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Monty Python Live (Mostly): One Down, Five to Go (2014)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(ORCHESTRAL OVERTURE PLAYING)

CHOIR: (SINGING) ♪ Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely Spa-a-a ♪

♪ A-a-a-m ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side ♪

♪ Of life! ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

(THEME FROM 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING)

-Ole! -(SNICKERS)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Senoras, senores y senoritas, buenas noches.

-ALL: Buenas Noches. -(WHOOPING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

ALL: (SHOUTING) Llama!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(ALL CHEERFULLY SHOUTING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

-Ole! -ALL: Ole!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(COOING)

(SINGING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(SINGING IN SPANISH)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Who would have thought 40 years ago, we'd all be sitting here doing Monty Python?

ALL: Aye, aye.

In them days, we was glad to have the price of a cup of tea.

-Cup of cold tea. -Aye.

Without milk or sugar.

-Or tea. -In a cracked cup and all.

Oh, we never used to have a cup.

We used to have to drink it out of a roll of newspaper.

Best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

But you know we were happy in those days, although we were poor.

-Because we were poor. -Right.

My old dad used to say to me,

"Money doesn't buy you happiness, son."

-He was right. -Oh, aye.

I was happier in those days and I had nothing.

We used to live in this tiny, old chumble-down house, with great big holes in the roof.

You were lucky to have a house.

There were 26 of us in one room.

No furniture, half the floor were missing.

We were all huddled in one corner for fear of falling.

You were lucky to have a room.

We used to live in corridor.

Oh...

We used to dream of living in a corridor.

Would have been a palace to us.

We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip.

Got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us.

House. Ha!

Well, when I say "House," it was only a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us.

We were evicted from our hole in the ground.

We had to go and live in the swamp.

You were lucky to have a swamp.

There were 150 of us living in a shoe box, in the middle of road.

-Cardboard box? -Aye.

You were lucky.

We lived for three months in a rolled-up newspaper in a septic tank.

We used to have to get up at 6:00 in the morning, clean the newspaper, go to work down at the mill, 14 hours a day, week in, week out, for six pence a week.

When we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt.

Luxury.

We used to get up out of the swamp at 3:00 in the morning, drain the swamp, eat a hard-boiled twig, work 19 hours at mill for a shilling a year, and when we got home, our dad would flog us to sleep with a cat-o'-nine-tails if we were lucky. Ha!

Paradise.

We had it tough.

We used to have to get up out of shoe box in middle of night, and lick road clean with our tongues.

We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel, work 24 hours a day at mill for four pence every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with bread knife.

Right.

I had to get up in the morning at 10:00 at night, half an hour before I went to bed.

Eat a lump of cold poison, work 29 hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing hallelujah.

Aye.

You try and tell the young people of today that,

-and they won't believe you. -No.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Wasn't that terrific, ladies and gentlemen? Really great.

Now, the next item on the program is...

I can't stand it, man.

Really, I've had it with this idiot.

Every night, making me say the most annoying...

Really terrific act. Now, the next item on the...

MOUTH: Mouth's gone... It's gone away.

Gonna find someone a bit cooler, maybe?

I mean, it can't be that hard.

I got experience... (MUTTERS)

Know how he feels... (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(MUFFLED GRUNTS)

Welcome aboard, British-er pig.

Aye, Fritz, the tables seem to have turned, old chap.

Greetings, capitalist pig,

very sorry, but must inform you

that you are now our prisoner.

(SHIP HORN BLARES)

(CROWD WHISTLING)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

You look and smell divine.

Welcome to Monty's Musical, the show that leaves you wanting less.

And, a very big hand please, for Terry Gilliam.

Here's a little number

I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

♪ Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? ♪

♪ Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? ♪

♪ It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick ♪

♪ From the tiniest little tadger ♪

♪ To the world's biggest prick ♪

♪ So, three cheers for your willy or John Thomas ♪

♪ Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake ♪

♪ Your piece of pork Your wife's best friend ♪

♪ Your Percy or your cock ♪

♪ You can wrap it up in ribbons ♪

♪ You can slip it in your sock ♪

♪ But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock ♪

♪ And you won't a-come a-back ♪

Thank you very much, indeed. Thank you so much.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thank you.

I'd like to thank the Navy, and here they are.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

♪ Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? ♪

♪ Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? ♪

♪ It's swell to have a stiffy ♪

♪ It's divine to own a dick ♪

♪ From the tiniest little tadger ♪

♪ To the world's biggest prick ♪

♪ So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas ♪

♪ Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake ♪

♪ Your piece of pork Your wife's best friend ♪

♪ Your Percy or your cock ♪

♪ You can wrap it up in ribbons ♪

♪ You can slip it in your sock ♪

♪ But don't take it out in public ♪

♪ Or they'll stick you in the dock ♪

♪ And you won't come back ♪

♪ It's fun to own your own vagina ♪

♪ It's great to have your friendly thatch ♪

♪ Your minge, your twat your kitty cat ♪

♪ Your nest, your nasty or your snatch ♪

♪ It's great to have a monkey furrow ♪

♪ Your finger pie your lunch box or your catch ♪

♪ Your camel toe your bearded clam ♪

♪ Your bottom at the front ♪

♪ Your monkey minge your muffin ♪

♪ Or your old Sir Berkeley Hunt ♪

♪ Your honey pot your hairy friend ♪

♪ But never call it "cunt" ♪

♪ Or we won't come back ♪

♪ Isn't it awfully nice to own a bottom ♪

♪ Isn't it frightfully good to have an arse ♪

♪ It's swell to own a tushy it's divine to have a scut ♪

♪ From the skinniest little buttocks ♪

♪ To the world's largest butt ♪

♪ Three cheers for your posterior or anus ♪

♪ Hooray for your lovely sit-upon ♪

(WHISTLES)

♪ Your fundament, your fanny ♪

♪ Your cheeky little dear ♪

♪ Your rump, your haunch your hams ♪

♪ Your stern, your fanny or your rear ♪

♪ But be careful how you handle it or you'll be caught I fear ♪

♪ And you won't come back ♪

♪ Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis... ♪

♪ It's fun to own your own vagina ♪

♪ It's great to have your friendly thatch ♪

♪ It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick ♪

♪ Your kitty cat ♪

♪ Your nest, your nasty or your snatch... ♪

♪ So, three cheers for your willy... ♪

♪ It's great to have a monkey furrow ♪

♪ Your finger pie, your lunch box or your catch... ♪

♪ Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend ♪

♪ Your Percy or your cock ♪

♪ Your bottom at the front ♪

♪ Your monkey minge your muffin ♪

♪ But don't take it out in public ♪

♪ Or they'll stick you in the dock ♪

♪ And you won't come back ♪

♪ No, sir! No, you won't come back ♪

♪ No, sir! ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

Company, by the right...

Dress!

Company, camp it, hup!

♪ My goodness me! ♪

♪ I'm in a bad temper today all right! ♪

♪ Two, three, damn, damn ♪

♪ Two, three I'm vexed and ratty ♪

♪ Two, three, and hopping mad ♪

♪ Stamp, stamp Get her, whoops ♪

♪ I've got your number, ducky ♪

♪ You couldn't afford me, dear ♪

♪ Two, three, I'll scratch your eyes out ♪

♪ Two, three, meow ♪

♪ Two, three ♪

♪ Don't come the Rear Admiral bit with us, dear ♪

♪ We all know where you've been you Royal Naval fairy ♪

♪ Two, three, left, right, left, right ♪

♪ Mother's kissing us tonight ♪

♪ Whoops, don't look now, girls ♪

♪ The captain's just minced in with that dolly little seaman ♪

♪ Two, three, ooh ♪

♪ Two, three, hello sailor! ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

Company, today, you go off to war, and my God, I wish I was coming with you.

When I first went to fight, I had two arms.

Two good arms, but when the time came to give them,

I gave them, I gave them gladly.

I sang and laughed as they sawed them off, because I believed that there was a future for mankind if men were prepared to give their limbs.

And not just men, but their women folk, too, and our children, and our children's children's limbs, and our children's children's limbs.

And what about our pets?

Why should the little bastards get off...

MAN: Right. Stop that sketch. I think it's silly.

Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do.

Except perhaps, my wife, and some of her friends.

Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson.

Come to think of it,

most people like a good laugh more than I do.

But that's beside the point.

Now, let's have a good, clean, healthy outdoor sketch.

Get some air into your lungs.

Ten, nine, eight, and all that.

There are pages in history's book,

which are written on the grand scale.

Events so momentous,

that they dwarf man and time alike.

And such was the Battle of Pearl Harbor,

re-enacted for us now

by the women of the Batley Townswomen's Guild.

Miss Rita Thurbanks, you organized this reconstruction

of the battle of Pearl Harbor, why?

Well, we've always been extremely interested

in modern drama.

We were, of course,

the first Townswomen's Guild to perform Camp on Blood Island,

and last year, of course,

we did an extremely popular re-enactment

of Nazi war atrocities.

And so, this year, we thought,

we'd like to do something in a lighter vein.

ANNOUNCER: So, you chose the battle of Pearl Harbor?

Yes, that's right, we did.

ANNOUNCER: Well, I can see you're all ready to go,

so, I'll just wish you good luck in your latest venture.

Thank you very much, young man.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

the World of History is proud to present

the premiere of the Batley Townswomen's Guild

re-enactment of the Battle of Pearl Harbor.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(ALL YELLING)

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(MAN CHUCKLES)

That's it! We're not about to allow

this sort of smut to be showing on screen.

A Michelangelo to see you, Your Holiness.

What?

Michelangelo, the famous Renaissance artist, whose best known works include, the celebrated statue of David without any underpants.

In 1514...

Yes, yes, they've got it now, they've got it now.

-What? What? -Go away.

I was just trying to be informative.

