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The Outrageous Okona

Captain's Log, Stardate 42402.7.

We are traveling in the Omega Sagitta system

traversing between the twin planets

that form the Coalition of Madena.

Both worlds are populated by a humanoid race

which colonized the planets two centuries ago

and which now coexist

under a precarious but successful treaty.

Unidentified vessel approaching.

DATA: Sensor readings show it to be a small Class 9 vessel.

Probably an interplanetary cargo ship.

One life sign aboard, sir.

WORF: It appears to be humanoid.

I have its call sign now, sir.

WORF: Confirmed.

Armed with lasers only.

Its cargo holds are empty.

The readout shows its guidance system is malfunctioning.

The pilot is attempting to hold course manually.

I recommend we set the Enterprise on an intercept course in case he needs emergency assistance.

Make it so, Mr. Crusher.

We're in position now, Captain.

Open hailing frequencies.

Hailing frequencies open.

On viewer.

This is the USS Enterprise

Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

And this is the Cargo Carrier Erstwhile.

Captain Okona at your service, sir.

There's no need for your phasers, Captain.

I'm harmless and not quite yet ready for a mercy killing.

You were never considered a danger, Captain.

Oh, that's a shame.

I can remember when I was at least considered a risk.

I'm the owner and operator of this craft and since we both know that you've already scanned it you know I'm alone and empty, which is truly a rare occasion for a man of my charm and talent.

Mute main viewer.

Counselor?

His emotions suggest he's mischievous, irreverent, and somewhat brazen.

The word that seems to best describe him is "rogue."

Rogue?

Ah, cad, knave, rake, rascal, villain, wild elephant...

Yes, Data, but there is no malevolence or ill will.

Audio on. Do you have a burnout in your guidance system, Captain?

Whoa.

Since you're able to diagnose my problems how about helping me fix them?

Captain, we can easily repair the type of system he uses.

We can accommodate you, Captain.

This is the First Officer, sir.

If you prepare to shut down your engines we can lock on the tractor and beam you over here.

Sir, recommend limited access to our ship.

Agreed.

Data, lock on the tractor beam.

Transporter Chief, prepare to beam him aboard.

Ready on your command, sir.

OKONA: Excuse me, Commander.

Is that a woman's voice I hear?

Yes. Now please follow Commander Riker's instructions so our ship can get back to its normal routine.

Whatever you say, Captain.

Something funny?

Well, the unexpected is our normal routine.

Space, the final frontier.

These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.

Its continuing mission--

to explore strange new worlds

to seek out new life and new civilizations

to boldly go where no one has gone before.

Hold it steady, Wesley.

Ready to link up on my command.

Aye, sir.

Easy.

Easy.

Engage.

Captain Okona, shut down your engines.

Understood.

Transporter Room, prepare for the beaming operation.

We're on our way.

Wesley, Data, let's go.

Your weapons, please.

A Klingon security officer.

Yes.

No wars available, eh?

It's more a piece of jewelry than a weapon.

A remembrance.

Welcome aboard, Captain Okona. I'm Commander Riker.

If you'll turn over the inoperative part to Commander Data, we can begin repairs.

I'd be most happy to do the work myself, Commander.

I'm sort of the hands-on type.

I think you'd find the tools we use rather unusual, sir.

I can believe that.

May I at least watch?

That can be arranged.

Good then.

Commander, I leave this in your capable hands.

Sir, this is Commander Data.

I'm just an acting ensign.

Well, acting ensigns have names, don't they?

Wesley.

Wesley Crusher.

Nice to meet you

Acting Ensign Wesley, Wesley Crusher.

And thank you for beaming me here and enabling me to see a truly beautiful woman.

You have the majestic carriage and loveliness that could surely be traced back to the noblest families.

Well, I'm sure you've said that to many ladies before.

And it was no more true then, than it is now.

But it's how I say it that's really important.

The warmth, the attraction that I have for you the attraction that we share.

Mr. Okona appears to have excellent vision as well as a healthy libido.

