteen!

Seventeen. My last word, I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.

-Sixteen. -Done.

Nice to do business with you.

Tell you what, I'll throw you in this as well.

-I don't want it, but thanks. -Burt.

-Yeah. -All right, all right, all right.

-Now, where's the 16 you owe me? -I just gave you 20.

Oh, yeah, that's right. That's four I owe you then.

No, that's all right, that's fine.

No, hang on. I've got it here somewhere.

It's all right, that's four for the gourd.

Four? For this gourd?

Four!? Look at it, it's worth ten if it's worth a shekel!

You just gave it to me for nothing.

Yes, but it's worth ten.

All right, all right.

No, no, no, no, it's not worth ten, you're supposed to argue.

"Ten for that? You must be mad!"

Oh, well. One born every minute.

-Daniel. -Daniel.

-Job. -Job.

-Job. -Joshua.

-Joshua. -Joshua.

-Judges. -Judges.

-Judges. -And Brian.

-And Brian. -And Brian.

I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause.

-I second that, Reg. -Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.

Siblings, let us not be down-hearted.

One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning!

Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a--

Look out!

[dramatic music]]

Hello? Matthias?

-Reg. -[Reg whispers] Go away.

Reg, it's me, Brian.

Get off. Get off, out of it.

-Stan? -Piss off.

-Yeah, piss off. -[Reg] Bugger off.

[loud knocking]

Oh, shit!

Coming.

[knocking continues]

[man] Yea, verily at that time, which is written in the Book of Obadiah, a man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey, and anyone in the vicinity of either the nephew or the donkey.

[Matthias] My eyes are dim, I cannot see.

-Are you Matthias? -Yes.

We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organization the People's Front of Judea.

Me? No, I'm just a poor old man, I have no time for lawbreakers.

My legs are grey, my ears are nulled,

-my eyes are old and bent-- -Quiet!

Silly person. Guards, search the house.

You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?

-No. -Crucifixion.

Oh.

Nasty, eh?

It could be worse.

What do you mean, "could be worse"?

Well, you could be stabbed.

Stabbed? It takes a second.

Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.

Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.

You're weird.

No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir.

Well, don't worry, you've not seen the last of us... weirdo.

-Big nose. -Watch it!

Whew! That was lucky.

I'm sorry, Reg.

Oh, it's all right. Siblings, he's sorry.

He's sorry he led the Fifth legion straight to our official headquarters.

Well, that's all right then, Brian.

Sit down! Have a scone. Make yourself at home.

You klutz!

You stupid, birdbrained, flat-headed--

[loud knocking]

[man continues] ...with a great juicy melon behind.

[knocking continues]

My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes?

There's one place we didn't look.

-Guards! -I'm just a poor old man, my sight is dim, my eyes are poor, my nose is knackered.

Have you ever seen anyone crucified?

Crucifixion's a doddle.

Don't keep saying that.

Found this spoon, sir.

Well done, sergeant.

We'll be back... oddball.

-[loud knocking] -[man] Open up.

You haven't given us time to hide.

Ahh!

Whoa!

[both shouting]

[both preaching]

Don't pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself.

What?

I said, don't pass judgment on other people or else you might get judged too.

-Who, me? -Yes.

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, not just you, all of you.

-That's a nice gourd. -What?

-How much do you want for the gourd? -You can have it.

-Have it? -Yes. Consider the lilies.

-Don't you want to haggle? -No. In the field.

-What's wrong with it, then? -Nothing, take it.

-Consider the lilies? -Well, the birds, then.

-What birds? -Any birds.

-Why? -Well, have they got jobs?

-Who? -The birds.

Have the birds got jobs?!

What's the matter with him?

He says the birds are scrounging.

No, the point is the birds, they do all right, don't they?

-Well, and good luck to them! -Yeah, they're very pretty.

Okay. And you're much more important than they are, right?

So, what are you worrying about? There you are! See?

I'm worrying about what you've got against birds.

I haven't got anything against birds. Consider lilies--

He's having a go at the flowers now.