Go away.

Oh... (INHALES DEEPLY)

Right. Exits.

-Good evening, Your Holiness. -Good evening, Michelangelo.

Now, I want to have a word with you about this painting of yours, the Last Supper.

-Oh, yeah? -I'm not happy with it.

Oh, dear. It took me hours.

Not happy at all.

-Is it the jelly you don't like? -Jelly?

I mean, they do add a bit of colour, don't they?

I know what it is. You don't like the kangaroo.

-What kangaroo? -Never mind, I'll paint him out.

I never saw a kangaroo.

Well, he's at the back with the llama.

Doesn't matter, I'll make him into one of the Disciples.

Ah.

-Okay? -That's the problem.

-What is? -The Disciples.

Are they too Jewish?

I made Judas the most Jewish.

No, it's just that there are 28 of them.

-Too many? -Well, of course it's too many.

Yeah, I know, but I wanted to give the impression of a real Last Supper, you know not just like a last snack or a final meal.

But a real mother of a Last Supper.

There were only 12 Disciples at the Last Supper.

Well, maybe, some of their friends dropped by after dinner for a drink.

No friends.

-Waiters? -No waiters.

-Cabaret. -No cabaret.

You see, I like the crowd, it helps to flesh out the scene.

I could lose a few, I suppose.

Look, there were only 12 Disciples...

I've got it.

We'll call it, The Last But One Supper.

What?

Well, if there was a last one, there must have been a one before that.

So, this will be the Penultimate Supper.

The Bible doesn't say how many people were there now, does it?

-No, no. -Well, there you are, then.

Well, look, look,

The Last Supper was a significant event in the life of our Lord.

The Penultimate Supper was not, even if they had a mariachi band and a conjurer.

Now, I commissioned a Last Supper from you, and a Last Supper I want, with 12 Disciples, and one Christ!

One?

Yes, one!

Now, will you tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it?

-It works, mate. -Works?

Yeah, it looks great.

The fat one balances the two skinny ones.

There was only one redeemer!

I know that, we all know that.

I want one...

But what about a bit of artistic license?

I want one Messiah.

I'll tell you what you want, you want a bloody photographer, that's what you bloody well want.

Not an artistic creator.

I'll tell you what I want.

I want a Last Supper with 12 Disciples, one Christ, no steel bands, no trampoline acts, no kangaroos, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid.

Bloody fascist.

Look, I'm the head of the fucking Catholic Church, I am, so, watch it.

You know what makes that special?

Yes.

♪ There are Jews in the world there are Buddhists ♪

♪ There are Hindus and Mormons ♪

♪ And then ♪

♪ There are those who all follow Mohammed ♪

♪ But I've never been one of them ♪

♪ I'm a Roman Catholic ♪

♪ And have been since before I was born ♪

♪ And the one thing they say about Catholics is ♪

♪ They'll take you as soon as you're warm ♪

♪ You don't have to be a six-footer ♪

♪ You don't have to have a great brain ♪

♪ You don't have to have any clothes on ♪

♪ You're a Catholic the moment Dad came ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪

♪ Every sperm is great ♪

♪ If a sperm is wasted ♪

♪ God gets in a bate ♪

CHOIR: ♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪

♪ Every sperm is great ♪

♪ If a sperm is wasted ♪

♪ God gets quite irate ♪

VIRGIN MARY: ♪ Let the Heathens spill theirs ♪

♪ On the dusty ground ♪

♪ God shall make them pay ♪

♪ For each sperm that can't be found ♪

CHOIR: ♪ Every sperm is wanted ♪

♪ Every sperm is good ♪

♪ Every sperm is needed ♪

♪ In your neighbourhood ♪

♪ Hindu, Taoist, Mormon ♪

♪ Spill theirs just anywhere ♪

♪ But God loves those who treat ♪

♪ Their semen with more care ♪

♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪

♪ Every sperm is boss ♪

♪ If a sperm is wasted ♪

♪ God can get quite cross ♪

♪ Every sperm is holy ♪

♪ Every drop divine ♪

♪ But God needs everybody's ♪

♪ Mine ♪

♪ And mine ♪

♪ And mine ♪

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

♪ Let the pagans spill theirs ♪

♪ On mountain, hill and plain ♪

♪ God shall strike them down for ♪

♪ Each sperm that's spilled in vain ♪

♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪

♪ Every sperm is true ♪

♪ Every sperm is needed ♪

♪ Even in O2 ♪

♪ Every sperm is sacred ♪

♪ Every sperm is great ♪

♪ If a sperm is wasted ♪

♪ God gets quite ♪

♪ Irate ♪

♪ God gets quite ♪

♪ Irate ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

(ORCHESTRA CONTINUES PLAYING)

Bloody Catholics.

Filling up the bloody world with bloody people, they can't afford to bloody feed. (INHALES SHARPLY)

What are we, dear?

Protestant and fiercely proud of it.

Why do they have so many children?

Because every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby.

But it's the same with us, Harry.

What do you mean?

Well, we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice.

Ah.

That's not the point, we can have it whenever we want.

-Really? -Oh, yeah.

Because we don't believe in all that papist clap trap, we can take precautions.

What, you mean lock the door?

No. I mean as members of the Protestant Reformed Church, that successfully challenged the autocratic power of the papacy in the early part of the 16th century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.

What do you mean?

I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you.

Oh, yes, Harry.

And thanks to Martin Luther and his friends,

I could wear a sheath.

-What, a dress? -No, no.

A rubber sheath over my own fella to ensure that when I came off,

-you would not be impregnated. -Ooh!

Oh, yes, that's what being a Protestant's all about.

It doesn't stop with a simple condom, no.

I could wear French ticklers.

You what?

French ticklers, crocodile ribs, black mambos, wafer thin condoms.

Designed not only to protect, but enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.

Have you got one?

Have I got one?

Well, no.

But I could go down the road any time and walk into Boots with my head held high, and say, "Mr Boot, I want you to sell me a condom.

In fact, I think I'll have a Mexican tickler.

For, I am a Protestant, and that is best thing to be because that is what God wants."

You people really piss me off!

I'm sorry I invented you. It was a really bad idea.

Sex, sex, sex, that's all you bloody humans think about.

That, and trying to blow smoke up my arse with endless prayers.

It's so boring.

Now, this is supposed to be a funny show, so, for my sake, get on with it.

ANNOUNCER: And, welcome to Munich for the 27th City Olympiad,

an event held traditionally every 3.7 years,

which, this year, has brought together competitors

from over four million different countries.

And here we are at the start

of the first event of the afternoon,

the second semi-final of the 100 yards

for people with no sense of direction.

Now, I'll just give you the competitors.

Lane one, Kolomovski of Poland Lane two, Zatapatique of France.

Lane three, Gropovich of the United States.

Next to him, Drabble of Trinidad.

Next to him, Fernandez of Spain,

and in the outside lane, Bormann of Brazil.

(GUNSHOT)

And now, over to the swimming.

And you join us here at the Bundesabsurd pool,

just in time to see the start

of the 200 meters freestyle for non-swimmers.

Watch for the tough Australian champion,

Ron Barnett in the second lane.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Well, we'll be bringing you back here

the moment they start fishing the corpses out,

but now over to Hans Clay for the start of the marathon

for incontinence.

Well, we've got an enormous entry for this event.

Forty-four competitors from 29 different countries,

all of them with the most superbly weak bladders.

Not a tight sphincter in sight.

Ready to embark, nevertheless, on the world's longest race,

and they're just aching to go.

On your marks! Get set!

(GUNSHOT)

And they're off, they're off.

And now, the high jump.

Katerina Ovelenskij for the Soviet Union.

But what a jump! What a jump!

That will probably be a record!

And here we are at the 3,000 meter steeple chase

for people who think they're chickens.

There's Samuelsson of the United States

and over there, is Klaus of East Germany.

He's been a Rhode Island Red now for the last three Olympics.

And there's the referee trying to get them going...

Where is the leader?

Abe Seagull of Canada, he went off,

got a very good start and then settled down on the water jump,

and has now gone loopy.

Now, we're back with the marathon

for incontinence once again.

There's Polinski of Poland in the lead,

and now, Brewer of Australia has taken over.

Brewer has overtaken him, but he's gone to spend a penny.

There goes Burt to spend a penny

and there goes Gurdich of Austria,

and so now it's Alvarez of Cuba,

followed by the plucky Norwegian, Borg.

They're in and out like yo-yos, boys! And there's MacDonald!

MacDonald is coming back, but he can't hold... Here's Immacuvich.

Immacuvich of Yugoslavia is taking...

And he can't hold it either.

Well, well, these must be some of the weakest bladders

ever to represent their countries.

And now, let's have a look back

at what's going on down on the stage.

-Ah, Mr Anchovy. -Hello.

-Do sit down. -Thank you.

-Take the weight off the feet? -Yes, yes, yes.

Lovely weather for the time of year?

Enough of this gay banter.

Now, Mr Anchovy, you asked us to advise you what was the best job in life, as your profession.

-That is correct. -Right.

Now, I have the results here of the interviews, the aptitude test that you did last week and I think we've managed to build up a pretty clear picture of the sort of person you are.

I think I can say without fear of contradiction that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.

But I am a chartered accountant.

Good for you.

Well, back to the office, then. Well done.

No, you don't understand.

I've been a chartered accountant for 20 years.

I want a new job.

Something exciting that will let me live.

Accountancy is quite exciting, isn't it?

Exciting? No, it's not.

It's dull, dull, dull.

My God, it's dull.

It's deadly dull, and tedious and boring and stuffy and desperately dull.

Ah, yes, Mr Anchovy, but you see, your report here says that you are an extremely dull fellow.

Our experts describe you as appallingly dull, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful.

And whereas, in other professions, these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they're a positive boon.