Captain Okona, if you'll follow Commander Data you can get started right away.

Now, that's sex appeal.

Sexual attraction in this context is not a part of my programming.

I am an android.

Well then, have you seen any good-looking computers lately?

That's a joke.

It's funny.

Oh.

Of course it is.

( forced laughter )

Will that do what the original did?

Sure will, and better.

Let me show you.

On your old one here the zelebium contacts wore down and then fused.

Now, what I've done is replace them with tricellite.

Tricellite isn't available in this system.

If I ever had to replace it...

Don't worry, you won't.

Your ship will never outlast this part.

Because of the part or the way I fly my ship?

( laughing )

Well, this part, but the stress test did show that you tend to push your ship a little beyond its design capabilities.

( chuckling ): Blame the pattern of my life, Lieutenant La Forge.

Because it relegates me to cargo carrying rather than the grand explorations you enjoy

I am forced to add a measure of flamboyancy and zest to the doldrum of my existence.

Have you ever been cold?

No.

Warm, then?

No.

What about drunk? Ever do that?

From alcohol?

That is not possible for me, sir.

Pity.

What about love?

The act or the emotion?

They're both the same.

I believe that statement to be inaccurate, sir.

Maybe.

Life is like loading twice your cargo weight onto your spacecraft.

If it's canaries and you can keep half of them flying all of the time you're all right.

I doubt that statement is entirely accurate either, sir.

Accurate? That was a joke I just told you.

I do not understand.

You don't know what a joke is?

Of course I do.

It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot a fluctuation of words concluding with a trick ending.

That's the dictionary meaning.

I'm talking about humor, fun.

Do you know what funny is?

Where is 806?

Right over there, sir.

Why?

You probably wouldn't understand that, either.

Hello there.

Status on the repair?

Working on it.

Commander, what do you think of Captain Okona?

Well, Okona is an interesting man, certainly.

We've seen how he handles his ship.

Apparently, he knows how to handle people as well.

Then, why does he work alone?

He's a man who lives his life by his own rules.

He does what he does by choice-- by his choice.

Someday, you'll make yours.

I already have.

So, you agree with Okona that I am missing a very important human factor.

I never said that.

I simply said that I've never seen you laugh.

I am capable of that function when it is expected of me.

Data, do you even know what a joke is?

Of course I do.

It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot, a fluctuation...

Stop.

Look, it's just you and I here.

We're talking, we're having an intimate conversation.

Why?

Because you're a droid and I'm a noid.

But why?

Because that's what I am.

Have I said something to offend you?

No.

Then why are you annoyed?

Because you're a droid and I'm a noid.

Humanoid.

Yes.

You told a joke? Yes.

I am not laughing.

Yes!

Perhaps the joke was not funny.

No, the joke was funny.

It's you, Data.

Are you sure?

Yes.

I agree.

What do I do?

Well, under normal circumstances

I'd say seek a higher power.

But, in your case probably a smarter computer's in order.

Computer, I wish to know more about humor.

Why certain combinations of words and actions make humans laugh.

Source material on that subject is extensive.

Please specify.

Animated presentation, humanoid, interaction required.

Physical humor, cerebral, or general raconteur?

Of all performers available who is considered funniest?

23rd century, Stano Riga.

Specialized in jokes about quantum mathematics.

No, too esoteric.

More generic.

Accessing.

That one.

RW 96321.

20th century.

Program complete.

You may enter.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much. You've been great.

As a matter of fact, I'd like to take you all home with me.

Unfortunately, I took the last audience home and there's no more room.

Ba-boom.

But thank you, really.

Thank you.

Hey, and thank you for bringing me here.

What's up?

Mr. Comic, I wish to know what is funny.

Funny? I don't know.

It's a matter of opinion I guess, uh...

Tip O'Neill in a dress.

Some people say words that end with a "k" are funny.

A briefcase that looks like a fish-- personally, I find that hysterical.

Tip O'Neill-- accessing.

20th century male, politician, overweight.

Wearing female clothing.

