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Qpid

Captain's Log, Stardate 44741.9.

We have arrived at Tagus Three

where the Enterprise is to serve as host

for the Federation Archeology Council's annual symposium.

I look forward to giving tomorrow's keynote address

with great anticipation.

( door chimes )

Come.

I thought you'd like to know the council members have beamed aboard and been assigned their quarters.

Excellent.

Captain, it really is quite late.

Tell me, Counselor, with a regard to my lecture, what do you think will provide the greater clarity-- a chronological structure, or the division of each expedition's findings into various religious sociological and environmental subgroupings?

I thought you'd already decided on a chronological structure.

There is something to be said for a more scientific approach.

May I make a suggestion?

By all means.

Relax.

You've written a brilliant speech.

It will need to be.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna be addressing some of the greatest scientific minds in the Federation.

Switzer, Klarc-Tarn-Droth, McFarland-- giants in the field of archeology.

Compared to them, I'm just an enthusiastic amateur.

I doubt they see you as an amateur, not when it comes to Tagus Three.

Well, it's true. I have done my homework.

I have examined the findings of every archeological expedition conducted on the planet's surface.

It is unfortunate that the Taguans no longer allow outsiders to visit the ruins.

Indeed. Especially since we know so little about their origins.

But I think... I think that I have constructed some plausible theories of my own.

And I'm sure the council members will agree with you.

Your support is appreciated, Counselor.

Now, good night, Captain.

VASH: Bring back any memories?

Vash!

How did you get in here?

I came in through the window.

( relic falling )

Space, the final frontier.

These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.

Its continuing mission--

to explore strange new worlds,

to seek out new life and new civilizations,

to boldly go where no one has gone before.

I had no idea you were a member of the Archeology Council.

You are a member... aren't you?

More or less.

Why did you come to Tagus Three?

To see you, of course.

Is that the only reason?

Isn't it enough?

I wish I could believe you.

( sighs )

I really have missed you, Jean-Luc.

( door chimes )

Excuse me.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh! Excuse me.

I didn't realize you had company.

Uh, that's all right. Allow me to introduce you.

This is Beverly.

Dr. Beverly... Doctor-- Dr. Beverly Crusher.

This is, um... Vash.

She's a friend of mine from the Archeology Council.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

The Captain and I often share morning tea together.

VASH: Yes, I know.

Jean-Luc has told me all about you.

Really?

When was that?

On Risa, where we met.

I see.

Well, that must have been during your vacation last year.

No-- yes.

Yes.

BEVERLY: Well, I am surprised he didn't mention you.

So am I.

Doctor, are you busy?

Not at the moment.

I was wondering, I would love to see some more of this marvelous ship.

I would be delighted to show it to you.

I, um...

That is, if it's all right with you, Jean-Luc.

Of course.

Don't worry. I promise to behave myself.

And this is Ten Forward, where the council's welcoming reception will be held today.

Well, I can't think of a better location.

Tell me, does Jean-Luc come here often?

BEVERLY: Not often.

The Captain is a very private man.

Would you like something to drink?

Please.

Eternity never looked so lovely.

Excuse me?

I was referring to the view-- eternity.

It never looked so lovely.

You must be Commander Riker.

I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

I believe you were about to tell me that... my eyes are as mysterious as the stars.

You're a Betazoid.

( chuckles ) Not at all.

It's just that Jean-Luc does a very good imitation of you.

He does? Mmm.

I see you two have met.

Not exactly.

This is Vash, a member of the Archeology Council, and a friend of the Captain's.

So I gathered.

They met during his visit to Risa.

On Risa?

That vacation must have been better than he let on.

You mean, he never mentioned me to you either?

MAN: Dr. Crusher, please report to Sick Bay.

I'm afraid I won't be able to finish our tour.

But perhaps Commander Riker could take over for me.

It would be my pleasure.

This is the Main Bridge, the command center of the Enterprise, and our last stop.

Vash, Commander La Forge.

Vash, hello. Hello.

Commander Data.

Hello. How do you do?

And this is Lieutenant Worf.

Hello.

Something wrong, Lieutenant?

I had not been informed that council members had been granted Bridge clearance.

Well, I think we can make an exception in this case.

Vash is a guest of the captain.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Is this where Jean-Luc sits?