But I came here to find a new job, a new life, a new meaning to my existence.

Can't you help me?

Well, do you have any idea what you want to do?

-Yes, I have. -Ah.

Lion taming.

Lion taming?

Yes, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?

You know, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go, you don't think it might be better to work your way towards lion taming?

Say, via insurance or something like that?

-Oh, no, no. -No?

I don't want to wait. Nine o'clock tomorrow,

I want to be in there, taming.

(STUTTERS) Yes, but do you have any qualifications?

I've got a hat.

-A hat? -Yeah, a hat.

A lion tamer's hat.

A hat with "Lion Tamer" written on it.

I bought it at Harrods.

-Ah, I see. -Yeah, yeah.

It lights up at night saying, "Lion Tamer" in big red neon letters, so you can tame them after dark,

-when they're less stroppy. -Yes, yes.

And during the day you can turn it off and claim reasonable wear and tear as allowable professional expenses

-under paragraph 335 B... -Mr Anchovy, if I now ring up Bertram Mills and say,

"Look, I've got a 45-year-old chartered accountant here who wants to become a lion tamer," their first question is not going to be,

"Does he have his own hat?"

You see, they're more likely to ask about your experience with lions.

(SNICKERS) Well, I've seen them at the zoo.

Yes, well, that's a start.

Yes, small brown furry creature, with short stumpy legs and great long curved noses.

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

I could tame one of those.

They look pretty tame to start with.

Now these, these lions of yours, how tall are they?

Well...

Well, about so high. They don't frighten me.

And do they, by any chance, eat ants?

Got it.

Well, I think what you've got there, Mr Anchovy,

-is an anteater, not a lion. -What?

You see, a lion is a huge savage brute, about five feet tall, ten feet long, weighing about 500 pounds.

They run 40 miles an hour and they have huge, very sharp pointed teeth, and nasty, vicious, razor-sharp claws that could rip your belly open before you could say, "Jack Robinson," and they look like this.

(ROARING)

(GASPS) Oh!

Oh, shit.

(SHUDDERS)

Um...

Actually, I quite like your idea perhaps, of making the transition to lion taming via easier stages.

-You know, maybe via insurance. -Or banking.

-Banking. -Banking.

Banking. There's a man's life.

Banking, travel, excitement, adventure, decisions affecting people's lives.

So, shall I call the bank?

-Eh... Yeah. -Yes?

No, no, no. No, look...

Just give me a couple of weeks to think about it, because it's a big, it is a big decision.

-Maybe, I'll just... -Yes, yes, yes.

-Or maybe three weeks. -Give it a month.

-A month. Yeah. -Give it a month.

-Well... -Um...

Can I tell you something?

Yes?

I never really wanted to be a lion tamer.

I wanted to be...

A systems analyst.

Systems...

And then I got this postcard from my aunt in Canada and it looked wonderful.

I realized the one thing I wanted was to be a lumberjack.

Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia.

The giant redwood.

The larch.

The mighty Scots pine.

With my best girl by my side, we'd sing, sing, sing.

♪ Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay ♪

♪ I sleep all night and I work all day ♪

♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪

♪ He sleeps all night and he works all day ♪

♪ I cut down trees, I eat my lunch ♪

♪ I go to the lavatory ♪

♪ On Wednesdays I go shopping ♪

♪ And have buttered scones for tea ♪

♪ He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch ♪

♪ He goes to the lavatory ♪

♪ On Wednesdays he goes shopping ♪

♪ And has buttered scones for tea ♪

♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪

♪ He sleeps all night and he works all day ♪

♪ I cut down trees, I skip and jump ♪

♪ I like to press wild flowers ♪

♪ I put on women's clothing ♪

♪ And hang around in bars ♪

♪ He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps ♪

♪ He likes to press wild flowers ♪

♪ He puts on women's clothing ♪

♪ And hangs around in bars? ♪

♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪

♪ He sleeps all night and he works all day ♪

♪ I cut down trees, I wear high heels ♪

♪ Suspendies and a bra ♪

♪ I wish I'd been a girlie ♪

♪ Just like my dear Papa ♪

♪ He cuts down trees, he wears high heels ♪

♪ Suspendies and a bra? ♪

-Disgusting. -(ALL GROANING)

(WHIMPERING)

(SOBBING) Oh, Bevis!

And I thought you were so butch.

♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪

♪ He sleeps all night and he works all day ♪

♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪

♪ He sleeps all night and he works all day ♪

(ORCHESTRA CONTINUES)

WOMAN: Ooh!

(CHUCKLES)

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

(SQUEALS)

Oh, yes.

(SCREAMS)

Charles Atlas, with his world's most perfectly developed body.

Tired of being pushed around?

Would you like to do some pushing around instead?

Would you like a body

that can't fail to attract women?

To be the envy of other men?

I must get one of those.

Just give me your skinny, scrawny, little body

for just 15 minutes a day.

I've heard that one before, ducky.

Let me slap 50 pounds of He-Man muscles on you.

Thick Herculean arms,

a deep massive chest,

atomic powered legs,

shoulders a yard wide

and right in the privacy of your own home.

What's my secret?

It's dynamo tension.

Muscles pulling against muscles, the natural way.

Here's living proof.

And there's no need to stop there.

So, don't delay.

Send today for my gigantic, free,

78-page muscle building course.

(KNOCKING)

MAN: Postman.

And start building a body you can be proud of.

Yes.

(LAUGHS)

Huh?

Yes.

ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon and welcome

to a packed Olympic Stadium in Munich

for the second leg of this exciting final

of International Philosophy.

And over to your commentator, Juan Stoppa.

JUAN STOPPA: And here come the Germans now,

led by their skipper, "Nobby" Hegel.

They must surely start favourites this afternoon.

They've certainly attracted the most attention from the press

with their team problems.

And let's now see their line-up.

The Germans playing, Four-Two-Four. Leibniz in goal.

Back four, Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and Schelling.

Front runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein,

Nietzsche and Heidegger,

and the midfield duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers.

Beckenbauer, obviously, a bit of a surprise there.

And here come the Greeks,

led out by their veteran centre half, Heraclitus.

Let's look at their team. As you'd expect,

it's a much more defensive line up.

Plato's in goal. Socrates a front runner there,

and Aristotle as sweeper.

Aristotle very much the man in form.

One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.

Well, here comes the referee, Kung Fu Tsu Confucius

and his two linesmen, St Augustine

and St Thomas Aquinas.

And as the two skippers come together to shake hands

we're ready for the start of this very exciting final.

The referee, Mr Confucius, checks his sand...

-(WHISTLE BLOWS) -And... they're off.

Nietzsche and Hegel there.

Karl Jaspers number seven on the outside.

Wittgenstein there with him.

There's Beckenbauer.

Schelling's in there. Heidegger covering.

Schopenhauer.

And now it's the Greeks. Epicurus, Plotinus number six.

Aristotle.

Empedocles of Acragas, and Democritus with him.

There's Archimedes.

Socrates, there he is, Socrates.

Socrates there, going through.

There's the ball. There's the ball.

And Nietzsche there. Nietzsche...

Number 10 in this German side.

Kant moving up on the outside.

Schlegel's on the left.

The Germans moving very well in these opening moments.

Well, there you are.

And we'll be returning to the match

sometime in the second half,

but right now it's time for...

MAN: Philosophy.

Hello there. How you doing?

How are you? How you doing?

ALL: G'day, Bruce.

G'day, ladies and Bruce's.

It's very nice to be here in the Oz arena.

O2, mate. It's a two.

I'm sorry, mate. Thank you very much.

-So patriotic. -Sorry.

We're all philosophy professors from the University of Woolamaloo, Australia.

ALL: Australia, Australia, Australia.

We love you.

I teach Hegelian philosophy.

Bruce here teaches Aristotelian philosophy.

And Bruce here teaches classical philosophy and all of these other Bruce's are in charge of the sheep dip.

ALL: Sheep, sheep, sheep, we love you.

This is the wattle, the emblem of our land.

You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

-Amen. -Amen, amen.

Bloody thirsty work this, Bruce, I think I'll get...

Why don't you have a chilly then, mate.

In fact, they look a bit thirsty.

They look like they could use a drink.

Throw them a drink out there, mate.

-Throw them some of... -Are you thirsty?

-Good old Australian beer. -Who's going to...

Throw them out, yeah.

Chuck them, mate. Chuck them. Good, there.

Now the reason we do this, ladies and Bruce's, is we find over here, your English beer is a little like making love in a canoe.

How's that at?

It's fucking close to water.

I love it!

Oh.

-Good evening. -Good evening, dickhead.

-How are you, Punk Bruce? -I'm good.

Now Punk Bruce here has brought on Guest Bruce, who tonight has agreed to dress like a prat for charity.

All right.

So what's your name, Bruce?

My name is Roger.

-Roger? -Roger McGough.

You're fucking Eddie Izzard, aren't you?

I fuck him on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

(ALL CHEERING)

Yeah, he's in disguise tonight.

And what's your charity, Bruce?

My charity, Bruce, I'm raising money, or I've been giving money to the Monty Python Retirement Fund.

-Yeah. -Excellent. Right... Thank you.

And so for...

'Roo Bruce, leave him alone.

You randy little kanga.

-It's all right. -Sorry about that, Bruce.

Have you got another monologue or...

No, no, I'll just say I've paid 40 million

Australian dollars to do this, so...

-Okay, very nice indeed. -Check's in the post.

Thank you, Bruce.

Right, I'm sorry about our marsupials, they shag worse than a bloody carpet,

-some of them. -(BRUCE LAUGHS)

Anyway, let's try and raise the chain a little by singing a little intellectual song.

-Are you ready? -Good idea, Bruce.