-Give the flowers a chance. -I'll give you one for it.

-It's yours! -Two then.

[sighs] Look, there was this man, and he had two servants--

-What were they called? -What?

-What were their names? -I don't know.

And he gave them some talents--

-You don't know? -Well, it doesn't matter.

He doesn't know what they were called!

Oh, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now--

You said you didn't know!

It really doesn't matter, the point is there were these two servants--

He's making it up as he goes along!

No, I'm not! And he gave them--

-Wait a minute, were there three? -[all groan]

-He's terrible. -There were three stewards really.

[woman] Oh, get off!

Now--Now, hear this.

Blessed are they who convert their neighbor's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth.

-[man] Rubbish! -And, to them only, shall be given...

To them only shall be given...

-[woman] What? -Hmm?

-[woman] Shall be given what? -Oh, nothing.

-What were you going to say? -[Brian] Nothing.

Yes, you were going to say something.

-No, I wasn't. I finished. -Oh, no, no.

Come on, tell us before you go.

-I wasn't going to say anything. I finished. -[woman] No, you hadn't.

-What won't he tell us? -He won't say.

-Is it a secret? -No.

-Is it? -It must be, otherwise he'd tell us.

-Oh, tell us the secret. -Leave me alone.

-What is the secret? -Is it the secret of eternal life?

-He won't say! -Of course not!

If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say.

-Leave me alone. -Just tell me, please.

No, tell us, master, we were here first.

[all clamoring]

-Five! -Go away!

-Tell us, master. -I can't go above five.

-Is that his gourd? -Yes, but it's under offer.

-This is his gourd. -Ten!

It is his gourd.

We will carry it for you, master.

Master?

He's gone. He's been taken up.

-Oh, he has been taken up! -Eighteen!

No, there he is. Over there.

[clamoring resumes]

[dramatic music]

Look! Look!

-[gasps] -He has given us a sign.

He has given us his shoe!

The shoe is the sign! Let us follow his example!

-What? -Let us, like him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is his sign that all who follow him shall do likewise!

No, no, the shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance.

Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd!

No, let us gather shoes together.

-Let me! -Oh, get off!

No, it is a sign that, like him, we must think not of the things of the body, but of the face and head!

-Give me your shoe! -Get off!

Follow the gourd, the holy gourd of Jerusalem!

The gourd!

Hold up the sandal, like he has--

-It is a shoe! It is a shoe! -It's a sandal!

-No, it isn't! It is a shoe! -[woman] Cast it away!

-Put it on! -Now clear off.

Take the shoes and follow him!

Come all ye who call yourselves Gourdenes.

[clamoring resumes]

Stop, I say.

Stop. Let us...

Let us pray.

Yea, he cometh to us like the seed to the grave...

[dramatic music]

[clamoring continues]

Master! Master!

[music continues]

Hey, is there another way down?

Is there another path down to the river?

[grunting]

Please, please, help me! I've got to get...

[all clamoring]

Oh, my foot!

-[groans] -[shushing]

-Damn! Damn! Damn! -I'm sorry.

-Oh, damn! Damn and blast it! -I'm sorry! Shh!

Don't you "shh" me.

Eighteen years of total silence, and you "shh" me.

-What? -I've kept my vow for 18 years.

Not a single recognizable, articulate sound has passed my lips.

Oh, please, could you be quiet for another five minutes?

Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself.

The times in the last 18 years I wanted to shout and sing

-and scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive! -Shh! Shh!

♪ Hava nagila hava nagila Hava nagila-- ♪

[mumbling]

Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!

Hello, birds! Hello, trees! I'm alive!

Get off! I'm alive!

[singing]

[all] Master! Master!

The master! He is here!

-His shoe! -It was the gourd!

[clamoring]

The shoe has brought us!

Speak! Speak to us, master! Speak to us!

Go away!

[all] A blessing! A blessing!

How shall we go away, master?

Just go away and leave me alone.

Give us a sign.

He has given us a sign, he has brought us to this place!

I didn't bring you here, you just followed me!

Oh, it's still a good sign, by any standard.

Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you.

They are weary and have not eaten.

It's not my fault they haven't eaten!

There is no food in this high mountain.

What about the juniper bushes over there?

[all gasp] A miracle! A miracle!

He has made the bush fruitful by his word!

They brought forth juniper berries!

Of course they brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper bushes.

-What do you expect?! -Show us another miracle.

Do not tempt him, shallow ones!

Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?

I say, those are my juniper bushes.

They are a gift from God!

They're all I've bloody got to eat.

[grunts] I say, get off of those bushes! Go on!

Clear off, the lot of you.

Lord, I am affected by a bald patch.

I'm healed! The master has healed me!

I didn't touch him!

I was blind, and now I can see!

[all] A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!

[chattering]

Tell them to stop it.

I hadn't said a word for 18 years till he came along.

[all] A miracle! He is the Messiah!

And he hurt my foot!

[all] Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt mine! Hurt mine!

-Hail Messiah! -I'm not the Messiah!

I say you are, Lord. And I should know, I've followed a few!

[all] Hail Messiah!

I'm not the Messiah! Would you please listen,

I am not the Messiah, do you understand?

Honestly!

Only the true Messiah denies his divinity.

What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me?

All right, I am the Messiah!

[all] He is! He is the Messiah!

Now, fuck off!

How shall we fuck off, o Lord?

Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!

You told these people to eat my juniper berries.

You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes!

Lay off! This is the Messiah, the chosen one!

-No, he's not. -An unbeliever!

[all] An unbeliever!

Persecute! Kill the heretic!

[all] Yeah! Kill! Kill! Kill!

-[all chanting] Kill! -Leave him alone!

Leave him alone!

Leave him alone.

Put him down. Please!

[romantic music]

Brian?

Judith?

[man imitates rooster] Cock-a-doodle-doo!

[romantic music continues]

[all] Look, there he is!

The chosen one has woken!

-[pounding on door] -[mother] Brian!

[gasps]

Ooh! Mother!

-Brian! -Hang on, Mother!

[door crashes open]

-Hello, Mother. -Don't you "hello, Mother" me.

What are those people doing out there?

Oh, well, I--

Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?

I think they must have popped by for something.

Popped by?!

Swarmed by, more like.

There's a multitude out there!

They started following me yesterday.

Well, they can stop following you right now.

Now stop following my son.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

[all] The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!

-The who? -[all] The Messiah!

There's no Messiah in here.

There's a mess all right, but no Messiah.

Now go away!

[all chant] Brian! Brian!

Right, my lad, what have you been up to?

-Nothing, Mum. -Come on, out with it.

They think I'm the Messiah, Mum.

What have you been telling them?

Nothing, I only--

You're only making it worse for yourself.

Look, I can explain--

No, let me explain, Mrs. Cohen! Your son is a born leader!

Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen.

They believe he can give them hope.

Hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!

-Who's that!? -Oh! That's Judith, Mum.

Judith, Mother.

Hmm. Ahh!

-Ooh...! -[crowd chants] Show us the Messiah!

Show us the Messiah!

Now you listen here, he's not the Messiah!

He's a very naughty boy! Now go away!

[all] Who are you?

I'm his mother, that's who.

[all] Behold his mother! Behold his mother!

Hail to thee, mother of Brian!

Blessed art thou! Hosanna!

All things to thee, now and always!

Now, don't think you can get around me like that.

He's not coming out, and that's my final word.

Now shove off!

[all] No!

Did you hear what I said?

[all] Yes!

Oh, I see. It's like that, is it?

[all] Yes!

Oh, all right then, you can see him for one minute, but not one second more, do you understand?

[all] Yes.

Promise?

[all] Well, all right.

All right, here he is then.

Come on, Brian, come and talk to them.

-But, Mum, Judith-- -Leave that Welsh tart alone.

-I don't really want to, Mum. -[crowd cheers]

[Brian] Good morning!

[all] A blessing! A blessing!

No, please. Please, please, listen!

I've got one or two things to say.

[all] Tell us! Tell us both of them!