Carrying a valise that looks like a fish.

So, the juxtaposition of gender and an amphibian briefcase is funny.

Well, I think whatever makes you laugh is funny.

Nothing makes me laugh. I wish to learn.

Well, how much time do we have here?

Unlimited.

We're going to need it.

Because you, pal, are a tough room.

Tough room?

Ah.

A colloquialism meaning a severe, rigid, close-minded audience.

I understand.

I will attempt to be an easy room.

Show me what is funny.

All right, you're on.

Uh...

Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis.

( imitating Jerry Lewis): Haaa!

Ooh!

I'd be short for a moment if I could just...

Say, I...

Oh! Ooh...

Mr. Robot, would you like to come up and try...

I am an android.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Mr. Android, here, here, teeth.

Put them in your mouth.

Come up, mister...

Where did he go?

Where did Mr....?

Here, try, if you would...

You do "haaa."

Haaa. No, "ha-hiyee."

Ha-hiyee. Eeeh!

Eeeh!

You go "hee!" Hee!

Ya!

That is consider...

That is considered to be funny?

Actually, it brought the house down at Teaneck.

Ah, a word that ends in a "k."

So, if you put funny teeth in your mouth and jump around like an idiot that is considered funny?

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Data.

Data, look, did you ever consider, uh... juggling?

Weird birdcalls? Something like that?

That does not apply.

I simply want to know what is funny.

I want to involve myself in other people's laughter.

I wish to join in.

Well, I think that's nice.

You know, let's put the physical stuff aside for awhile, all right?

And we'll do uh, uh... some jokes.

You see, that's not my forte but I think that would work good for you.

If you would just have a seat and we'll try some jokes.

Like, uh, I don't know-- we'll start with the classics.

See, there's this traveling salesman, now and he's going down the road and his car breaks down.

Access faster. He comes upon this farmhouse...

( speaking very fast ): Now it's probably best when you do something like this is using a little cigar because it's kind of a prop kind of thing...

Faster.

Move to maximum speed.

( speaking at tape fast forward speed )

A guy walks into the doctor's office.

The doctor tells him, "You need an operation."

The guy says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says, "Okay, you're ugly, too."

Ba-doom-boom.

Was I funny?

No.

Data... you spoiled the joke.

It could have been your timing.

My timing is digital.

What?

That's funny.

Why?

It would take too long to explain.

Tell me another joke.

A monk, a clone and a Ferengi decided to go bowling together.

PICARD: Commander Data, report to the Main Bridge immediately.

I will be back.

Bring new jokes.

WORF: We have an "unidentified" at 12 mark 4.

No response to our inquiries.

Extend hailing frequencies, all languages, all channels.

Extending.

DATA: Sensors show it to be an interplanetary vessel, sir.

Class 7, crew complement 26.

WORF: Still no response.

Captain, they are now locking lasers on us.

Lasers? Yes, sir.

Lasers can't even penetrate our navigation shields.

Don't they know that?

Regulations do call for a yellow alert.

Hmm, very old regulation.

Well, make it so, Number One.

And reduce speed.

Drop main shields as well.

May I ask why, sir?

In case we decide to surrender to them, Number One.

( disgruntled growl )

Still no response to our hail, sir.

It is slowing and holding its position, Captain.

Sir, we are now being hailed.

Viewer on.

Federation vessel you have no rights in this solar system.

I am Debin of Planet Atlec ordering you to heave to and prepare to be boarded.

Shades of Gulliver's Travels.

He actually meant it.

But he is right.

We are in their solar system.

Open a channel.

Open, sir.

I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

For what reason have you locked your weapons on us?

Enterprise, you are towing the spacecraft of a known criminal.

He was in need of emergency repair.

It was our obligation to assist.

You have a man aboard by the name of Okona.

I want him.

On what authority?

He is guilty of crimes committed on the planet Atlec.

I expect him to be turned over to my authority immediately.

Mute.

What do you think, Counselor?

He believes what he's saying.

His anger is genuine.

Open.

What crimes are you referring to?