♪ Immanuel Kant was a real pissant ♪

♪ Who was very rarely stable ♪

♪ Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar ♪

♪ Who could think you under the table ♪

♪ David Hume could out-consume ♪

♪ Schopenhauer and Hegel ♪

♪ And Wittgenstein was a beery swine ♪

♪ Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel ♪

Hang on a second, Bruce's, hang on.

I think this lot are in a bit of a playful mood, this crowd here.

-Yeah, I think they're... -BRUCE: Yeah.

ALL: Yeah.

-Pissed as parrots half of them. -Yeah.

And I bet some of them have been smoking their home-grown

English little wacky weed.

Yeah, they might as well smoke daffodils, mate.

Might as well, mate.

How do you tell an English batsman?

They're the ones in the pavilion.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Did you hear about the pommy bastard that took Viagra instead of his sleeping pill?

No, what happened?

He ended up having 40 wanks!

(ALL LAUGHING)

-I love Aussie humour. -Right.

Well, why don't you guys give us a bit of a hand and we'll sing along to this one, right?

Feel like that?

All right, I'll...

I've got the words here. They're in my pocket.

I just find it's always a bit tight down there. Ooh!

Whoa, that's not it.

-Don't pull that out, Bruce. -Here we are.

Here we are. Got them all written out in my own fair hand.

-So I'll make it easy for you. -All right, so here we go.

All right?

♪ Immanuel Kant was a real pissant ♪

♪ Who was very rarely stable ♪

♪ Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could... ♪

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

It's not working, Bruce.

I think it's my handwriting, Bruce.

I bet it is.

They're a typical O2 audience, Bruce.

They don't know whether to titter or twitter.

(SCOFFS)

-Left my mobile on vibrate. -Oh, dear.

That's funny, Bruce.

My Sheila has a vibrator which she can switch on to phone.

(LAUGHS)

Think about it. Thank you very much.

Doesn't know if she's coming or going.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Disgusting.

-Let's raise the tone. -Now, have we got anything.

Punk Bruce, can you give us a hand?

I can give her a hand here.

Oh, oi, oi!

Stop that, Bruce. You, oi!

Straight off. Off.

-Oh, go on, fuck off. -Get off her, mate.

Bugger off to Barcelona and bite Luis Suarez.

Now, Punk Bruce, have you got anything to help us put the words up for these poor people?

-How's that, Bruce? -Oh, yeah.

BRUCE 1: Now you can see that. BRUCE 2: Very nice.

Very good. All right.

Now we've got no excuse, all right?

It's almost the intermission, so here we go.

♪ Immanuel Kant was a real pissant ♪

♪ Who was very rarely stable ♪

♪ Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar ♪

♪ Who could think you under the table ♪

♪ David Hume could out-consume ♪

♪ Schopenhauer and Hegel ♪

♪ And Wittgenstein was a beery swine ♪

♪ Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel ♪

♪ There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya ♪

♪ About the raising of the wrist ♪

♪ Socrates himself was permanently pissed ♪

♪ John Stuart Mill of his own free will ♪

♪ On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill ♪

♪ Plato they say could stick it away ♪

♪ Half a pint of whisky ♪ every day ♪

♪ Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle ♪

♪ Hobbes was fond of his dram ♪

♪ And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart ♪

♪ I drink therefore I am ♪

♪ Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed ♪

♪ A lovely little thinker But a bugger when he's pissed ♪

-Yay! -(WHOOPING)

Thank you. You're brilliant.

You're brilliant.

Well, right now we're going back to the Olympic Stadium

for the closing minutes of the Philosophy final

and I understand that there's still no score.

ANNOUNCER: Well, there may be no score,

but there's certainly no lack of excitement here.

As you can see Nietzsche has just been booked

for arguing with the referee.

He accused Confucius of having no free will

and Confucius he say, "Name go in book."

And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games.

(WHISTLE)

And who's that? It's Karl Marx. Karl Marx is warming up.

It looks as though there's going to be a substitution

on the German side.

Obviously, manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack,

as indeed he must, with only two minutes of the match to go.

And the big question is, who is he going to replace?

Who's going to come off? It could be Jaspers,

Hegel or Schopenhauer,

but it's Wittgenstein.

Wittgenstein who saw his Auntie only last week.

And here's Marx. Let's see if he can put some life

into this German attack.

Evidently not.

Honestly.

Well now, with just over a minute left

a replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital,

and there's Archimedes, and I think he's had an idea.

Eureka!

COMMENTATOR: Archimedes out to Socrates. Socrates back to Archimedes.

Archimedes out to Heraclitus, he beats Hegel.

Heraclitus has a little flick.

Here he comes, on the far post.

-Socrates is there. Socrates heads it in! -(CROWD CHEERING)

Socrates has scored,

the Greeks are going mad.

The Greeks are going mad, Socrates scores.

Got a beautiful cross from Archimedes,

the Germans are disputing it.

Hegel is arguing that the reality

is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics.

Kant, via the categorical imperative,

is holding that ontologically,

it exists only in the imagination,

and Marx is claiming it was offside.

But Confucius has answered them with the final whistle.

It's all over.

Germany, having trounced England's famous midfield trio

of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes in the semi-final,

have been beaten by the odd goal.

And let's see it again.

There it is. Socrates.

Socrates heads it and Leibniz doesn't have a chance.

And just look at those delighted Greeks.

There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles.

Empedocles of Acragas. What a game he had.

And Epicurus is there, and Socrates,

the captain, who scored what was probably the most

important goal of his career.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-Mr Hilton. -Yes.

You are sole owner and proprietor of the Whizzo Chocolate company?

I am.

Constable Parrot and I are from the Scotland Yard Hygiene Squad.

Oh, yes?

Want to have a word with you about this box of chocolates you manufacture called the Whizzo Quality Assortment.

Ah, good, yes.

If I could begin at the beginning.

Number one is cherry fondue.

Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.

Agreed.

Next, we have crunchy frog.

Ah, yes?

Well, am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?

-Yes, a little one. -(STAMMERS)

Is it cooked?

-No. -What? A raw frog?

We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Swaziland.

Cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed and sealed in a treble milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.

That's as maybe, it's still a frog.

Well, what else would it be?

Well, don't you even take the bones out?

If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

Constable Parrot ate one of those.

Would you excuse me a moment, sir?

-Not right at the moment... -(FARTING)

(CONTINUES FARTING)

Why didn't you say why you wanted to be excused?

-Hmm? -(GROANS)

Uh, it says, "crunchy frog" quite clearly.

Well, people won't expect there to be a frog in here.

They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog.

Mock frog?

We use no artificial additives or preservatives of any kind.

In future though, you will replace the description "crunchy frog" with the words "crunchy, raw, unboned, uncooked, real, dead frog," if you want to avoid prosecution.

What about our sales?

Fuck your sales, we have to protect the general public.

Now what's this one?

Number five, ram's bladder cup.

We use choice juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder.

Emptied, steamed and flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue and garnished with mouse poo.

-Mouse poo?! -(GAGGING)

It doesn't say anything about mouse poo on the box.

Uh, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.

Well, this is hardly good enough.

In future, you must put on this box a large red sticker with the words,

"Warning, contains mouse poo."

Our sales would plummet.

Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary, like lime cream or strawberry delight?

I mean, look at this lot. Um...

Anthrax ripple.

Cockroach cluster.

Flip...

Uh...

Take the box.

-Take the box. -No.

Take it.

And what's this one? Spring Surprise.

Ah, that's our specialty.

Covered in darkest rich smooth chocolate.

When you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and punch straight through both cheeks.

Well, where's the pleasure in that?

(SOBBING)

Pull yourself together, Constable.

Sorry, Sir.

Or you'll be a Constable Ex-Parrot.

Where are we? Can you remember?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Uh...

Oh, yes!

As you were saying,

"Punch straight through both cheeks."

Well, where's the pleasure in that?

That's me speaking now.

Where's the pleasure in that, when people pop a choccy in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks lacerated.

In any case, this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat.

I must ask you to accompany me to Scotland Yard.

Uh, it's a fair cop.

And don't talk to the audience.

Why not?

It's contrary to Section 28 of the Sketch Comedy Act.

Oh, right.

Hello and welcome to another edition of

Blood Devastation Death, War and Horror.

Later in the program we'll be talking to a man who does gardening.

But my first guest tonight is a man who speaks entirely in anagrams.

Tahts sey crreoct.

Do you enjoy it?

Sey, sey, I stom certainly od.

Yeah, and what's your name?

Uh, Hamrag, Hamrag Yattlerot.

Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show.

Uh, where do you hail from?

Bumcreland.

Uh, Cumberland?

Staht it sepricely. (CHUCKLES)

Lovely part of the world.

And I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare.

Sey, sey, tahtsi crreoct.

Ta the nimute I'm rowking on 'The Mating of The Wersh.'

By William Shakespeare?

Nay, by Malliwi Rakessheape.

(CHUCKLES)

Of course, and what else?

Uh, Twelfth Thing,

The Chamrent of Venice,

Two Nnetlemeg of Verona.

Ah, have you, have you done Hamlet?

-Thamle. -Huh?

"Beot, or bot neot.

Tath is the nestiquo."

And what is your latest project?

Ring Kichard the Thrid.

I'm sorry?

"A shroe, a shroe!

-"My dingkom for a shroe." -Oh!

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Of course, Ring Kichard, yes, yes.

But surely that's not an anagram.

That's a spoonerism.

If you're going to split hairs I'm going to piss off.

(GUITAR STRUMMING)

The world today seems absolutely crackers.

With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.

There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.

It's depressing and it's senseless and that's why...