Look, you've got it all wrong!

You don't need to follow me.

You don't need to follow anybody!

You've got to think for yourselves.

You're all individuals!

[all] Yes, we're all individuals!

You're all different.

[all] Yes, we are all different!

I'm not.

[crowd shushing]

You've all got to work it out for yourselves!

[all] Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves!

Exactly!

[all] Tell us more!

No, that's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do!

-Otherwise-- Oh, no! -That's enough! That's enough.

[crowd boos]

[all] That wasn't a minute.

Oh, yes, it was.

[all] Oh, no, it wasn't!

Now stop that and go away.

-Excuse me? -Yes?

Are you a virgin?

I beg your pardon?

Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?

"If it's not a personal question"?!

How much more personal can you get?

Now piss off.

-She is. -Must be. Definitely.

[all murmur in agreement]

[chattering]

-[all gasp] -Morning, Savior!

[all clamoring]

Lay your hands on me! Quick!

[man] Now, don't jostle the chosen one! Please!

Don't push that baby in the Savior's face!

He'll touch it later!

I say, could he see my wife? She has a headache.

You'll have to wait, I'm afraid!

She's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.

Look, the lepers are queuing!

Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath.

Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday?

-[man] Hello. -Don't push!

Now keep the noise down, please!

Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit, can't you?

Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes.

Um... women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you?

[Judith] Brian?

Brian! You were fantastic!

You weren't so bad yourself.

No, what you said just now!

Quite extraordinary!

What? Oh, that. Was it?

We don't need any leaders! You're so right!

Reg has been dominating us for too long.

Well, yes--

It needed saying, and you said it, Brian!

You're very attractive.

It's our revolution! We can all do it together!

I think... I think--

We're all behind you, Brian!

The revolution is in your hands!

What? No, that's not what I meant at all!

You're fucking nicked, me old beauty!

-[dramatic music] -Right!

Stop it!

[groans]

Well, Brian, you've given us a good run for our money.

A what?

And this time,

I guarantee you will not escape.

Guard... do we have any crucifixions today?

A hundred and thirty-nine, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir.

Right! Now we have 140!

Nice round number, eh, Biggus?

[chuckles]

-[crowd clamoring] -Hail Caesar!

Hail!

The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir.

Permission to disperse them, please.

Disperse them? But I haven't addressed them yet!

Uh, no, I know, sir, but--

My address is one of the high points of Passover!

My friend, Biggus Dickus, has come all the way from Rome just to hear it!

-Hail Caesar! -[lisping] Hail Caesar!

You're not...

You're not thinking of giving it a miss this year, then, sir?

Give it a miss?!

Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.

Really, centurion! I'm surprised to hear a man like you rattled by a rabble of rowdy rebels.

-A bit thundery, sir. -Take him away!

I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly!

And crucify him well!

Biggus!

[stammers] I really wouldn't, sir!

Out of the way, centurion!

Let me come with you, Pontius.

I may be of some assistance if there is a sudden crisis!

Right! Now, item four, attainment of world supremacy within the next five years.

Uh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this?

Yeah, thank you, Reg.

Well, quite frankly, siblings,

I think five years is optimistic unless we can smash the Roman Empire within the next 12 months!

-Twelve months? -Yeah, 12 months.

And let's face it, as empires go, this is the big one.

So we gotta get up off our asses and stop just talking about it!

[all] Hear! Hear!

I agree! It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now!

[all] Hear! Hear!

You're right. We could sit around here all day, talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches, it's not gonna shift one Roman soldier!

So let's just stop gabbing on about it!

It's completely pointless and it's getting us nowhere!

[all] Right!

I agree! This is a complete waste of time!

[dramatic music]

They've arrested Brian!

[all] What?

They've dragged him off! They're gonna crucify him!

Right! This calls for immediate discussion!

-Yes. -What?!

-Immediate! -Right!

-New motion? -Completely new motion!

Uh, that, uh... that there be immediate action...

Uh, once the vote has been taken.

Obviously, once the vote's been taken.

