Home > Standup Specials

New in Town (2012)

♪ New in town ♪

♪ John Mulaney's new in town ♪

♪ He's spilling mustard On his shirt ♪

♪ And he's got some papers To deliver ♪

♪ But oh, no ♪

♪ He's successful ♪

♪ And he's got so many Crazy friends ♪

♪ Oh, new in town ♪

♪ John Mulaney's new in town ♪

[narrator] New in town is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

Hi!

Hi!

Hello!

Hi!

[laughing] How are you?

Thank you. That's very nice of you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. That's so nice of you.

I hope you're having a good week.

Thank you for being here.

I am doing well myself.

In a couple days, I'm gonna turn 29 years old

And I'm very excited about that.

I was hoping by now that I would look older

But it didn't happen.

I don't look older, I just look worse, I think.

Honestly, when I'm walking down the street,

No one's ever like, "Hey! Look at that man."

I think they're just like

"Whoa! That tall child looks terrible."

Get some rest, tall child.

You can't keep burning the candle at both ends.

You ever seen on America's Most Wanted when they age a photo of someone?

Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth

And put bags under the eyes and be like,

"This is what he would look like now."

I was a very nervous kid.

I was anxious all the time when I was younger.

But what's nice is that some of the things I was anxious about don't bother me at all anymore.

Like, uh, I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life...

Behind real sticks of dynamite

And giant anvils falling on you from the sky.

I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand.

I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life.

I was never like, "Oh, what's it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?"

Now I've gotten older.

Not only have I never stepped in quicksand,

I've never even heard about it.

No one's ever been like, "hey, if you're coming to visit, take I-90 'cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle.

Looks like regular sand, but then you're gonna start to sink into it."

I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family.

I have wonderful parents.

A lot of guys my age,

I'll hear them say this-- they go,

"Every day I think I'm becoming more like my dad."

I think I'm becoming more like my mom because I was watching that show Access Hollywood and one of the reporters said,

"Up next, we have an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock's former husband Jesse James."

And out loud, I went "Ugh, this oughta be good!"

That's pure mom.

My parents are both lawyers. They are both lawyers.

And sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids.

I remember one time I was in bed and my dad came in and he said, "Good night, John.

Did you brush your teeth?"

And I said "Yes." But here's the thing.

I hadn't. But who cares?

I didn't have like a job interview or anything.

So my dad comes back in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush.

He says, "John, is this your toothbrush?

And I said, "Yes."

And he said, "So we agree that this is your toothbrush."

Then he said, "John, this toothbrush is bone dry."

Like, he looked down and he said, "Bone dry."

He said, "you lied to me." I said, "dad, I did not lie.

"I said that I brushed my teeth.

I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight.

And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself."

My mom's also a lawyer.

She was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids.

My mom was more like Nancy Grace.

She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick.

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news.

That is true.

I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed.

And she said, "I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover

Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris"

Like I had something to do with it.

I was like, "Mom, I have been here all night.

You can feel the TV. It's warm."

Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Wisconsin and 12.

My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was in love with her.

I was in love with Veronica.

She would babysit us on Saturday nights.

And in my head, when I was a little kid,

I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old.

I was just talking to my mom the other week.

I found out that when I was 10, Veronica was 13.

So why was she in charge?

All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could.

Thirteen when I'm 10?

That's just like hiring a slightly bigger child.

That would be like if you're going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog.

Like, "All right, here is the number where we'll be, and here's where we keep the dog food.

And you're a horse.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh."

Why do people do that? People always shush animals.

They go, "hey, shh, shh, shh."

They've never spoken.

I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid.

I'm so excited that I get to live in New York.

I saw New York city in a movie when I was a kid.

It was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

It is a sequel. Yeah, how about that movie?

It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone.

I remember in that movie-- oh, the kid in Home Alone 2.

He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought,

"This is the height of luxury!"

Now I live in New York and I'm psyched, but that is a stupid movie title.

Lost in New York? The streets are numbered.

How'd you get lost in New York?

I know it's kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago.

But I wasn't a comedian back then.

So I have to do it now. I wish I'd been.

I wish I'd been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out.

I would have torn it to pieces.

Be like, "You seen this shit?

You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit?

It's a grid system, motherfucker.

Where you at? 24th and 5th?

Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th?

11 up and 1 over, you simple bitch!"

That'd be my big joke. That'd be the closer.

If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out.

But alas, I was not.

I think the bullying that young people have to go through now in schools is really rough.

I really sympathize, 'cause I was bullied when I was a kid.

When I was in grade school,

I was bullied for being Asian-American.

And the biggest problem with that... is that I am not Asian-American.

But when I was younger, and this is absolutely true,

People thought that I might be Asian-American.

I have pretty thin eyes.

I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid

And I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut.

And from the ages of three to eight, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.

On the first day that he met me,

The guy that is now my best friend--

He met me the first day of kindergarten--

He went home that night and said,

"Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes."

And that was me.

Kids would make fun of me in middle school.