That is neither important nor necessary.

I want Okona now!

Captain, we have another class 7 armed spacecraft approaching from the opposite sector.

Another ship from Atlec?

Similar in specifications and capabilities but a variation in markings and hailing language.

Debin, hold this position.

Viewer off.

Data, identify.

Sensors indicate it is a security vessel from the planet Straleb.

Another glob fly.

Glob fly?

DATA: A Klingon fly half the size of an Earth mosquito with no sting and a buzzing sound like this...

Data, viewer on.

Hailing frequencies.

Open, sir.

I am Secretary Kushell from the Legation of Unity of the planet Straleb.

I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

We know who you are, Captain Picard.

We've been monitoring your communications and we know of the demands made by Debin of the planet Atlec.

Then you're aware that we have no hostile intention.

You only have to concede to one demand.

That word "demand" has a tone of finality.

It is a word I have chosen.

We demand that you turn Okona over to us immediately.

Mute.

Mr. Okona, to the Bridge immediately!

Open.

The same demand has been made by the Atlec legation.

I have no interest in their request but we intend to back up our legal rights to Okona.

I would rather not escalate this situation any further.

Our honor and prestige are at stake!

We are prepared to take Okona by force and die in the doing of it if necessary.

I trust that that can be avoided.

I will respond to your request shortly.

Viewer off.

Captain Okona has not responded, sir.

He's been reported in three different crew quarters.

Find him, get him up here.

Yes, sir.

You will come with me to the Main Bridge.

I'm sure it can wait a few minutes.

Now!

I'd like that... but I have my orders.

Some other time.

Remember what it took to drag me from your arms.

Am I going to meet Captain Picard?

( chuckling )

Definitely.

Did I say something funny?

Captain Picard

this is Thadiun Okona.

Mr. Okona you were welcomed aboard without any undue investigation.

In turn, it was assumed that you did not come under false pretenses.

It now seems that you may have done.

Captain, if you mean my socializing with the members of the crew...

Mr. Okona you are free to socialize with the members of my crew.

I'm talking about a man named Debin.

He's from Atlec.

I've had dealings with some of his family.

Then, perhaps you can explain why his craft is threatening to attack us unless I give him custody of you.

I can't.

Then, tell me why Kushell of the planet Straleb is demanding the same thing.

He's here also?

Mm-hmm, and quite adamant.

Mr. Okona, what crimes are you accused of?

I am not a criminal.

Why do these men want you?

I can't say.

They're threatening to attack the Enterprise.

They would be crazy. They wouldn't stand a chance!

Right.

So you can offer no reason why they are set on this provocative course?

I can't think of one right now.

On viewer.

Which ship?

What?

Uh, the first one-- Captain Debin.

Captain, let me ask you again.

What are Okona's crimes?

That is not your concern.

It is if you wish me to release him to you.

All right, you want to know what he did?

You want to know why I have chased him across this system?

All right, here-- this is his crime.

He dishonored my daughter.

He took advantage of her, then he ran off and left her carrying his bastard child.

He'll return, and he'll do the right thing or I'll hunt him to the ends of the galaxy.

Captain's log, supplemental.

Some of the mystery surrounding this ancient morality play

we've been dragged into has been revealed.

One of Captain Okona's pursuers is an outraged father

with a heartfelt, if arcane, sense of righteousness.

Your advice, Counselor.

We are dealing with ancient codes involving procreation.

While they may appear meaningless to us to Debin, they represent his honor.

He will fight, risking himself, his crew his daughter and her unborn child.

You know, Captain, your Counselor's right-- he will fight.

The Captain of the other ship is demanding to be heard.

I don't suppose you can give me any indication why this man wants you.

( sighs )

Let's put all this together.

Lieutenant Worf, multiple image, full conference mode.

Let them all see each other.

Yes, sir.

Here you are, Debin trying to save this criminal.

My purpose is not your concern.

It is if it involves Okona. Gentlemen.

Please, let's try and resolve this matter.

Captain Kushell, what crime has Okona allegedly committed against you?