Can't act on a resolution until you've voted--

-Reg, let's go now, please! -Right! Right!

In the light of fresh information from sibling Judith...

-Not so fast, Reg. -Reg, for God's sake!

It's perfectly simple!

All you've gotta do is to go out of that door now and try to stop the Romans nailing him up!

It's happening, Reg!

Something's actually happening, Reg!

Can't you understand?

[frustrated scream]

[all snicker]

Yeah, hello.

Another little ego trip from the feminists.

-What? -Oh, sorry, Loretta.

Uh... read that back, would you?

[ominous music]

Next.

-Crucifixion? -Yes.

Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.

Next.

-Crucifixion? -Mm-hmm.

Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Next.

-Crucifixion? -Uh, no, freedom.

Hmm?

-What? -Uh, freedom for me.

They said I hadn't done anything so I could go free and live on an island somewhere.

Oh. Oh, well, that's jolly good.

Well, off you go, then.

No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion, really.

Oh. I see. Very good, very good.

Well, out of the door.

Yeah, I know the way. Out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.

Line on the left. Yes, thank you.

Crucifixion?

-Yes. -Good.

[fanfare plays]

[crowd cheering]

[cheering stops]

[speech impediment] People of Jerusalem!

[crowd snickers]

Rome is your friend!

[crowd laughs]

To prove our friendship, it is customary at this time to release a wrongdoer from our prisons.

-[crowd laughs] -[guard snickers]

Whom would you have me release?

-[imitates speech impediment] Release Roger! -[all cheer]

[all] Release Roger! Release Roger!

[all laugh]

Very well, I shall release Roger!

[all cheer]

Sir, we don't have a Roger, sir.

-What? -We don't have anyone of that name, sir.

Ah. We have no Roger!

[all groan]

-Well, what about Roderick, then? -Yeah!

[all] Release Roderick! Release Roderick!

Centurion, why do they titter so?

Just some, uh, Jewish joke, sir.

Are they... ragging me?

Oh, no, sir!

[sputters]

Very well. I shall release Roderick!

Sir, we don't have a Roderick either.

-No Roger, no Roderick? -Sorry, sir.

-Who is this--? -[guard snickers]

Who is this Roderick to whom you refer?

He is a robber!

[all laughing]

And a rapist!

[laughter continues]

And a pickpocket!

-[man] Yeah! -[all shushing]

He sounds a notorious criminal.

We haven't got him, sir.

Do we have anyone in our prisons at all?

Oh, yes, sir. We've got a Samson, sir.

-Samson? -Samson, the Sadducee Strangler, sir.

Uh, Silas, the Syrian Assassin.

Uh, several seditious scribes from Caesarea.

Uh... sixty-seven--

[lisping] Let me speak to them, Pontius!

-Oh, no! -Ah, good idea, Biggus.

Citizens! We have Samson the Sadducee Strangler,

-Silas the Assyrian Assassin... -[crowd laughing]

...several seditious scribes from Caesarea and...

Next.

Crucifixion?

-Yes. -Good.

Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.

-Jailor-- -Excuse me?

There's been some sort of a mistake.

Just a moment, would you? Jailor?

-How many have come through? -What?

Uh, how many have come through?

What?

You'll have to speak...

[stammers]

Speak up a bit, sir. He's d...

-[stammers] -Oh.

He's deaf as a post, sir.

Um...

How many have come through?

-Oh, dear. -I make it 90...

[stammers]

Ninety-six, sir.

It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?

No, sir!

Not with these... bastards, sir!

[stammers]

Crucifixion's too good for them, sir.

I don't think you could say it's good for them, it's very nasty!

Oh, it's not as n...

[stammers]

Not as nasty as something I just thought up, sir.

-Um... -Huh?

Now, um, crucifixion?

Is there someone I could speak to?

-Well-- -I know where to get it if you want it.

-What? -Don't worry about him, sir.

He's... [stammers]

He's deaf and mad, sir.

Well, how did he get the job?

Bloody Pilate's pet, sir!

Get a move on, big nose!

There's people waiting to be crucified out here! [laughs]

Could I see a lawyer or someone?