RIKER: That's the big chair.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I can see where being a starship captain has its rewards.

I'm glad that you approve.

I suppose I'll go back to my room now and get ready for the reception.

By all means.

Well, I suppose I'll see you then, then.

I look forward to it.

Fascinating woman.

I don't understand.

I thought being the ship's counselor meant the captain confided in you.

He does when he thinks it's necessary.

And he never spoke to you about me?

Not that I recall.

Not even a hint?

You must understand, the captain is a very... private man. Private man.

I know.

Excuse me.

Of course.

Nice legs... for a human.

But, unfortunately...

Jean-Luc, we need to talk.

Excuse me.

Well, the reception seems to be going well.

Forget the reception for a moment.

Why have you never mentioned me to your friends?

What would you have me tell them?

That we met, for one thing.

That we had an adventure together, some fun.

It wouldn't be possible.

Why not?

It would be, uh... inappropriate.

I wasn't expecting you to go into intimate details.

A captain does not reveal his personal feelings to his crew.

Is that a Starfleet regulation, or did you just make that up yourself?

I'm sorry if you're upset.

And I'm sorry if my being here embarrasses you.

How was the reception?

Splendid.

Jean-Luc, it's wonderful to see you again.

How about a big hug?

Well don't just stand there, say something.

Get out of my chair!

Aww. And I was hoping for something more along the lines of, "Welcome back, Q.

It's a pleasure to see you again, my old friend."

We're not friends.

You wound me, mon capitaine.

There.

Perhaps now, your manners will show some improvement.

What brings you here, Q?

Have you been banished by the Continuum once again?

Oh, hardly.

They're still apologizing to me for the last time.

Then what is it you want?

Do I always have to have a reason to stop by?

I was merely in the sector. I was, uh...

( chuckles ) You force a confession from me.

The truth is, I have a debt to repay.

A debt? To you.

And it gnaws at me, and it interferes with each of my days.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Without your assistance on our last encounter,

I would never have survived.

I would have taken my own life but for you.

We all make mistakes.

Your good deed made possible my reinstatement in the Continuum, and I resent owing you anything.

So, I'm here to pay up.

Tell me, what is it you wish, and I'll be gone.

Just be gone. That'll do nicely.

No, no, no, no, no, it has to be something more-- more, uh... constructive.

That's my new word for the day.

Some other time, Q.

Right now, I have other matters to attend to.

Yes, your speech. I read it.

It's dull, plodding, pedantic-- much like yourself.

I could help you with it.

No, thank you.

You've never actually been to the ruins of Tagus Three, have you?

No, they were sealed off more than a century ago.

Well, that explains it then.

How can you write about something that you've never seen?

I know. Why don't I take you there?

Out of the question.

That would mean breaking Taguan law.

Must you always be so ethical?

I suppose we could travel back in time.

You could see what Tagus was like two billion years ago.

They really knew how to party back in those days.

My answer is still no.

My lecture will have to stand on its own.

And now, will you please leave my ship?!

You are simply the most impossible person to buy a gift for.

Commander Riker, will you report to my ready room?

Yes, Captain?

I've just been paid a visit from Q.

Q? Any idea what he's up to?

He wants to do something nice for me.

I'll alert the crew.

Captain.

( door chimes )

VASH: Who's there?

It's me.

Who?

Jean-Luc.

Yes?

May I come in?

Let me try to explain.

I... I am by no means embarrassed by your presence here.

On the contrary.

What's this-- a map of the ruins?

( sighs )

I thought that I was the only reason you came to Tagus.

I never fooled you for a second.

Still, you are the most important reason.

Am I?

That's the problem with being such a well-known liar-- even when I'm telling the truth, no one believes me.

This equipment will have to be confiscated.

Is that necessary?

If the Taguans were to catch you down there...

Oh, come on.

You gave me the same warning about Sarathong Five.

I remember.

Well, it didn't stop me from going there.

I brought back some very impressive artifacts too.

Which no doubt you sold for a very impressive profit.

That's what I do.

Not on board my ship. I will not allow it.

Let's get one thing straight though, Picard.

I cannot change who I am for you or anyone else.

Nor can I change who I am.

Then we have nothing more to say to one another.

So it would seem.

( door closes )

Sleeping alone?