He is a thief.

He stole the Jewel of Thesia, a national heritage.

A thing, an item.

My case involves the victimization of my daughter and my honor.

I'll have Okona now!

He is mine!

One at a time.

Who accuses me of stealing?

I do.

My son, Benzan and I.

Father, please...

He used you to become my friend.

He used my daughter!

He used my son to plunder a national treasure!

Mute.

( no audio )

Terminate communications.

Come with me.

Captain, you can't be afraid of those two or what they can do to your ship.

No.

They could fire until their lasers ran dry they wouldn't hurt the Enterprise.

My predicament is what to do with you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry my ship broke down.

I'm sorry you stopped to help.

I'm sorry you're involved.

But you're right. Whatever happens, however it goes, someone gets hurt.

Hand me over to Kushell and Debin goes to war.

And if I hand you over to Debin, it's the same thing.

I wish I could...

I wish I could make it easier.

I'm sure you do.

I'm not going to apologize for the way I am or how I live my life but, just for the record, I did not steal the Jewel of Thesia.

I am not a criminal, Captain.

And, as to the other business, that's between me and Yanar.

No one else.

In truth, I simply do not have authority in this matter.

I'm not your judge, nor is it my duty to arbitrate.

But you are in my custody and that creates the dilemma.

How about this?

Do what you said.

Fix my guidance system and let me leave.

According to Starfleet regulations that would be my only course of action.

But their ships are faster than yours.

I'm not doing you a favor.

Captain, with all due respect, that's not your concern.

Besides, I can take care of myself.

You're quite a craftsman

Lieutenant La Forge.

How soon?

What's the rush?

I thought you liked it here.

I did.

It stopped liking me.

Time to disappear.

Where will you go?

What?

I said, where will you go?

A new place, if I make it.

Don't you ever stay anywhere?

Not for long.

I couldn't be like that.

Oh?

I mean, always being alone.

Commander Riker says you choose to live the way you do, and like it.

Is that what he says?

Yeah.

It would be difficult for me to be leaving all the time.

I'd miss my friends, the people I love.

I guess leaving's gotten easy for you.

I seem to have a way of using up a place.

I wasn't talking about a place.

I know.

I know what you were talking about.

LA FORGE: It's ready.

You should be able to install this in roughly five minutes.

( sighs )

Like you said, Geordi, what's the rush?

I have some friends around here.

I think it's time to make a stand.

Mr. Okona.

Captain, I've decided not to leave.

Oh?

Don't worry, I'm not staying, either.

Just what are your plans, Mr. Okona?

I've decided to surrender myself.

To which one?

( chuckling ): There's really only one option.

Viewer on.

Gentlemen, communicating like this is very distracting.

I suggest that we beam you up to the Enterprise and we'll resolve this face-to-face.

Excellent.

Agreed.

RIKER: Leave your weapons behind.

Let's keep this civilized.

Number One, you have the Bridge.

Counselor Troi, would you accompany me to Deck 14 Conference Room?

Worf, see to our guests.

Aye, sir.

They have no weapons.

This way.

Okona, you are without shame.

For once, I agree with Debin.

You are without shame.

I trusted you.

My son treated you like a brother.

And then to steal from us...

I want him now.

No, he's coming with me.

Captain, my complaint was registered first.

Now, please. Please be calm.

Lieutenant, thank you.

Everyone is talking about me and no one's talking to me.

You all believe that I stole the jewel and it was I who fathered the child.

You dare call my daughter a liar?

And now, I am offered these two choices and given these two options-- condemnation as a thief or marriage to the beautiful Yanar.

I will take the more pleasant sentence.

I will take Yanar as my wife.

No, you can't.

My son is right!

You can't escape that way.

That's not what I mean.

It's not up to you nor to Okona.

I've been dishonored.

I will decide.

YANAR: Wait.

Since all of you believe

Okona is the father of this child then so be it.

I'll marry you.

BENZAN: No.

You can't.

Yes, I can.

Okona is still a thief.