Um, do you have a lawyer?

No, but I'm a Roman.

How about a retrial? We've got plenty of time.

-Shut up, you! -Miserable, bloody Romans!

No sense of humor. [grunts]

I'm sorry, bit of a hurry.

Can you go straight out, line on the left, one cross each.

Now...

[crowd laughing]

Was it something I said?

Silence!

[laughter stops]

[speech impediment] This man commands a crack legion!

[laughter resumes]

He ranks as high as any in Rome!

[laughter gets louder]

[clears throat]

Crucifixion party?

Morning.

Now, we will be on show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down!

Keep in a good, straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front and a good, steady pace.

Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam you'll be there in no time.

All right, centurion!

Crucifixion party!

Wait for it.

Crucifixion party!

By the left! Forward!

[melancholy music]

[man] You lucky bastards!

You lucky, jammy bastards!

[moaning]

Let me shoulder your burden, brother!

Thank you.

-Hey! Hey! -What do you think you're doing?

Uh, it's not my cross--

Shut up and get on with it! Come on!

He had you there, mate, didn't he?

That'll teach you a lesson!

All right!

I will give you one more chance!

This time I want to hear no Rubens, no Reginalds, no Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeers.

No Spencer Tracys!

Or we shall release no one!

-Release Brian! -Oh, yeah, that's a good one!

[all] Release Brian! Release Brian!

[all laughing]

Very well! That's it!

-Sir, we have got a Brian, sir. -What?

You just sent him for crucifixion, sir!

Wait! Wait! We do have a Brian.

Well, go and free him, straight away!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Very well.

I shall release Brian!

[ominous music]

Get a move on, there!

-Or what? -Or you'll be in trouble!

Oh, dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons?

-Shut up! -That would be a blow, wouldn't it?

I wouldn't have nothing to do!

Oh, thank you!

Have they gone?

We've got lumps of it around the back.

What?

Oh, don't worry about him sir, he's ma...

[stammers]

He's... He's mad, sir.

Have they gone?!

Oh... [stammers]

-Oh, come on. -Yes, sir.

Anyway, get on with the story.

Well, I just never really liked them, so I just--

Right! The motion to get on with it passed with one abstention.

I propose we go without further ado. May I have a second?

-Let's just go. -Yeah, all right.

[dramatic music]

-Bloody Romans! -Watch it!

Still a few crosses left!

[music continues]

Up you go, big nose!

I'll get you for this, you bastard!

-Oh, yeah! -Oh, yeah. Don't worry.

-I never forget a face. -No?

I warn you. I'm gonna punch you so hard, you Roman git!

Shut up, you Jewish turd!

Who are you calling Jewish?

I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan!

A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section!

It doesn't matter! You're all gonna die in a day or two!

It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us, doesn't it, darling?

Oh, rather!

Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.

Pharisees separate from Sadducees!

-And Swedish separate from Welsh! -[all grumbling]

All right, all right, all right! We'll soon settle this!

Hands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here!

[all grunting]

Right! Next!

Uh, look, it's not my cross.

-What? -Um, it's not my cross.

I was holding it for someone.

Just lie down, I haven't got all day!

No, of course. Look, I hate to make a fuss--

Look, we've had a busy day, there's 140 of you lot to get up.

-Is he Jewish? -Will you be quiet?!

We don't want any more Samaritans around here.

Belt up!

Will you let me down if he comes back?

Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down. Next!

You don't have to do this! You don't have to take orders!

I like orders.

[dramatic music]

See? Not so bad once you're up.

You're being rescued then, are you?

It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?

Oh, no, we've got a couple of days up here.

Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued.

Oh?

Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me.

If he can keep off the tail for more than 20 minutes.

-[scoffs] -Oh.

Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire. [laughs]

[music resumes]

Hello. Your family arrived then?

Reg!

Hello, sibling Brian.

Thank God you've come, Reg.

Um, yes, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, that we are not, in fact, the rescue committee.

However, I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the movement.

"We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."

-What? -"Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites.