I'm in no mood for your foolishness, Q.

I knew there was something different about you.

You seemed tense, preoccupied. Somewhat... smaller.

At first, I thought it was that horrible lecture of yours.

But I was mistaken.

Whatever game it is you want to play, it will have to wait until tomorrow.

I had such high hopes for you, Picard.

I thought you were a bit more evolved than the rest of your species.

But now, I realize you're just as weak as all the others.

Still, it pains me to see the great Jean-Luc Picard brought down by a woman.

What woman?

( chuckles )

Don't play coy with me, Captain.

I witnessed your little spat with Vash.

Nor will I soon forget the look of anguish on your face-- the pain, the misery.

If I didn't know better,

I would have thought you were already married.

You must be very bored, Q.

Your imagination is running away with you.

This human emotion-- love-- it's a dangerous thing, Picard.

And obviously, you're ill-equipped to handle it.

She's found a vulnerability in you.

A vulnerability I've been looking for for years.

If I had known sooner,

I would have appeared as a female.

Mark my words, Picard.

This is your Achilles' heel.

Believe what you wish.

Do you deny that you care for this woman?

Believe me, I'd be doing you a big favor if I turned her into a Klabnian eel.

Stay away from her, Q.

I was just trying to help.

My debt to you-- Is hereby nullified.

I don't want your help, your advice, your favors, or, for that matter, you.

Do you understand once and for all?

You would have me stand idly by as she led you to your destruction?

Yes!

As you wish.

( audience members talking quietly )

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the Archeology Council, welcome.

Mystery.

It is the mystery of Tagus Three that brings us here together today.

It is a mystery that has invited more argument, more deduction, more speculation than the best works of fiction.

And if you will excuse the conceit,

I want to tell you about my detective story.

For several years now, I have been trying to unravel the secrets of Tagus Three.

Needless to say, I have not succeeded.

However, I have, I believe, turned up some new information that, if nothing else, only raises a new set of mysteries, and I hope that we can discuss them here together.

There have been 947 known archeological excavations conducted on the planet surface.

Of those, some 74 are generally believed to have revealed findings of major importance.

The earliest were some 22,000 years ago...

( audience murmuring )

What the hell?

( sighs )

Q!

Is this Tagus Three?

I doubt there are many oak trees on Tagus.

No, I think this is supposed to be Earth, somewhere around about the 12th century.

And this is England-- or to be more precise, Sherwood Forest.

At least Q's re-creation of it.

That would explain these costumes.

Quite right, Number One.

Or should I say, John Little.

BEVERLY: Well, if he's Little John, that makes you-- PICARD: I know.

Robin Hood.

Sir, I protest.

I am not a merry man!

On the contrary, Lieutenant Worf.

Your clothing identifies you with the character of Will Scarlett.

Just as Geordi's mandolin identifies him as Alan-a-Dale.

And you, Mr. Data, bear a striking resemblance to Friar Tuck.

I will not play the fool for Q's amusement!

( hoofbeats, horse whinnying )

I have you at last, Robin Hood.

( Worf growling )

Quick, into the forest!

Mr. Worf! That's an order!

SIR GUY: Enough, you fools!

We'll never find them in the greenwood.

( plucking mandolin )

TROI: Like this?

DATA: Yes. Now, string.

I've managed to stop the bleeding.

( hoofbeats, horse whinnying )

( horse whinnying )

Q.

It's about time you showed up.

I would prefer if you addressed me as His Honor, the High Sheriff of Nottingham.

We will no longer share in this pointless fantasy of yours.

Fine-- stay here and do nothing.

By mid-day tomorrow, your crew will be safely aboard their ship.

Of course, you will have to accept the consequences of your inaction.

Consequences?

What is the one thing that Robin Hood is most famous for?

He robs from the rich and gives to the poor.

Besides that.

Perhaps you are referring to the rescue of Maid Marion from Nottingham Castle.

Q: Yes, Data!

And it just so happens that Sir Guy of Gisbourne has decreed that Marion's head shall come off tomorrow at noon.

Vash.

It's your choice, Robin.

You can either take your ease in this sylvan glade or risk your life to save the woman you care nothing about.

My feelings towards Vash are irrelevant.

I would attempt to save any innocent life, as you well know.

Yes, but what about your merry men?