Kids would call me a "China man."

Which, of the racial slurs, has got to be the laziest.

That is just pushing two words together.

No work was done there.

It was very confusing to me 'cause I'm not Chinese.

No one in my family is remotely Asian.

I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside,

But that was more of a carpeting thing than anything else.

Here's how bad it got though.

I remember when I was in junior high,

We had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated.

And they took us to hear some classical music once

At a symphony orchestra.

So we go to a symphony orchestra.

In one of these classical pieces,

There's a moment where they bang a gong.

And every time they banged the gong,

All the kids sitting in front of me would stand up turn to me and bow like that.

Which is some racist-ass bullshit...

But also incredibly well coordinated... for a group of 13-year-olds.

Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world.

They terrify me to this day.

If I'm on the street on like a Friday at 3:00 p.m.

And I see a group of eighth graders on one side of the street,

I will cross to the other side of the street.

Because eighth graders will make fun of you

But in an accurate way.

They will get to the thing that you don't like about you.

They don't even need to look at you for long.

They'll just be like "ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Hey, look at that high-waisted man.

He got feminine hips."

And I'm like "No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about!"

When I was a boy, I was also confused

With a woman sometimes over the phone.

Because before I went through puberty,

I had a voice like a little flute.

I was once on the telephone with blockbuster video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.

And--it is.

I was on the telephone with blockbuster video.

That's like when your gram would be like,

"We'd all go play jacks down at the soda fountain."

And you're like, "No one knows what you're talking about,

You idiot."

You know how you talk to your grandma?

So...

I was on the phone with blockbuster.

I'd called them a couple of times in one day

To ask about a movie.

And I called for a third time.

I said, "Hey, yeah. I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet."

And the guy at blockbuster went, "Hey, lady...

I'll tell you when we get Addams Family Values."

But look, I wasn't offended as a boy being confused with a lady.

I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist asshole that works at blockbuster video,

Talking to me like I'm some floozy.

I am a proud Asian-American woman

And you will treat me with respect.

I am a tiger mom.

Now when people make fun of me,

I deserve it.

Uh, I do.

When people get mad at me now, it's my fault.

When people get mad at me on the highway, that's all my bad.

I'm a terrible driver. I know nothing about cars.

I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot.

Nothing that I know can help you with your car ever.

Unless you're like, "Hey, I've got a flat tire.

Does anyone here know a lot about the Cosby Show?"

And then I could be like, "Oh, perhaps I could be of some assistance."

I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you're ever on the highway behind me, uh, I hear you honking and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.

I don't like that I'm in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it.

I was on the highway in Texas recently which was like a highway filled with 13-year-olds.

And I was in the far left lane.

And I was going in the far left lane and then it turned into a U-turn only lane.

And I started to make a u-turn, but then I panicked

'cause I didn't wanna make a U-turn.

So I put the car in reverse and then merged right back onto the highway.

The best thing about that was that, after that, cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog who's texting while driving and drinking a smoothie.

Instead, they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying this best.

It's wrong to make fun of people, you know,

But it's so fun sometimes.

I've written for some TV shows, and, you know, on a major TV show, you have to be careful about what you say about people

'cause a lot of people get offended, or so it has been explained to me.

I was once-- I'll tell you this.

I was writing for an awards show once, and I got into some trouble.

I wrote a joke for this awards show

That had the word "midget" in it.

And someone from the network came down to our offices

And he said to me,

"Hey, you can't put the word 'midget' on TV."

And I said, "I sure would like to."

And he said, "No, 'midget' is as bad as the 'N' word."

First off, no.

No, it's not.

"Do you know how I know it's not," I said to him,

"Is because we're saying the word 'midget' and we're not even saying what the 'N' word is.

"If you're comparing the badness of two words, and you won't even say one of them...

That's the worse word."

Also, I don't mean to gloss over what, like, little people have been through in this country, but you cannot compare the plight of midgets to African-Americans.

That is outrageous.

Midgets were never enslaved,

Unless you count the wonka factory.

So we get into this argument, we're going back and forth. he goes, "You can't put that word on TV."

And I said, "I want to."

And he goes, "If you put that word on TV, there could be a protest of midgets on this building."

And I said, "Promise?"

How tempting would that be?

I don't mean to complain about censorship at all though, because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television.

It's ridiculous.

You can say anything you want.

And if you don't believe me,

You should watch a little program called

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

Yeah.

A show that I love.

Because on that show, you can say the grossest things you've ever heard in your life.

No, you can't say like the "F" word.

You can't say that on Special Victims Unit.

But people walk around on SVU going like,

"Looks like the victim had anal contusions.

"Yo, looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim's ear canal."

Those are two real things that I heard

On Law & Order: SVU at 3:00 in the afternoon, both spoken by Ice-T.

Ice-T is a detective with the Special Victims Unit.

He handles New York's most sensitive cases.

I love Ice-T on SVU. He is fantastic.

He's awesome.

What's so great about him is that he's been with the SVU for like, mm, 11 years now.