Signed, On behalf of the PFJ," et cetera.

And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration for what you're doing for us, Brian, and what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time.

Reg! What are you going to do?

Goodbye, Brian. And thanks.

All right, Brian. Keep it up, lad.

Terrific work, Brian.

[indistinct chatter]

Right. And...

♪ For he's A jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's A jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's A jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ And so say all of-- ♪

You bastards! You bastards!

-Where is Brian of Nazareth? -You sanctimonious bastards!

I have an order for his release.

-You stupid bastards! -I'm Brian of Nazareth.

-What? -Yeah, I'm Brian of Nazareth.

-Take him down! -I'm Brian of Nazareth!

I'm Brian!

-I'm Brian! -Look, look, I'm Brian!

-I'm Brian! -I'm Brian and so is my wife!

[all shouting]

Right! Take him away and release him!

No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian.

No, I'm not Brian! I was only... It was a joke.

I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke!

I'm not him, I'm just having you on!

Put me back!

Bloody Romans, can't take a joke.

[pounding]

[trumpeting fanfare]

[dramatic music]

[gasps] The Judean People's Front!

[music continues]

The Judean People's Front!

Onward, all!

Look out! The Judean People's Front!

The Judean People's Front!

[all shouting]

We are the Judean People's Front, crack suicide squad.

Suicide squad, attack!

[drumroll]

[all groan]

That showed them, huh?

You silly sods!

[Judith] Brian!

Brian! Brian! Brian!

Judith!

Terrific! Great!

Reg has explained it all to me, and I think it's great what you're doing.

Thank you, Brian.

I'll... never forget you.

So there you are!

I might have known it would end up like this.

Just think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you!

Well, if that's how you treat your poor, old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, go ahead, be crucified.

See if I care. I might have known.

-Mum! Mum! -[mother muttering to herself]

I don't know what the world is coming to.

[man] Cheer up, Brian!

You know what they say?

Some things in life are bad.

They can really make you mad.

Other things just make you swear and curse.

♪ When you're Chewing on life's gristle ♪

♪ Don't grumble Give a whistle ♪

♪ And this'll help things Turn out for the best ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ Always look on The bright side of life ♪

[whistles]

♪ Always look on The light side of life ♪

♪ If life seems jolly rotten ♪

♪ There's something You've forgotten ♪

♪ And that's to laugh and smile And dance and sing ♪

♪ When you're feeling In the dumps ♪

♪ Don't be silly chumps ♪

♪ Just purse your lips And whistle that's the thing ♪

♪ And always look on The bright side of life ♪

-[all whistling] -Come on!

♪ Always look on The right side of life ♪

♪ For life is quite absurd ♪

♪ And death's the final word ♪

♪ You must always face The curtain with a bow ♪

♪ Forget about your sin ♪

♪ Give the audience a grin ♪

♪ Enjoy it It's your last chance anyhow ♪

♪ So always look on The bright side of death ♪

[all whistling]

♪ Just before you draw Your terminal breath ♪

♪ Life's a piece of shit ♪

♪ When you look at it ♪

♪ Life's a laugh and Death's a joke it's true ♪

♪ You'll see it's all a show ♪

♪ Keep 'em laughing as you go ♪

♪ Just remember that The last laugh is on you ♪

♪ And always look on The bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on The right side of life ♪

Come on, Brian! Cheer up!

♪ Always look on The bright side of life ♪

[all whistling]

♪ Always look on The bright side of life ♪

[man] Worse things happen at sea, you know?

♪ Always look on The bright side of life ♪

[Stan] What have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost?

-Nothing! -♪ Always look on The bright side of life ♪

[man] Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say?

Cheer up, you old bugger!

Come on! Give us a grin! There you are!

See? The end of the film.

Incidentally, this record is available in the foyer.

Some of us have got to live as well, you know?

[all whistling]

[man] Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?

They're not gonna make their money back, you know.

I told them. I said to him. "Bernie," I said,

"They'll never make their money back."

♪ Always look on The bright side of life ♪

[instrumental "Bright Side of Life"]