Are you willing to jeopardize their lives as well?

Is Vash's life worth more than Data's or Troi's, or Worf's?

You know, Worf, you'd make a perfect throw rug in Nottingham Castle.

( growls ) PICARD: Q, I ask you to put an end to this before someone gets hurt.

Oh, that's impossible.

You see, I've given this fantasy, as you call it, a life of its own. I have no more idea what's going to happen than you do.

But of one thing, I'm absolutely sure.

If you dare come to Nottingham Castle, blood will be spilled.

Oh, you'll wear yourself out with all that pacing, m'lady.

I told you to stop calling me that.

The name is Vash.

Oh. My poor lamb.

You've got a brain sickness, for sure.

Oh, can't I get you something to ease your suffering?

I could use a drink.

Well, I wasn't thinking of spirits, m'lady, but I have some nice fresh leeches... to drain the fever.

Out! Get out!

Oh, her mind's in an awful turmoil, Sir Guy.

Who the hell are you?

( gasps ) M'lady!

Everyone in Nottingham knows--

Sir Guy of Gisbourne.

Sir Guy of what?

Leave us.

Do not mock me, Lady Marian.

I'm prepared to offer you one last chance to change your mind.

Will you marry me?

I see.

Then the execution will proceed as scheduled.

What execution?

I warn you, Marian, this pathetic attempt at feigning madness will not save your life.

You mean, I'm the one being executed?

Sir Guy, wait a minute.

Couldn't we talk this over?

I admit, I haven't been myself lately.

Maybe we've both been a bit hasty?

Please?

( playing badly )

Sorry.

( arrow landing )

TROI: Data!

Are you all right?

The arrow impacted just above my sixth intercostal support, penetrating my secondary subprocessor.

Fortunately, none of my biofunctions seem affected.

Do not be concerned, Counselor.

I believe your aim is improving.

We've got to get out of here, Captain.

Not we, Number One.

I want you and the others to stay here until I return.

You're not going to try to save her yourself, sir.

This is not a mission.

It's personal. It's between Q and myself.

I don't want the rest of you involved.

Captain! You have your orders,

Commander!

And I expect you to follow them.

A touch sharper, shall we?

Such benevolence, Sir Guy.

Allowing the condemned prisoner a breath of fresh air?

You're mistaken, Sheriff.

Maid Marian has promised to be my wife.

What?! That's impossible.

VASH: Not at all.

Though I admit a maiden seldom has the opportunity to win herself such a noble husband.

Now, toast.

To the most beautiful bride-to-be in the whole of England.

Don't drink that!

It could be poisoned.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

A foul scheme of Robin Hood's.

She's in league with him, I warrant.

Robin Hood?

Oh, Robin Hood!

Oh, well, that was over long ago.

( scoffs ) All of Nottingham knows you're still in love with him.

VASH: That's a lie!

He-- he bewitched me.

He put me under some evil spell.

I suspected as much.

You can add sorcery to the list of charges against that rogue.

Sir Guy, if anyone's been bewitched here, it's you.

Silence!

Any more impudence, and it'll be your head on the block.

Guard.

Escort the Lady Marian to her chamber.

But I'd much rather stay here with you.

Of course you would, my child, but I have important business to attend to.

Lovely creature.

Intriguing.

( chuckles )

( door opens and closes )

( noise outside )

One step closer, I'll scream.

( grunting )

Vash, damn it, it's me.

Jean-Luc!

Am I glad to see you-- you wouldn't believe what I've been going through!

One minute, I'm on the Enterprise.

The next thing I know, I'm here in Nottingham.

First, they're gonna chop my head off.

Now, I'm supposed to marry someone named Sir Guy, and everyone insists on calling me Marian.

Yes, I know.

You do? But how?

You're Robin Hood.

My staff and I were brought here by an old adversary of mine named Q.

But I'll tell you the rest of that when we're safe.

Come on, we don't have much time.

And the others are outside?

They're waiting for us back at Sherwood Forest.

You mean, you came here alone?

That's right-- now, come on! What kind of plan is that?

It's an excellent one-- if you'll just hurry up!

Do you realize our lives are at stake here?

Only too well.

And this is the best strategy you could come up with?

One man against an entire castle?

You have a better one?