No, he's not.

Nothing has been stolen.

The Jewel of Thesia has been taken into custody by it's rightful heir, me.

I was to give it to Yanar as our pledge of marriage.

Marriage?

Yanar is carrying my child.

Oh, you said it was Okona's.

If I told you it was Benzan you would have gone to war with his father.

So I let you believe it was Okona.

See how a man gets a reputation?

If I had told you that I was giving the jewel to Debin's daughter, you'd have disowned me.

Now we're hearing some truth.

KUSHELL: So, you let me chase Okona when you knew he was innocent.

Yes, because I didn't believe for one moment that you could catch him.

Well said. He never would have.

And once Yanar accepted the jewel the marriage would have been made.

Well, I never got it.

Then Okona does have the jewel.

I never had the chance to deliver it.

Anyway, it's too late.

I won't marry Benzan.

Then you'll marry Okona.

I won't marry anyone.

I have reinstated the same program.

Along with some new jokes, I hope.

COMPUTER: Program complete. Enter when ready.

Comic, continue.

More freebies, huh?

No cover, no minimum?

Just "comic, continue"?

So tell me, Data, what happened?

I told a joke.

And?

No one laughed. No one?

Nobody in the whole room?

I was the whole room.

She said I spoiled the joke.

Actually, "killed" would have been a better word.

You know, Data, I think I know what your problem is.

You should always try out new material on an audience.

You know, he could be right.

Perhaps an audience is what you need.

Computer, program an audience appropriate to this venue.

( buzz of conversation )

Yanar.

You're angry at the embarrassment of all this and maybe the timing and the approach is not the most romantic, but...

I know you love Benzan and I don't want to see you throw away that feeling just because your parents have been quarreling for years and don't know how to behave properly.

I've carried your messages back and forth for almost six months.

I've smuggled each of you into the other's homeland.

You feel for him the same way he feels for you.

I do love you.

It is your child.

It's our child.

Marry me.

Yes.

( whistles )

We'll find a new planet to live on.

( laughing )

You'll live on Straleb.

No, no, no, no.

You'll live on Atlec.

KUSHELL: I will not have this man raising my grandson.

The rest of this is an issue, gentlemen to be settled between yourselves.

Now, if you will excuse us, we have business.

Thank you, Captain.

Your grandson?

KUSHELL: My grandson.

( drumroll )

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Thanks for coming, folks.

We got a great show for you tonight.

I'm so excited this evening.

Tonight, I have for you the funny man of the stars.

The android of antics.

That Lieutenant Commander of mirth.

Please, give him a nice welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

None other than-- he's just the best--

Data.

( cheering )

Good evening, ladies and germs.

( laughter )

( drumroll )

I come from a town so small we had a fraction for a zip code.

( laughter )

You made a living doing this?

Yes, I did.

It was so small, in fact we didn't have a godfather of crime.

We had a nephew.

( laughter )

( laughter )

I was so ugly as a child they hung a pork chop around my neck...

( laughter ) so the dog would play with me.

( laughter )

And then there was the human cannonball...

( laughter ) that was hired and fired in the same night.

( laughter )

Audience program off.

( laughter )

Discontinue comic.

It was a holodeck audience.

They were programmed to laugh at everything.

Perhaps I should reprogram the audience to display a more accurate response.

Data, let me give you one.

Being able to make people laugh or being able to laugh is not the end-all and be-all of being human.

No, but there is nothing more uniquely human.

Hold your speed, Captain Okona.

Disengage.

Separated.

I'm under my own power, now.

Thank you, Enterprise.

Thank you, Captain Picard.

Good-bye, Captain Okona.

Bye, Captain Okona.

Say good-bye, Data.

Good-bye, Data.

( chuckling )

Was that funny?

Accessing.

Ah, Burns and Allen.

Roxy Theater, New York City, 1932.

It still works.

Then there was the one about the girl in the nudist colony that nothing looked good on.

We're ready to get underway, sir.

Take my Worf... please.

Warp speed, sir?

Please.