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ They copy everything they sees ♪

♪ Ah, but they're up on the moon ♪

♪ So, they'll do as they please ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ They're still a little Communise ♪

♪ But Americans don't need to fret ♪

♪ For China has bought all their debt ♪

♪ I like Chinese food ♪

♪ The waiters never are rude ♪

♪ Think of the many things They've done to impress ♪

♪ There's Maoism, Taoism ♪

♪ I Ching and chess ♪

♪ So, I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like their tiny little trees ♪

-CHORUS: That's Japanese. -Oh, yes.

♪ Their Zen, their ping pong ♪

♪ Their yin and yang-ese ♪

♪ I like Chinese thoughts ♪

♪ The wisdom that Confucius taught ♪

♪ If Darwin is anything to shout about ♪

♪ The Chinese will survive us all ♪

♪ Without any doubt ♪

♪ So, I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like their teas and their tai chi's ♪

♪ Their calligraphy, as you can see ♪

♪ They all dance with ease ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ Their food is guaranteed to please ♪

♪ A 14, a seven ♪

♪ A nine and lychees ♪

Altogether now.

(AUDIENCE SINGING ALONG)

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

♪ I like Chinese ♪

Oh, yeah.

Thank you very much, O2.

(GRUNTS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

-(ALL EXCLAIMING) -It's the intermission.

-It's the intermission. -Ooh!

I like the intermission.

(EXCLAIMS) Ooh!

-It's the best bit. I like it. -Shopping!

I always look forward to the intermission.

I can go to the toilet. I so want to go to the toilet.

Oh, Is there only one.

Yes, one for 16,000.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Sit on my face and tell me that you love me ♪

♪ I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too ♪

♪ I love to hear you oralize ♪

♪ When I'm between your thighs ♪

♪ You blow me away ♪

♪ Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you ♪

♪ I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly ♪

♪ Life can be fine if we both 69 ♪

♪ If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places ♪

♪ And play till we're blown away ♪

♪ Sit on my face and tell me that you love me ♪

♪ I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too ♪

♪ I love to hear you oralise ♪

♪ When I'm between your thighs ♪

♪ You blow me away ♪

♪ Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you ♪

♪ I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly ♪

♪ Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine ♪

♪ If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places ♪

♪ And play till we're blown away ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: And that concludes tonight's broadcast

of Spam Lake,

part of a new series of ballet for the radio.

And now we present the first episode

of a new radio drama series

The Death of Mary Queen of Scots,

Part I, The Beginning.

MAN: You are Mary Queen of Scots?

-WOMAN: I am. -(CLANKING)

(MARY SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

-WOMAN: Oh, no! -(PUNCHING)

(CLATTERING)

Oh, dear!

(SCREAMING)

Oh!

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Episode two of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots

can be heard on Radio 4 almost immediately.

-(SCREAMING CONTINUES) -(CLATTERING)

(GUNSHOTS)

MARY: (SHRIEKING) Oh!

MAN ON RADIO: I think she's dead.

MARY: No, I'm not.

-(SCREAMING) -(PUNCHING)

(CLATTERING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: That was episode two

of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots,

adapted for radio

by sticking a large nail through it.

And now, Radio 4 will explode.

Oh!

We'll have to watch the telly then.

Yes, we will.

What's on the television?

Looks like a penguin.

No, I didn't mean what's on the television set,

I meant what program?

Oh... Oh.

-Sort of funny, that penguin being there, isn't it? -Mmm.

What's it doing?

Standing.

I can see that!

If it lays an egg, it'll fall down the back of the television set.

We'll have to watch that.

Unless it's male.

Oh, I never thought of that.

It looks fairly butch.

Perhaps it's from next door.

Penguins don't come from next door.

They come from the Antarctic.

Burma!

Why did you say Burma?

-Oh, I panicked. -Oh!

Perhaps it's from the zoo.

Which zoo?

How would I know which bloody zoo?

I'm not David bloody Attenborough!

How does David bloody Attenborough know which zoo it came from?

He knows everything.

Oh.

I wouldn't like that.

It would take all the mystery out of life.

Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it would have "Property of the zoo" stamped on it.

No, it wouldn't.

They don't stamp animals "Property of the zoo."

You can't stamp a huge Siberian tiger,

"Property of the zoo."

They stamp them when they're small.

What happens when they molt?

Siberian tigers don't molt.

No, but penguins do!

There, I've run rings around you, logically. (LAUGHS)

Oh.

Intercourse the penguin.

Well, it's just gone 8:00 o'clock

and time for the penguin on top of your television set

to explode.

How did he know that was gonna happen?

It was an inspired guess. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, he knows everything, that Michael Palin.

Yes, and he's been everywhere too.

-You ever watch any of those travel? Travel... -(YAWNS)

(YAWNING)

If you're going to be rude about me,

I'm going to switch you off.

And now, it's time for Home Beautiful

with Professor D.P. Gumby

to give you some hints on the often-forgotten art

of flower arranging.

-(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) -(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(APPLAUSE)

Good evening!

AUDIENCE: Good evening!

Tonight, flower arranging.

First, take a bunch of flowers.

Mmm!

Pretty begonias.

Irises.

Freesias.

Chrysanthemum...

Mmm...

Mmm...

Mums, mums.

Then, arrange them nicely in a vase.

Get in, get in, get in!

Oh, get in there.

Oh, get in, get in, come on little flowers.

Oh, no.

No! No! My brain hurts!

MAN: Case adjourned.

Oh, I had a bitch of a morning in the High Court.

-Oh, me too, love. -(GROANS)

I could stamp me little feet, the way those QCs carry on.

Oh, don't I know it, love?

-Objection here, objection there. -(CHUCKLES)

And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well.

Beautiful speaking voice.

-And what a body. -Yes.

Well, at the end all I could do was bang my gavel.

You what, love?

-I did me "Silence in court" bit. -Oh.

Oh, yes.

If looks could have killed, that prosecuting counsel

-would have been in for 40 years. -(LAUGHS) Oh.

How did your summing up go?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Um...

I did it in me butch voice, you know,

"What the jury must understand," and they loved it

I bet they did.

I can see little foreman of the jury eyeing me.

-Really? -Oh, yes, cheeky devil.

-Made me want to turn Queen's evidence. (CHUCKLES) -Ooh!

I know what they mean by a well-hung jury.

-Anyway, I finished up really serious. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

"The actions of these vicious men are a violent stain upon the community and the full penalty of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes," and I waggled me wig.

You waggled your what?

-I waggled me wig. Oh! -Oh!

-Ever so slightly. -Hmm.

-Stunning effect. -I bet it was.

Anyway, (SNIFFLES) I gave him three years.

Only took ten minutes. (CLEARS THROAT)

Tell me, did you handle the Cleese divorce?

(AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS)

Which one?

He's had four wives.

Really?

Is he a Muslim?

No.

It's just the way he walks.

Oh.

Tell me, what do you usually give for sex in a public toilet?

(SIGHS) About ten quid.

-Oh! -Yeah.

-All in? -Mmm.

Now, ladies and gents, here it is,

the show you've been waiting for,

the show you've heard so much about.

This is the show that gives you what you want

the way you like it,

-so move right up front for Full Frontal Nudity -(SCATTERED CLAPPING)

MAN: Stop the crap. Get on with the show

Oh, yes. Ooh!

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yes. Oh...

Oh...

Kevin, that's my seat.

MAN: What? Will you sit down?

-Get out of the way. -Uh, excuse me.

MAN: (CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's better. Mmm.

Yes.

Oh-oh! (CHUCKLES)

-Look at them. What? -(BELL CLANGING)

Get your choc ice cream, sweeties.

MAN: (GRUNTS) I'm not hungry.

Hmm. That's better.

-Oh, yes, here we go, here we go. -(BEEPS)

MAN ON PA: Will the owner of a Ford Cortina,

registration OYR 312...

MAN: Shut up.

MAN ON PA: Please remove his vehicle?

MAN: Oh, and we're back.

-Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. -(TRAIN HOOTING)

-Ooh, yeah. -(CARS HONKING)

(HONKING)

Oh, God, I'll have to come back tomorrow.

Albatross!

(CHEERING)

Albatross!

Albatross!

Uh, two choc ices, please.

I haven't got any choc ices, I've just got this albatross.

Albatross!

Uh, what flavour is it?

(STAMMERS) What? Well...

It's a bloody sea bird, it's an albatross.

It's not any bloody flavour.

-Oh. -Albatross!

Everything's got a flavour.

All right, it's bloody sea bird flavour, it's bloody albatross bloody flavour.

Albatross!

Do you get wafers with it?

Course you don't get fucking wafers with it!

It's an albatross!

You're disgusting.

You're not even a proper woman.

Don't you oppress me, mate.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Racist!

-Racist! -Whoa-whoa!

Racist!

Stormy petrel on a stick.

-Oh. -Gannet in a basket.

(APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Evening, squire.

Eh, good evening.

Is your wife a goer, eh?

Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge, nudge, know what I mean, say no more?

I beg your pardon?

Your wife, does she go, eh?

Does she, does she go, eh?

Well, she sometimes has to go, yes.

I bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, know what I mean, nudge, nudge.

Eh, I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Ooh! Follow me, follow me, that's very good, very good.

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.

Are you selling something?

Selling!

Very good, you're wicked, you are.

You are a wicked one, aren't you, eh, yeah?

You know what I mean? Say no more, wicked, eh?

Say no more.

What?

Is your wife interested in sport, eh?

Well, eh... She likes sport, yes.

I bet she does, I bet she does.

As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket.

Oh! Likes games, eh? She likes games.

I knew she would, I knew she would.

She's been around a bit, eh?

Been around, been around, eh?

Well, she has travelled. She's from Purley.

Whoa!

Purley? Say no more, say no more, say no more, say no more!

Well?

Is your wife interested in photography?

Photography?

"Photographs, eh?", he asked him knowingly.

Photography?

Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

Oh, holiday snaps?