But he still treats every case like it's his first in terms of total confusion.

Sometimes they'll be in the middle of an investigation and Ice-T will be like, "Yo, you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?"

It's like, "Yeah, Ice.

He's a pedophile.

You work in the sex crimes division.

You're gonna have to get used to that."

You know how they try and tie in, like, current events to every episode of SVU?

So there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction.

'Cause a lot of celebrities have come out as sex addicts.

So the episode's about sex addiction.

There is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach Ice-T what sex addiction is, and it takes a couple of minutes.

And finally, Ice-T gets it.

And they cut to him in this close-up

And he goes, "Oh, I get it.

You mean like when someone drinks too much...

Or snorts cocaine... Or bets the house on the ponies?"

I was like, "Yeah, you got it, man," and I was psyched that Ice-T understood so that they could continue with the investigation.

But I could've watched another four hours of Ice-T just naming examples.

Just that close-up and Ice-T like,

"Or like when someone smokes too many cigarettes?

Or like when someone shops too much with credit cards?

Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries?

Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake?

Or like when eats too much chocolate cake

And then barfs it up?"

And he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out

And say, "executive producer Dick Wolf."

That'd be my ideal episode. That'd be a good one.

I saw this SVU a little while ago.

I saw this episode of SVU,

And Dean Cain was a rapist-- on the show.

And there was a scene where they do a lineup with Dean Cain and four other guys.

And they bring in this woman who's gonna look at the lineup and it's her behind the glass and they open the curtain and she's standing with the two other detectives.

And I knew she wasn't gonna say this, but part of me was hoping she would just be like...

"Is that Dean Cain?

"Fucking Dean Cain?

That's pretty cool."

I also watch the show called Cold Case Files.

On Cold Case Files, they solve old murders and it's really interesting.

'Cause what I learn from it is that it was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA.

It was ridiculously easy.

Like, what was even going on back then?

What was a murder investigation like in 1935?

One cop would just walk in and be like, "Detective,

We found a pool of that killer's blood in that hallway."

And he would just be like, "Hmm, gross.

Mop it up.

"Now then, back to my hunch.

Hmm...

Look for clues.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll draw chalk around where the body is.

That way, we'll know where it was."

A couple years ago, I saw this movie called Public Enemies with Johnny Depp.

It was about old bank robbers and stuff.

Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery

Back in the '30s.

As long as you weren't still there when the police arrived,

You had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

To the point that, like, those old bank robbers,

They take credit for the bank robberies.

Like, they come running out of there and they're like, "Ha, ha, ha!

"And if anyone asks, you tell 'em it was Golden Joe and the Suggins gang!"

And then they like shoot "suggins" into the side of the wall.

It's like, what? Were bullets free back then?

And they don't even disguise themselves.

They dress up for the bank robbery.

They're rolling in there in, like, big suits and hats like they're going to Church in Atlanta.

They make a day of it.

I don't know about that.

Oh, ho ho.

Oh, good, it has a mind of its own.

That's very reassuring.

No, no, no, no.

I don't like robots... Thinking of things.

Hope you don't mind that I dressed up.

It was my first communion today,

So I decided to come right from it.

I was a very good first communicant.

Thank you for coming to this show by the way.

I really do appreciate you coming to a thing, because you didn't have to, and it's really easy not to go to things.

It is so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable.

Percentage-wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them.

And so much fun not to do them!

Especially when you are supposed to do them.

In terms of like instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

It is an amazing feeling.

Such instant joy.

Kids don't like that. Kids always wanna do stuff.

Kids get angry.

They go, "Aw, we didn't do anything all day."

You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn't do anything, their faces light up.

Be like, "what'd you do this weekend?"

"I, um... I did nothing. I did nothing at all.

Did we do anything? No, I didn't do anything."

People especially don't wanna do their jobs.

I've found that out recently too.

I have a friend named Megan.

She's an elementary school teacher.

And I was out with her one night

And she was drinking like a monster.

And I said to her, "Don't you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?"

And she went, "Ahh, I'll just show a video."

And I was like, "That's why teachers show videos?"

She said this, she goes, "Yeah, I don't wanna work!"

And I was like, "You know, the kids don't wanna work either."

And she was like, "Good!"

I really do-- I was psyched to do it in New York.

I'm really happy to live here, and was glad that we could do it in New York city.

And I'm not sure how you all got here tonight, but I did wanna say this.

I've never been killed by hit men.

So I don't know what it's like in the moments just before you're killed by hit men.

But I bet it's not unlike when you're on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing.

Just that brief moment where you're reading and you're like, "Oh, a guitar player.

"Oh, another guitar player. Oh, an accordion player.

[slowly] Oh, nooo."

[mimicking mariachi music]

♪ This is the loudest thing In the world ♪

I was really excited a lot of people showed up.

They told me that it was a big theater and I thought that no one would come.

So, thank you for coming.

I wanted to like take ads out in the paper.

Like, be-- you know, do something to a tot so I get in the New York Post or something.

The New York Post is my favorite newspaper.

I think it's great. I read it every day.

I like reading the New York Post

Because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news and now they're trying to give you the gist.

It's like you'd get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street, and you were like, "What happened today?"

They're like "There's a perv in queens!"

You'd be like, "All right, thank you."

Or rather, it's like someone read a better newspaper and now they're trying to text you everything they can remember.

Doesn't have to be right.

Just has to be short.

I really do love the Post.

I read it a lot and there's a hierarchy in the New York Post.

Different people that they like and different people that they don't like.

And if you pay attention, you can start to identify some of the New York Post rankings that they have.

The number one thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel.

An angel is a child who has died.

That is the best thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post.

The less amount of time you live, the better...

In the eyes of the Post.

After that, under an angel is a hero.

A hero is any man who does his job.

You'll a lot of times see headlines that are like,

"Hero tutor teaches after school."

And you're like, "Yeah."

Down towards the bottom of the spectrum,

There are pervs.

Pervs touch tots.

Tots are angels who haven't died yet.

There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post.

You're either a tot or you're dead and you're an angel.

I did leave one out. Sorry.

Above perv is a bozo.

A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife.

That guy's a bozo.

I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife.

And it says, "Tiger says he's sorry, but Elin says 'Beat it, bozo.'"

No, she did not.

She is from another country.

And even if she was from this country,

No one has said "bozo" in 1,000 years.

Who was your source on that, New York Post?

Some tiny old lady that chain smokes all day long?

They met her in a parking garage and they were like, "Madge, give us the scoop.

What did Elin say to Tiger?"

"She told him to 'Beat it, bozo.'"

I'm feeling good tonight, though.

I got a massage recently.

Went to a spa to get a massage.

I went into the room to get the massage

And the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level.

Those were her words.

She said, "I'm gonna leave the room.

You undress to your comfort level."

So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants,

And I felt safe.

I'm trying to, in general, take better care of myself.

I'm trying to stop smoking.

I've smoked since I was 13 years old.

I started when I was 13 years old

'cause I stole two cigarettes from my older sister and I hid them in a shoe box under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine.

And one day, my mom cleaned under my bed, and she found the shoe box.

I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it and she said, "Hey, mister!

I found your treasure!"

And I never liked the way she phrased that, you know.

'Cause that made me sound like the world's lamest pirate.

Like, a guy whose treasure chest is two cigarettes and a woman's magazine.

And my dad came home from work, and my mom told my dad that she had cleaned under my bed and found a shoe box with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask,

"How does John know how to make a cosmopolitan?"

I'm trying to eat better.

I was out to lunch with a friend and I got a chicken sandwich.

And the waitress said to me,

"Oh, you're getting a chicken sandwich.

Well, that comes with a choice of either salad or fries."

Those were the choices-- salad or fries.

The two most different foods in the universe.

That's like saying what kinda day do you wanna have?

Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff?

Or do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?

"Oh, you're getting a chicken sandwich?

"Well, with that, you can either go for a jog or smoke crack cocaine."

"Oh, huh, well...

If I got a plate of crack for the table,

Would you have some?

You'd have crack if I got a plate of crack?

Yeah, okay. Yeah, we'll take an order of crack."

Sometimes when people order fries, they act like it's a little adventure.

They'll be like, "Should we get a plate of fries for the table?

Should we do it?

Should we share some fries?"

They gotta make sure that everyone's onboard with it.

It's like, "If I get fries, you'll have a couple, right?

If I get fries for the table, you'll have--

I know you'll have fries if I get fries.

Should we do it? Yeah, let's be bad.

Come on, let's do it. All right.

We're gonna take a plate of fries."

It's like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together.

I have a girlfriend now myself which is weird because I'm probably gay based on the way

I act and behave, and...

I've walked and talked for 28 years.

I think I was supposed to be gay.

I think like in heaven they built, like, 3/4 of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just sent me out and it was like,

"You marked that one gay, right?"

And it was like, "Oh, no! Was I supposed to?"

And they were like, "Oh, man.

This'll be a very interesting person.

This'll be a very silly person."

I was definitely gay when I was a little boy.

A lot of little boys are gay.

You know, they're very flowy and they have hard opinions on things.

I don't mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy, that's not what I mean.

When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man that's kinda over it, sexually, you know.

I was just like an old queen.

I would come out of the recess yard and be like,

"Everyone get outta my way.

I just wanna sit here and feed my birds."

The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball

And I'd be like, "You want me to do what?"

Real quick, this happened pretty recently.

I was in a restaurant near here in the west village, and I was at the urinal and an old gay man came in the bathroom with a walker like this.

And he said this to me.

He went, "I'm either having a drink or I have to pee.

You're living the golden years, kid, not me."

Like he spoke in rhymes. It was crazy.

It was such a weird interaction that I wasn't sure

If it actually happened.

I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend.

I was like, "Did you see like an old man follow me in the bathroom?"

And she was like, "John, that bathroom's been closed for 40 years.

Whooooa! Whooooa!"