They could be, they could be taken on holiday, you know?

Swimming costumes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Dressing up.

(BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

Candid photography, if you know what I mean, you know?

Behind the scenes bit.

No, we don't have a camera.

Oh, still... Whoa, eh?

Whoa, eh? Whoa, eh? Whoa...

Look, are you insinuating something?

Oh, no! No! No!

Yes.

Well?

Well, I mean, you're a man of the world, squire, you know, you've been around a bit, you know, been around.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, like, you know, you've... You've done it.

You've slept with a lady.

Yes.

What's it like?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL: ♪ Blackmail! ♪

♪ Blackmail! ♪

ERIC IDLE: Evening, squire. Is your wife a goer, eh?

Know what I mean, know what I mean,

nudge, nudge, say no more.

Does she, eh, does she go? Oh, I bet she does.

♪ Oh, eh? Nudge, eh? Oh, eh? ♪

♪ Wink, wink, eh? ♪

♪ A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat ♪

♪ Say no more! ♪

♪ Nudge, nudge, wink, wink Nudge, nudge, wink, wink ♪

ALL: ♪ Blackmail! ♪

♪ Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Nudge, nudge, wink, wink ♪

ALL: ♪ Blackmail! ♪

IDLE: ♪ Whoa, eh? Whoa, eh? ♪

♪ Whoa, eh? ♪

♪ Is your girlfriend interested in photography, eh? ♪

♪ Whoa, eh? ♪

♪ "Photographs, eh", he asked him knowingly ♪

♪ Candid, you know, candid photography, eh? ♪

♪ Say no more! ♪

♪ Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink, ♪

♪ Nudge, nudge, grin, grin, that's better! ♪

♪ Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Nudge, nudge, wink, wink ♪

ALL: ♪ Blackmail! ♪

♪ Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Nudge, nudge, wink, wink ♪

ALL: ♪ Blackmail! ♪

IDLE: ♪ Whoa, eh? Whoa, eh? ♪

♪ Whoa, eh? ♪

ALL: ♪ Blackmail! ♪

♪ Blackmail! ♪

MICHAEL PALIN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Blackmail.

Live from the Tower Backroom, Blackpool.

Please, welcome your host for tonight,

here's Nobby.

♪ Blackmail ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Hello and welcome to Blackmail, the show people can't wait to be off.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And first we go north to Preston in Lancashire and Mrs Betty Teal.

Now, Mrs Teal, this is for £500, and it's to stop us revealing

-the name of your lover in Bolton. -Whoa!

So, Mrs Teal, £500 by tomorrow, please, and your husband Trevor and your lovely children Diane, Janice and little Juliette, who's having a difficult time in school at the moment, need never know the name of your lover in Bolton.

-(ORGAN PLAYING) -Whoa ho!

What a hunk. Now, a politician, a freemason, an ex-guardsman and a prominent supporter of the English folk dance movement.

Well, he's been getting into a bit of a dance of his own.

On last week's program, he had the chance to pay up and hush it up, but he thought he knew better.

Well, we've got news for him.

He thinks he's at a crack addict's conference in Broadstairs.

In fact, he's here backstage at our Blackmail studios.

Bring him on!

Hey! Sir Norman Barry Castle.

Welcome to Blackmail.

Well, you elected not to pay up, so here you are now in front of our studio audience of 15,000, our global audience of fifty million, paying the price of our right to know everything about you.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Well, your career's in ruins, but the good thing is that your wife is gonna stand by you and she's here in the studio tonight.

Is she with us? Can we see her there?

-Oh, lovely, thank you. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Thank you for coming along.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -(KISSES)

Behind every strong man, there's a stronger woman.

You bastard.

Well, that's what they all say but he should have...

-kept it in his pants. -ALL: Kept it in his pants.

Well, thank you, Sir Norman.

-Now it's telephone time, so bring on the golden phone. -(ORGAN PLAYING)

Last week, we showed you this photograph of three middle-aged car enthusiasts and asked them to send in £30,000 to stop us revealing the name of the two girls from the garage, the make of car in which they did it and the type of engine oil they used

-for lubrication. Well... (CHUCKLING) -(CHEERING)

We've heard nothing from them, so it's time to...

-fill in the puzzle! -ALL: Fill in the puzzle!

Let's see more.

Okay, boys, you're on Blackmail and it's now £40,000 each.

Well, they're either very brave or very rich.

Let's see which it is.

£400,000 now, unless we hear from James or Richard or...

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, hello. Ah, hello, Jeremy, yeah, how are you?

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm sure you didn't, no, no, no.

We don't morally censure, we just want the money.

If your check's in the mail, you won't be in The Daily Mail.

Thanks for playing Blackmail.

Thanks. (CHUCKLING) You too, Jezza.

Lovely man.

-Deeply flawed. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And, now, what is it time for now, Veronica?

I'm A Celebrity Or Am I?

I'm A Celebrity Or Am I?

Your chance to play the game where we bring on a mystery contestant and you have to tell us whether you think he's a celebrity or a mere non-entity, so here he comes...

Celebrity or non-entity?

Let's start the clock.

(CLOCK TICKING)

The famous legs, are those Simon Cowell's legs?

Are these legs you recognize?

Looks pretty ordinary to me.

Could just be an ordinary guy off the street.

-Could be a celebrity. -ALL: Five, four, three, two, one.

Off with the bag. Oh, my God!

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -Oh, wow!

Oh...

International Man of Mystery himself.

This is a great moment, but Mike, Mike...

-Yes. -We're both Mike so I can Mike...

-Yes. -I can Mike with you.

-You're on Blackmail... -Yes.

What's gone wrong?

You mean, what's gone right?

-Oh, did I? -I'm on stage with you, sir.

Oh, well, we want you to confess, you know?

Because Blackmail, we know you've been in trouble, so if there's anything you wanna share with the audience, now's your time.

I wanna share how incredibly honoured I am to be on stage with Monty Python, the greatest comedy troupe in the history

-of the English language. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Okay.

And...

And...

There may be photographs of me with German Shepherds.

Ah! Wow, yeah.

He's too nice a guy.

Thank you for coming on the show, Mike.

Oh, that's it? Okay.

Thank you and thank you all, girls, from Blackmail.

-See you next week! Okay! -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(BLACKMAIL TRACK PLAYING)

Good evening and welcome to another edition of Science Today, where we look at science today, and today we have with us Anne Elk,

Mrs Anne Elk.

-Miss. -(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

-Miss Anne Elk. -Miss. Yes.

Sorry.

Miss Elk, you have a new theory about the brontosaurus.

Can I just say at this point, Chris, that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?

Mmm-hmm.

Exactly.

-What is it? -Where?

-Your new theory? -Oh, oh, what is my theory?

-Yes. -Oh, what is my theory that it is.

Well, Chris, you may well ask me what is my theory.

-I am asking what is your theory. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well done, Chris.

-Thank you. -Spot on.

My word, yes. Well, Chris, eh, what is it, that it is, this theory of mine?

Well, this is what it is.

My theory, which belongs to me and which I own, is mine.

Yes, I know it's yours, but what is it?

-Where? -Your theory.

-Oh, what is my theory? -Yes.

Ah... This is it. (CLEARING THROAT)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

Here is my theory and what it is, too.

(CLEARING THROAT AND COUGHING)

(PROLONGED COUGHING)

"My theory, by Anne Elk, (COUGHING) brackets, Miss, brackets..." (CLEARING THROAT)

(PROLONGED COUGHING)

The next thing that I will say will be my theory. (COUGHING)

Here it comes. (CLEARING THROAT)

You ready, Chris?

Yes.

My theory begins now. (COUGHING)

All brontosauruses are thin at one end and then much thicker in the middle and then thin at the far end again.

-That is my theory and what it is, -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-and it belongs to me too and it's mine. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(MOUTHING)

-That's it, is it? -Spot on, Chris.

Well, this theory of yours certainly seems to have hit the nail on the head.

Thank you, Chris, thank you.

-Next week sees the opening... -Thank you very much.

-Of a new wasp... -Thank you.

And thank you for asking me to the studio.

You're very welcome.

-Next week sees the opening of a... -(CLEARING THROAT)

-of a new wasp farm near Redditch... -(COUGHING)

-That is going to... -(COUGHING)

Next week sees the opening...

I have another theory.

Really?

Called, "My Second Theory" or "Miss Anne Elk, bracket, Miss, second theory, number two." (CLEARING THROAT)

-Would you like to hear it? (CLEARING THROAT) -Yes, all right.

(PROLONGED COUGHING)

(BREATHING IN DEEPLY)

(EXHALING)

My second theory states that dentists can make your teeth dance.

-Really? -Look.

Yes, mothers, it's time once again

for Conrad Poohs and his dancing teeth.

(FARTING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Trouble at mill.

Oh, no. What sort of trouble?

One of crossbeam's gone out of skew on treadle.

Pardon?

One of crossbeam's gone out of skew on treadle.

I don't understand what you're saying.

One of the crossbeams has gone out of askew on the treadle.

Well, what on earth does that mean?

Well, I don't know.

Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say there was trouble at mill, that's all.

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear. Fear as well.

Our two weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless...

Our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to...

Four, our four...

The... I'll come in again.

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) -Ha!

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope and nice red uniforms.

No, I can't do this, I can't say this.

-You'll have to say it. -What?

The bit about our chief weapons. Ah!

I couldn't do that.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Nobody, um...

Expects.

Nobody expects the Spanish...

-Inquisition. -I know, I know.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

-In fact, those... -Our chief weapons are...

-Our chief weapons are, uh... -Surprise.

-Surprise and... -Stop there, stop there. Good.

Surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency, fanatical devotion to the Pope.

-Cardinal Fang... -Yes, love?

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

Read the charges.