Where was I? I'm not gay, but I might be.

And I have a girlfriend and she's a female person.

It's going very well. I love her very much.

And so a few months ago, she was like,

"Okay, it's going well, so now I should meet your parents."

Because that's what people do when a relationship is going well.

They meet each other's parents.

And I've never understood that.

I've never been with my girlfriend

And thought like, "Oh, honey, tonight is going great.

But do you know what would make it perfect?

Charles and Ellen Mulaney."

Come on!

Let's get them in the mix.

We've been going pretty hot and heavy lately,

I think it's time we bring in two older Catholic people.

My girlfriend's a female, and then I had all these friends

That are female.

So when I started dating her, I was like,

"Oh, great, they'll all get along."

No.

Not even a little at the beginning.

I don't wanna make any generalizations about women

'cause I don't know shit about women.

But this one thing I've noticed in my own personal experience is that

I think women can be friends with each other,

But I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other.

I think that sometimes doesn't work.

Like, I don't think--

Like, you could never put together a heist of women.

Does that make sense?

Like Ocean's Eleven with women wouldn't work.

'Cause two would keep breaking off to talk shit about the other nine.

Or not even talk shit, just say weird passive-aggressive things while they break into the casino.

Just be like, "Oh, I love how you just wear anything."

My girlfriend's wonderful, though.

I listen to everything my girlfriend says.

I don't mean she bosses me around.

I just listen to everything she says because, before I had a girlfriend,

I never had someone who's always standing next to me who can just point out obvious things that are happening.

Like, we'll be in a restaurant, and my girlfriend will be like,

"You ordered your food an hour ago.

It should be here by now."

And I'm like, "Yeah, it should!"

It's like having a lawyer for everyday life.

She'll be like, "the bus driver shouldn't talk to you that way."

And I'm like, "No, he shouldn't!"

Before I had a girlfriend,

I had no standard for how I should be treated as a human being.

You could do anything to me.

I was just like a young motown singer.

I was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick.

I was like, "Oh, man, you gonna give me a whole $100 for all of my songs?

Where do I sign, Mr. Berry Gordy?"

And now when I'm not with my girlfriend, you can still do anything to me.

I will tolerate any treatment.

Like, I travel alone sometimes, you know.

And I'll put up with anything.

Like, I'll book a ticket on some garbage airline.

You know, I don't wanna name an actual airline,

So let's just make one up.

Let's call it like Delta airlines.

So I'll book a ticket on Delta airlines.

And I'll show up at the airport.

And I go, "Can I get on the plane now, please?"

And they go, "No, it's delayed nine hours."

[spits]

And I go, "Okay." And then I go to the bathroom.

And then I come out of the bathroom,

And I go, "Any updates?" And they go, "Yeah.

We took off while you were in the bathroom...

Because we hate you.

Now take this meal voucher that doesn't work.

Go, fetch!"

And I go, "okay."

And I go over to the Wolfgang puck express

And I go, "Can I have a sandwich please?

And they go, "No!"

And I go, "Okay."

And they go, "You're a little fat girl, aren't you?"

And I go, "No." And they go, "Say it!"

And I go, "I'm a little fat girl."

And then I go over to the Delta help desk which is an oxymoron and I go,

"Can I please go home on an airplane?"

And they go, "No.

In fact, we're gonna frame you for murder.

And you're gonna go to jail for 30 years."

And I go, "Why are you doing this to me?"

And they go, [singsong] "Because we're delta airlines.

And life is a fucking nightmare."

But with my girlfriend she would just be like,

"Let's see if Southwest has any flights."

So it's better.

My girlfriend is a Jewish woman.

Which is-- I did on purpose.

Uh, that sounded creepy.

I don't mean like "Ah, I got one!"

I mean like I-- Uh, I am not Jewish.

But I've always really liked Jewish people.

I just like them a lot,

And I really like dating Jewish women.

They're great.

Because, like, I think a lot of problems that people have in relationships are with communication

'cause guys don't know what women are thinking.

And with Jewish women,

You do not have to guess what they are thinking.

They will tell you.

Yeah, this is gonna get playfully antisemitic, so just allow it to go there.

Allow-- I'll get in trouble. You won't.

I really do mean this, though.

I really admire that Jewish people, in my own personal experience,

Have-- are very, like, upfront with their feelings.

You know, they're very vocal about their thoughts and feelings.

And I think that's really admirable.

You know, I'm Irish.

And Irish people, they don't tell you a thing.

Irish people keep it so bottled up.

You know, like, the plan with Irish people is like,

I'll keep all my emotions right here.

And then one day, I'll die.

Like, in Ireland, it's like, "Ah, your boy has died."

And it's like, "All right, bury the boy.

"Do it, bury the boy.

Bury the boy."

Irish people don't want comfort.

Look at a sweater made in Ireland.

It's like a turtleneck made out of brillo pads.

I used to date gentile women and-- they--

I dated this girl.

She'd just stare out the window all day long.

And I'd be like, "What's wrong?"

She'd be like, "You wouldn't even understand if I told you."

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

My Jewish girlfriend, I don't have to guess what's wrong.

She comes in the room and she's like, "My stomach hurts!"

And then we can move on from there.

That's what I mean. She's very focused.

She's very in the moment, you know.

And that's a good thing in a significant other.

She's very present.

Jews don't daydream, 'cause folks are after 'em and they gotta stay sharp, you know what I mean?

They have to be there.

They haven't let their minds wander since Egypt.

They just stay sharp.

They go, "Who's that? Who are you?

What's that? Put that down.

What's that over there? Don't do that."

I'm Irish.

I keep things very bottled up, and I don't drink.

Which is not what you're supposed to do

When you're Irish.

I don't drink.

I used to drink and then I drank too much

And I had to stop.

That surprises a lot of audiences

Because I don't look like someone who used to do anything.

I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here.

But I did.

I used to drink a lot and then I stopped.

I don't know if anyone here is thinking about quitting drinking

But you need to know two things if you're thinking about quitting drinking.

The first is that when you stop drinking, and you still go to parties where people are drinking,

They will have no idea what to offer you.

Once people start drinking for the night, they forget everything that isn't alcohol.

Like, I'll show up at a party, and they'll be like,

"Hey, everybody. All right.

We got coronas in the fridge, and oh, hey, Mulaney.

Would you like, like, an old turnip that we found in a cabinet?

Would that be good for you? Would you like that?

I know you don't drink.

Or my girlfriend left a nuva ring in the fridge.

Would you want that? Would that be good for you?

I know you don't drink."

Also, if you quit drinking,

You're about to lose the best excuse

You've ever had in your life,

Which is, "I'm really sorry about last night.

I was just so drunk." that is a get out of jail free card

That you don't even realize you have until you lose it.

I can't say that anymore.

I can never be like, "I'm really sorry about last night.

I was just so drunk."

Now I have to be like,

"I'm really sorry about last night.

"It's just that I'm mean and loud.

It probably will happen again."

Now I, myself-- I quit drinking

'cause I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would "ruin" parties.

Or so I'm told.

When you do that enough--

When you black out drinking and you do crazy things,

You kinda become like Michael Jackson.

Like, any story anyone says about you might be true, and even you don't know by the end.

I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died and they were like,

"Is it true you bought the elephant man's bones?"

And he was like, "I don't know."

You know, 'cause how could he keep track of that?

So I would hear stories about myself.

Here's a story I once heard about me.

I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone's house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party

Holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said,

"Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?"

And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it,

And said, "It's perfume."

And it was.

Another story I heard about myself--

This one happened in high school.

We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school.

His name was Mr. McNamara and his son Jake McNamara

Went to our high school.

He was a sophomore when I was a senior.

So he was two years behind me.

And Mr. McNamara was an asshole.

And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do if you're an asshole.

And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher's house. Hooray!

And everyone around town heard about it and we all got up individually and thought,

"Okay, let's go over there and destroy the place."

I walked into this party.

Everyone I had ever met was there.

And everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world.

People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off.

It was totally unsupervised.

We were like dogs without horses.

We were running wild.

I walked down--

I walked down to the basement.

They had a pool table in the basement.

One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half.

Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara's

And went upstairs and took a shit on his computer.

So the party was going great.

I'm standing in the basement, and I'm holding a red cup you see in movies.

And I'm standing there and I'm holding a red cup and I'm starting to black out and I guess someone said like

"Something something police."

And in a brilliant moment of word association,

I yelled "fuck da police!

Fuck da police!"

And everyone else joined in.

A hundred drunk white children

Yelling "fuck...Da...Po-lice"

With the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren't afraid of it anymore.

You know that like "I served my nickel!

You come and take me" confidence.

But white children.

The reason someone had said, "Something something police" was because the police were there.

So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement

And looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers

Yelling, "Fuck the police" in his face.

And he was almost impressed.

He was like [whispering] "Wow."

And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie

And went, "Get the paddy wagon."

And my friend John, who is now a father--

This man now has a baby--

He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground,

And yelled "Scatter!"

And everyone ran in a different direction.

We all ran in different directions.

It was like that scene in Ratatouille when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways.

We all ran in different directions.

I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I'm running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought I've never climbed a fence that high before.

And then I woke up at home.

On Monday, I went to school.

Because that's what we did back then.

And I'm walking into the school building and who do I see but Jake McNamara.

And he says to me

"Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?"

And I said "No." You know, like a liar.

And he said, "Things got really outta hand.

Someone broke the pool table.

Someone took a shit on my dad's computer.

But the worst thing" he says--

"The worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it."

And I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have.

Did I do that?

I figured no, I wouldn't have done that.

But I was never sure, until two years later--

Relax.

I'm playing video games with this kid named Alex that we also went to high school with.

Two years later, we've graduated by now.

We're playing video games for a couple hours,

And then Alex says to me, "Hey, come here.

I wanna show you something."

And he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom.

Never a good thing to have.