(SIGHING)

Eh, fourteen ducats for a complete massage on...

No, no, no, the charges against her.

Oh... (CHUCKLING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

You have hereby been charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church by word, thought and deed.

With full relief, 22 ducats...

Yeah, no, that's enough, that's enough. So... Oh-ho...

How do you plead?

Innocent.

(LAUGHING SINISTERLY)

-Innocent! -Very well.

Cardinal Biggles...

Fetch the rack.

-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) -(LAUGHING SINISTERLY)

Eh, tie her to the rack. (GROANS)

(LAUGHING SINISTERLY)

So...

How do you plead?

-Innocent. -(LAUGHING SINISTERLY)

Cardinal, give the rack a turn.

-I, uh... -I know, I know you can't,

I didn't want to say anything,

I just wanted to ignore your crass mistake.

-I, uh... -It makes it all seem so stupid.

Shall I, uh...

Just pretend, pretend for God's sake.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, old woman, you are accused of heresy on three counts.

Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed and heresy by action.

Four, four, four counts.

Do you... confess?

I don't understand what I'm accused of.

(LAUGHING SINISTERLY)

Then we shall make you understand.

Cardinal, take her to the comfy chair.

-(LAUGHING SINISTERLY) -(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

So you think you can survive the rack.

You will not survive the comfy chair.

So, old woman, you have one last chance.

Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly...

Two, two last chances, and you shall be... Three, three last chances.

Confess.

-Confess. Confess. -Confess. Confess.

-Confess. Confess. -Confess. Confess.

I confess! (SOBBING)

No, not you.

Oh...

I have one last weapon in my armoury.

If you do not talk...

I will show you... the fridge.

Oh! Not the fridge!

Cardinal, go to the fridge and get her... a large glass of... cold milk.

(LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS)

♪ Whenever life gets you down, Mrs Brown... ♪

♪ And things seem hard or tough ♪

♪ And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft ♪

♪ And you feel that you've had quite enough ♪

♪ Just remember that you're standing ♪

♪ On a planet that's evolving ♪

♪ And revolving at 900 miles an hour ♪

♪ That's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned ♪

♪ The sun that is the source of all our power ♪

♪ The sun and you and me ♪

♪ And all the stars that we can see ♪

♪ Are moving at a million miles a day ♪

♪ In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour ♪

♪ Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way ♪

♪ Our galaxy itself contains 500 billion stars ♪

♪ It's a hundred thousand light years side to side ♪

♪ It bulges in the middle ♪

♪ Six thousand light years thick ♪

♪ But out by us it's just a thousand light years wide ♪

♪ We're 40,000 light years from Galactic Central Point ♪

♪ We go round every 200 million years ♪

♪ And our galaxy is only one of millions and billions ♪

♪ In this amazing and expanding universe ♪

♪ The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding ♪

♪ In all of the directions it can whizz ♪

♪ As fast as it can go at the speed of light you know ♪

♪ 12 million miles a minute ♪

♪ And that's the fastest speed there is ♪

♪ So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure ♪

♪ How amazingly unlikely is your birth ♪

♪ And pray that there's intelligent life ♪

♪ Somewhere out in space ♪

♪ 'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Now there are many reasons why

I find that song scientifically inaccurate.

It's pathetic really.

The statement that the sun is the source of all our power.

Well, take geothermal energy.

That comes from the heat of the earth's core.

That's generated, at least in part,

by the radioactive decay of uranium.

Uranium was formed in supernova explosions.

Then the statement that the earth orbits

at 19 miles a second.

Well, that'd be okay

if the earth's orbit was circular,

but in fact it's elliptical,

so it's better to say that the earth sweeps out

equal areas in equal times.

Kepler knew that back in 1609.

Then the statement that space time expands

at the speed of light.

Well, there was a period of expansion,

exponential expansion between 10 to the minus 36

and 10 to the minus 32 seconds

after the Big Bang called inflation, in which... (SCREAMING)

STEPHEN HAWKING: I think you are being pedantic.

♪ Just remember that you're standing ♪

♪ On a planet that's evolving ♪

♪ And revolving at 900 miles an hour ♪

♪ That's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned ♪

♪ The sun that is the source of all our power ♪

♪ The sun and you and me ♪

♪ And all the stars that we can see ♪

♪ Are moving at a million miles a day ♪

♪ In an outer spiral arm at 400,000 miles an hour ♪

♪ In a galaxy we call the Milky Way ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(SHRIEKING)

(ALARM RINGING)

♪ Work, work, money, money Work, work, money, money ♪

♪ Work, work, funny money Funny money, work, work ♪

♪ Work, work, hurry, hurry Work, work, worry, worry ♪

♪ Work, work, hurry, hurry Worry hurry, work, work ♪

♪ Morning, morning, morning ♪

♪ Morning, Jill Morning, Jack ♪

♪ Can't complain keep coming back ♪

♪ Morning, morning, morning ♪

♪ Morning Jim Morning, Fred ♪

♪ Work all day until you're dead ♪

♪ Money is the root of evil ♪

♪ Money is the fruit of sin ♪

♪ Money is the root of everything ♪

♪ Wear a suit, they'll let you in ♪

♪ Morning, morning, morning ♪

♪ What's the point and what's the use ♪

♪ Work until you reproduce ♪

♪ Boring, boring, boring ♪

♪ Work all day, earn your bread ♪

♪ Till you finally drop down dead ♪

♪ Money is the root of evil ♪

♪ Money is the fruit of sin ♪

♪ Money, money, money can drive you mad ♪

♪ End up in the loony bin ♪

♪ Work, work, money, money Work, work, money, money ♪

♪ Work, work, funny money Funny money, work, work ♪

♪ Work, work, hurry, hurry Work, work, worry, worry ♪

♪ Work, work, hurry, hurry Worry hurry, work, work ♪

♪ Money is the root of evil ♪

♪ Money is the fruit of sin ♪

♪ Money is the root of everything ♪

♪ Pay up or we'll do you in ♪

♪ Work hard every single day ♪

♪ Work, work, work your life away ♪

♪ Don't question what, Don't question why ♪

♪ Just keep working till you die ♪

♪ Money is the root of evil ♪

♪ Money is the fruit of sin ♪

♪ Money is the root of everything ♪

♪ The Grim Reaper's coming in ♪

♪ Life is a silly walk in the park ♪

♪ A knife in your throat held after dark ♪

♪ Life is a terrible joke, a lark ♪

♪ A spoken word then it all goes dark ♪

♪ Money is the root of evil ♪

♪ Money is the root of sin ♪

♪ Funny money loot will make you rich ♪

♪ Life's a bitch and you can't win ♪

♪ Money is the root of evil ♪

♪ Never, never question why ♪

♪ Money is the fruit of evil ♪

♪ Work all day until you die ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(MAN CLEARS THROAT)

-Oh! -(CHUCKLES) Hello.

Good afternoon, sir. Have you come for an argument?

Um...

Or would you like a blow job?

Pardon?

Ah, you've come for an argument.

-(CHUCKLES) -What was the other option?

-Oh, nothing... Nothing. -Oh.

-It's just a special offer. -Oh.

So have you been here before?

No, this is my first time.

-(CLEARS THROAT) -I see. Well would you like to have just one argument?

Or were you thinking of taking a course?

Well, what is the cost?

It's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

Well, I think I'll take the five minutes and see how it goes from there.

-Fine. Let's see. -(CHUCKLES)

Uh, yes, try Mr Barnard.

Thank you. Thank you.

Such nice people.

-What do you want? -Well I... I...

And don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings.

Shut your festering gob, you tit.

Your type makes me puke.

You vacuous, stuffy, malodorous, old pervert.

Look, I came here for an argument.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is abuse.

Oh.

Oh, you want next door.

Oh, I see. Thank you.

Not at all.

Stupid dick!

Hello. Is this the right room for an argument?

I've told you once...

-No, you haven't. -Yes, I have.

-When? -Just now.

-No, you didn't. You didn't. -Yes, I did.

-Yes, I did. Yes, I did. -You didn't. You didn't.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this the five-minute argument or the full half-hour?

-Oh, just the five minutes. (CLEARS THROAT) -Just the five minutes.

Thank you very much. Anyway I did.

You most certainly did not.

Now, let's get one thing absolutely clear.

I most definitely told you.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

-No, you didn't. -Yes, I did.

No, you didn't. Look, this isn't an argument.

-Yes, it is. -No, it isn't.

-Just contradiction. -No, it isn't.

You contradicted me just then. You did...

I did not.

Never. No, no, no, no, no. (SCOFFS)

This is futile.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

I came here for a good argument.

No, you didn't.

You came here for an argument.

But an argument isn't just contradiction.

-Yes, it is. -No, it isn't.

An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

Look, if I argue with you,

I must take up a contrary position.

Yes, but that's not just saying,

-"No, it isn't." -Yes, it is.

-No, it isn't. -Yes, it is.

-No, it isn't, no, it isn't. -Yes, yes, yes, yes, it is.

-No, it isn't, no, it isn't. -Yes, yes, yes, yes, it is.

Argument is an intellectual process.

Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

-It is not. -It is.

-Not at all. -Now, look, I...

-(BELL DINGS) -Thank you, good morning.

What? What?

That's it. The five minutes is up.

That was never five minutes just now.

-I'm afraid it was. -No, it wasn't.

I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

-But that was never five minutes just now. -(WHISTLES)

Oh, this is ridiculous. There you are.

-Ah, thank you very much. Very good. -(CLEARS THROAT)

Well?

What?

That was never five minutes just now.

I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

-I just paid. -No, you didn't.

-I did. I did. I did. I did. -You did not. You did not.

-I did. I did. I did. I did. -You did not. You did not.

Look, I don't want to argue about that.

Well, I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.

A-ha!