He shows me a tiny room that is covered wall-to-wall in stolen antique photos from different people's parties over the years.

And I said, "Why?

Why do you do this?"

And Alex said,

"Because it's the one thing you can't replace."

That's the end of that story, but how fucked-up is that, right?

That's crazy.

So I don't drink anymore.

And it's weird, you know.

I miss it sometimes

'cause drinking can kind of calm your nerves.

And I live in New York now.

And sometimes you see things that can make you anxious.

You'll see troubling things out on the street.

I was coming into my apartment building one night and I saw in front of my building a wheelchair knocked over on its side with no one in it.

That's a bad thing to see.

Something happened there. You hope it was a miracle.

But probably not.

Probably something worse.

I don't like arguments. Some people like to argue.

They think it's like an art. I don't like it.

I think it's because really ordinary arguments can get really dramatic really quickly.

I was talking to friend recently, and I told him that I didn't think

I believed in the death penalty.

And my friend said to me, "Oh, so you're telling me that if you saw Hitler walking down the street, you wouldn't kill him?"

I said "That wasn't what I was telling you.

"But all right. Let's talk about this...

Entirely new topic.

What would I do if I saw Adolf Hitler just... just walking down the street?"

Well, first off, I wanted to know what did my friend mean?

Did he mean that I see a guy in like the military outfit

With the little mustache?

'Cause then I would assume that

That's someone dressed as Hitler.

I'm not gonna kill that guy.

I'm not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones V

Just 'cause I don't understand costumes.

Or does he mean that I'm walking down the street and I see like an old, old man who I think might be Hitler based on my memory of what Hitler looks like?

I'm not gonna kill that guy either because I am often wrong.

I'd murder him and then people would run up and be like,

"Whoa! You just killed an old, old, man!"

And then I'd be like, "He looked like Hitler!"

And they're like "Yeah, a little."

I have a lot of strange interactions on the street.

Years ago, I was walking down the street

And a homeless guy came up to me and he walked up to me and he pushed me like that.

He pushed me in the chest.

And then he said these things in this order.

Pushed me and he said, "Excuse me, I am homeless.

I am gay. I have aids.

I'm new in town."

You're gonna close with "New in town"?

That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said.

As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire,

"You had me at aids."

Here's how I would've ordered those things.

I would've said, "Excuse me.

I'm new in town and it gets worse."

Didn't that guy practice his pitch at all in the mirror that morning and just figure out what he was gonna say?

Just like in the morning just be like,

"All right, what am I gonna do today?

"What I'm gonna do?

I'll walk up and say hello. No, that's too subtle.

I'm gonna push him."

I'm gonna push him.

And I'm gonna say, 'I'm new in town.'

No, no, hold back. Hold back.

Save it. Build to that."

I'll be like, I'll walk up to him,

I'll push him.

I'll go, "I have aids."

No, that's too strong.

All right.

I'll walk up to him and-- and I'll push him.

I will start with the fact that I am homeless, as that is a given.

Then, for a back story,

I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.

Which I know, it's tough for gay youths on the street, but that's not, like, a reason for money.

You can't be like, "Hey, would you help me out?

I'm very gay. I'd like a few dollars."

I always love how he phrased it, by the way.

He didn't say, "I'm living on the street."

He said, "I'm new in town,"

Like it was intriguing.

Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody.

Like I have a friend who's like,

"There's no single guys left in Manhattan."

And I'm like, "I know someone who's new in town."

"What are three other things about him?"

Just too anxious for a lot of things.

I get very nervous all the time,

Not even about, like, major life things.

Just, like, about in everyday situations.

Like, this is my regular speaking voice, but if I'm in a public bathroom and someone knocks too suddenly on the stall door,

I go into a whole different speaking voice, which is, "Someone's in here.

Someone's in here," so they're gonna be like,

"I think there's a carnival barker in there.

"I think someone's trying to drum up business for a carnival."

I decided to do something about all this anxiety. recently I decided I was gonna try and get a xanax prescription.

I don't know if anyone here has ever tried xanax,

But it's fantastic.

Very muted claps for xanax.

You don't really get "whoos."

It's more like, "yeeeeeaaaaah."

I didn't know how to get a xanax prescription, though.

Drugs like that are tricky sometimes.

But I talked to a friend of mine, and he said,

"Hey, I did this."

He said that he had a regular doctor's appointment, and at the end of it, he said to his doctor,

"Hey, doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes," and the doctor just wrote him a xanax prescription.

And I was like, "Yeah, that's the type of lowbrow shit

I'm looking for.

I'll take your advice, friend I've never listened to before."

So I go to a clinic and I go in, and I'm just gonna go in for, you know, a regular type of checkup, and at the end, I'll ask about xanax.

So I get to the front desk, and they have a "Why are you here?" Sheet.

And I want to pick something that will get me in and out really quickly.

And I look down and I see "frequent urination,"

And I was like, perfect.

That'll be a super quick visit, you know?

I'll just be like, "Hey, sometimes I pee a lot," and the doctor will be like, "Me too. Crazy, right?"

And I'll be like, "I get nervous on airplanes."

So I checked off "Frequent urination," and I sat down in the waiting area, and I waited for three hours.

I finally go back to the observation room,

And--oh, in the observation room, there is a male nurse standing there, and he has a batman sticker on his stethoscope, a batman necklace, and a batman watch.

He was kind of moving around the whole time.

You know, he was just like, "All right.

I am too blessed to be stressed. Let's do it.

What are you allergic to, besides work?"

And then he'd take something and he'd throw it over his shoulder and be like, "Beats workin'."

Like, all of his jokes were very anti-work,

Which is not always what you want from a healthcare professional.

The doctor comes in the room,

And the doctor looks at my chart, and he says, "oh, you're here for frequent urination.

How many times a day are you urinating?"

And I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit, so I said 11,

And that was too many times to say.

The doctor looks at me and he says,

"You're peeing 11 times a day?

"Then you may have something wrong with your prostate, so what we need to do--"

[audience laughter]

Some of you are ahead of me.

[laughter]

So I don't know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was, "Hey, if this visit is to continue,

I'm going to stick part of my hand up your ass."

And I didn't know what to say,

'cause I couldn't be like, "No, that's okay.

I was lying.

It was a lie.

To get drugs.

You know, like a crime."

So what I did was, I pulled down my pants and I walked over to the observation table, and I put my hands down on the observation table like this--

And by the way, part of me was like, whatever, you know?

You know those days when you're like,

"This might as well happen"?

Adult life is already so goddamn weird.

So I'm bent over like this on the table, and the doctor comes up behind me.

He goes, "No, no, no, not on your hands. On your elbows," and he knocks me down like that.

And this is so much worse than this.

I don't know why.

I think it's that this has, like, a little remaining dignity to it, you know what I mean?

This is sort of like, "Oh, stick it in.

I am an American."

This is like you're leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you're like, "Ah, we are approaching Martinique."

But he knocked me down to my elbows, and then he stuck his hand in and, you know how sometimes you're like,

"I bet I know what most things feel like," you know?

You just think you'll know.

I did not know what this was gonna feel like.

And this was the actual sound I made.

I went, "Ohhhhhh."

But I didn't say it.

Like, it came from my vocal cords, but it was totally involuntary.

It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light.

And then...

When he pulled his hand out--

We've gotten to know each other pretty well,

So I will phrase this as delicately as I can.

I did not realize that when the doctor pulls his hand out, it feels like you're shitting, because the only thing that's ever come out of your butt before has been shit.

So, he pulls his hand out and I thought that I was shitting into his hand,

So I yelled, "I'm sorry!"

This is a very routine procedure, by the way, for most doctors, and so far, he's had to deal with "Ohhhhhh!"

And "I'm sorry!"

And he didn't even let me off the hook, you know?

He wasn't like, "Ah, don't worry.

You didn't shit into my hand."

He just threw his glove away and was like, "Ahgahah."

And I was about to ask about xanax,

But then he said, "All right, your prostate's fine, but we still need to do a blood test."

So I pulled up my pants and shuffled away, feeling different.

And he yells out into the hall,

He goes, "Hey, we're doing a blood test. Get in here."

And batman dances back in, and he's like,

"All right. We're gonna do a blood test.

You look different. Let's do it."

The doctor left the room, so I'm alone with batman.

I just need this blood test to be over, okay?

But first I had to tell batman something.

I said, "Batman, look, I'm one of those people who when you take blood from me, sometimes I can faint, and I was in the waiting area for three hours, and I haven't eaten all day, and I'm really worried I'm gonna faint."

And batman said to me, and I'll never forget it,

"Pssh! You're not gonna faint."

So... I stick my arm out,

Batman puts the needle in,

I immediately collapse on the ground.

I wake up and I am covered in sweat, lying on the observation table.

I wake up, I open my eyes, and I see batman's face.

He's looking at me and he goes, "You gotta go."

And I said, "Could I please talk to the doctor, though, first?

Because sometimes I get nervous on airplanes."

And batman said, "The doctor's gone."

So I got my stuff and I left.

The moral of the story is, that if you've been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about xanax, because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass.

And if you do suffer from frequent urination,

Keep it to yourself.

I went to that clinic two years later for a different checkup, and as I was leaving, who did I run into but batman.

And he smiled at me,

And he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed.

Thanks very much for listening to me.

My name's John Mulaney.

You were really fun. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[music playing]

Thank you very much again. Thanks a lot.

I really appreciate it. Thank you.

[upbeat music]

♪ New in town ♪

♪ John Mulaney's new in town ♪

♪ He's spilling mustard On his shirt ♪

♪ And he's got some papers To deliver ♪

♪ But oh, no ♪

♪ He successful ♪

♪ And he's got so many Crazy friends ♪

♪ Oh, new in town ♪

♪ New in town ♪

♪ John Mulaney's new in town ♪

♪ John Mulaney's new in town ♪