If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Ha-ha! Got you.

-No, you haven't. -Yes, I have.

If you're arguing I must have paid.

Not necessarily.

I could be arguing in my spare time.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I've got two legs, From my hips to the ground ♪

♪ And when I move them They walk around ♪

♪ And when I lift 'em They climb the stairs ♪

♪ And whoo! When I shave 'em They ain't got hairs! ♪

♪ I've got two legs with my feet... ♪

Oh, God! (GROANS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(BELL CHIMING)

-Good morning. -Morning.

What have you got then?

Well, there's egg and Spam, egg, bacon and Spam. Egg, bacon, sausage and Spam.

Spam, bacon, sausage and Spam.

Spam egg. Spam, Spam, bacon and Spam.

Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans,

Spam, Spam, and Spam.

Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top, and Spam.

Have you got anything without Spam in it?

Well, there's Spam, egg, sausage and Spam.

That's not got much Spam in it.

I don't want any Spam.

Why can't she have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage?

That's got Spam in it.

Yeah, but not as much as Spam, egg, bacon, Spam and sausage.

Look. Can I just have egg, bacon,

Spam and sausage, without the Spam?

Ugh!

What do you mean..."ugh"?

You can't have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage without the Spam.

Why not?

Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, would it?

I don't like Spam.

Oh, don't make a fuss, dear.

I'll have your Spam, I love it.

I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,

Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam and Spam.

-Baked beans are off. -(GROANS) Oh.

Well can I have Spam instead?

You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...

(CHORUS SINGING) ♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! ♪

♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

-TERRY JONES: Shut up! -(METAL CLANKING)

♪ Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! ♪

Shut up!

♪ Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! ♪

Shut up!

♪ Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! ♪

Shut up!

Bloody Vikings!

Racist bastard.

(ALL SINGING) ♪ Finland, Finland, Finland ♪

♪ The country where I quite want to be ♪

♪ Pony trekking or camping ♪

♪ Or just watching TV ♪

♪ Finland, Finland, Finland ♪

♪ That's the country for me ♪

♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

♪ Oh, Spam ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! ♪

♪ Oh, lovely Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! ♪

♪ Lovely spam! Wonderful spam... ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! ♪

♪ Lovely Spam! ♪

♪ Spam! Spam! Spam! ♪

I wish to register a complaint.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hello, miss.

What do you mean, "miss"?

Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. (INHALES)

I wish to make a complaint...

Sorry, we're closed for lunch.

Never mind that... I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue?

What's wrong with it?

I tell you what's wrong with it.

It's dead! That's what's wrong with it.

No, no. He's resting.

Look, my lad,

I know a dead parrot when I see one.

And I'm looking at one right now.

No, no, he's resting.

Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it?

Beautiful plumage.

The plumage don't enter into it.

He's stone dead.

No, no.

He's resting.

All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up.

Hello, Mr Polly Parrot, I've got a lovely fresh...

There, he moved.

No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage.

I never.

Hello, Polly!

This is your 9:00 o'clock alarm call.

Wakey! Wakey!

Pfft!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Where were we?

You say... "And now that's what I call a dead parrot."

Now that's what I call a dead parrot!

(APPLAUSE)

No, no.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-"No, no" I say. It's stunned! -(CHUCKLES)

Stunned?

Yeah, stunned!

You stunned it just as it was waking up,

Norwegian Blues stun easily.

Listen, my lad, I've...

(SNORTS)

I've had enough of this.

That parrot is definitely deceased.

And when I purchased it, not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, he's probably pining for the fjords.

Pining for the fjords?

What kind of talk is that?

Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?

The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on his back.

Remarkable bird, isn't it? Beautiful plumage.

Look, matey, I took the liberty of examining that bird when I got it home and I discovered the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

Well, of course, it were nailed there!

If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have muscled up to those bars, ripped them apart with its immensely strong beak...

And "voom."

-"Voom?" -"Voom."

Matey, this parrot wouldn't "voom" if you put 40,000 volts through it.

It's bleeding demised!

No.

No, no, he's...

He's pining...

-He's not pining! -(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

He's passed on.

This parrot is no more.

He has ceased to be.

He has expired and gone to meet Dr Chapman.

-This... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

This is a late parrot... It's a stiff, bereft of life.

It rests in peace.

If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies.

It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.

It has breathed its last.

Its metabolic processes are a matter of interest only to Victorians.

-He has... -(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

He has kicked the bucket.

This is an ex-parrot.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-Well I'd better replace it, then. -(EXHALING)

I was listening to the wireless this morning...

Very interesting, apparently, the editor of the Daily Mail, Mr Paul Dacre has just received an arsehole transplant.

-Ah... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yeah.

(HOOTING)

I heard that...

I heard that too.

-The arsehole rejected him, I hear. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Really? -Yeah.

I've been round the back, I've had a look...

We're right out of parrots.

I see, I see, I get the picture...

But...

I have got a selection of cheeses.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Amazingly enough.

A selection of cheeses?

-Yeah. -Really?

What you have got?

You name it, I've got it.

Brie?

-No. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Camembert? -No.

-Bresse bleu? -No.

Stilton?

No.

-Lancashire cheese? -No.

-Red Leicester? -No.

-Double Gloucester? -No.

Stinking Bishop?

-Don't you call me names. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's the name of a well-known West Country cheese, you should know that,

-you run a pet shop. -Oh.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Caerphilly?

No.

You don't have any Caerphilly?

No.

-Wensleydale? -Yeah.

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, I'll have a pound of Wensleydale cheese, please.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking to me. (LAUGHING)

That's my name, Arthur Wensleydale. (LAUGHING)

-Gruyere? -No.

-Emmental? -No.

-Jarlsberg? -No.

Armenian String Cheese with cumin seeds?

-Not much call for it round here, squire. -(LAUGHING)

Zimbabwean rhinoceros milk cheese?

Cat's eaten it.

-Tell you what. -What?

You haven't asked me about Cheddar.

-Cheddar? -Yeah, Cheddar.

You know...

Is it worth it?

-Could be. -All right, I'm game.

Do you have...

Honestly expecting the answer "No," any Cheddar?

No.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Do you want to come back to my place?

-I thought he'd never ask. -Oh.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

(EXPLOSION)

(EXPLOSION)

(EXPLOSION)

(EXPLOSION)

(EXPLOSION)

(EXPLOSION)

(EXPLOSION)

(EXPLOSION)

(EXPLOSION)

(EXPLOSION)

(HOOTING)

Oh, isn't he a lovely little...

(GNAWING AND CHOMPING)

Oh, isn't he a lovely little...

(GNAWING AND CHOMPING)

(BURPING)

Oh, isn't he a lovely little...

Wait a minute, buckaroos, this has gone far enough.

-No, no, no. -(CHOMPING)

Get it away. Get it away.

Get it away.

(TRUMPETS PLAYING)

(FLUTE PLAYING)

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

it's truly a real honourable experience

to be here this evening.

A very wonderful and warm

and emotional moment for all of us,

and I'd like to sing a song for all of you.

(APPLAUDING)

♪ It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ All the children sing ♪

♪ It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ Hark, hark, those church bells ring ♪

♪ It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ The snow falls from the sky ♪

♪ But it's nice and warm, and everyone ♪

♪ Looks smart and wears a tie ♪

♪ It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ Hip hip hip hip hip hooray ♪

♪ Every single day ♪

♪ Is Christmas day ♪

♪ It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ So welcome everyone ♪

♪ Every day is just the same ♪

♪ There's tons and tons of fun ♪

♪ It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ You've won life's lottery ♪

♪ For heaven's just like Vegas ♪

♪ And it's absolutely free ♪

♪ It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ Hip hip hip hip hip hooray ♪

♪ Every single day ♪

♪ Is Christmas day ♪

♪ It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ Hip hip hip hip hip hooray ♪

♪ Every single day ♪

♪ Is Christmas day ♪

Round number two!

♪ It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ Hip hip hip hip hip hooray ♪

-♪ Every single day ♪ -(HOOTING)

♪ Is Christmas day ♪

♪ It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven ♪

♪ Hip hip hip hip hip hooray ♪

♪ Every single day ♪

♪ Is Christmas day ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING BOISTEROUSLY)

(CHEERING CONTINUES ENERGETICALLY)

Ladies and gentlemen, eh, tonight this show is going live all around the world,

-amazingly enough. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Including North America, South America,

Europe, Africa, the Middle East, Asia and Australia.

On TV and film, so wherever you're watching, would you please all join us, all the way around the world, in saying farewell to us by singing this little ditty.

(GUITAR PLAYING)

♪ Some things in life are bad ♪

♪ They can really Make you mad ♪

♪ Other things just make you swear and curse ♪

♪ When you're chewing on life's gristle ♪

♪ Don't grumble ♪

-♪ Give a whistle ♪ -(FLUTE PLAYING)

♪ And this'll help things turn out for the best... ♪

♪ And... ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

Come on!

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ If life seems jolly rotten ♪

♪ There's something you've forgotten ♪

♪ And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing ♪

♪ When you're feeling in the dumps ♪

♪ Don't be silly chumps ♪

♪ Just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing ♪

♪ And always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ For life is quite absurd ♪

♪ And death's the final word ♪

♪ You must always face the curtain with a bow ♪

♪ Forget about your sin Give the audience a grin ♪

♪ Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow ♪

♪ So always look on The bright side of death ♪

♪ Just before you draw your terminal breath ♪

♪ Life's a piece of shit When you look at it ♪

♪ Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true ♪

♪ You'll see it's all a show Keep 'em laughing as you go ♪

♪ Just remember that the last laugh is on you ♪

♪ And... Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

Key change, here we go!

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

Yeah!

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING BOISTEROUSLY)

Carol! Hey!

Thank you!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

(THEME PLAYING)