How about this? You go, I'll stay here.

And do what?

Marry Sir Guy if I have to.

Oh, that's brilliant.

If there's a way to escape, I'll find it... eventually, with my head still attached.

You really believe I would leave you here?

I can take care of myself.

You are the most stubborn woman I ever knew.

Hey!

There'll be no escape for you this time, Robin Hood.

You stay behind me.

You should have left while you had the chance.

Well done, my dear.

Consider it my wedding gift to you, darling.

Congratulations, Sir Guy.

I see you snared the jackal.

It's Marian who deserves the credit.

Took him with his own sword.

You sent for me, m'lady?

I want you to take this letter to Robin's men.

You want me to go to Sherwood Forest at this time of night?

You'll leave immediately.

But it's dark. I'll get lost.

Besides, it's not safe, what with all them hedge robbers and worse lurking about.

Please, this is urgent.

If you ask me, you'd be better off with Sir Guy.

He's got a future.

Why, you'll be living in London before you know it.

But you must go. Otherwise, they'll kill him.

( snaps ) Out.

How dare you barge in here like this?

I've come to apologize for my harsh words.

I had no idea that you were so ruthless.

That's most gracious of you.

I admit I was surprised, but no more surprised than Jean-Luc.

You're Q.

Yes, and you are a very interesting woman.

What is this?

Give that to me.

A letter to Riker.

"Quick, come to the castle.

Save the captain."

Why, this is wonderful!

What marvelous duplicity.

You certainly fooled Sir Guy, and me, as well.

I think you're worth further study.

Am I?

Yes, but unfortunately, we just don't have the time.

Guards!

Take this traitor away.

It appears there's going to be a double execution.

VASH: This whole thing is your fault.

PICARD: My fault?

Yes, your fault.

If you hadn't grabbed my sword, we'd be back in Sherwood by now.

I grabbed your sword to prevent you from being killed.

Oh, really?

Not as a wedding present for Sir Guy?

You know I had no intention of going through with that.

Do I?

You should never have interfered.

You're the one interfering.

I was just trying to rescue you.

Well, next time, don't bother.

Don't you worry, I won't.

Q: Don't the two of you ever stop arguing?

Now tell me, Robin.

As you stand here facing the termination of your insect existence, do you see what brought you to this end?

Was she worth it?

Can we just get this over with?

Are you implying that I'm not worth it?

( scoffs )

Q, your game was for my benefit.

She is innocent in all of this.

Q: Ha! She is many things, none of them innocent.

PICARD: Let her go!

VASH: Jean-Luc, you do care.

Q: A gallant gesture, Robin, but a futile one.

Farewell. I hope the two of you are happy together.

You have been found guilty of outlawry and high treason.

Do you have anything to say before sentence is carried out?

I...

Prepare them for the block.

( crowd chattering )

There are too many of 'em.

Data, we need a diversion, now.

Guards, take Marian to the tower!

Come on.

I'll have you know, I'm the greatest swordsman in all of Nottingham.

( shouting )

Very impressive.

There's something you should know.

And what would that be?

I'm not from Nottingham.

( approaching footsteps )

Jean-Luc.

Oh...

It's over, Q!

Get us out of here!

( sword hitting ground, Q clapping )

My compliments, Picard.

I doubt Robin Hood himself could have done much better.

If you have hurt any of my people...

Q: Sadly enough, they're all fine.

But my point is they could have been killed, and so might have you.

All for the love of a maid.

My debt to you, Picard, is paid, if you've learned how weak and vulnerable you really are.

If you finally see how love has brought out the worst in you.

Nonsense. You're absolutely wrong.

It's brought out the best in him-- his nobility, courage, self-sacrifice... tenderness.

Q: Oh, you're good.

You're really good.

Enough of this.

Ah... indeed.

Is everyone here?

Where's Vash?

Computer, locate Council Member Vash.

COMPUTER: Council member Vash is not aboard the Enterprise.

Hello, Jean-Luc.

( sighs )

Well, this is a relief.

I thought that perhaps Q had--

Well, he had some things to discuss with me.

Indeed.

I'm surprised he's not busy gloating over his victory.

He was right about one thing, you know.

As ridiculous as it was, his game did prove that you still care.

I may not show my feelings to my crew, but I do have them.

I'm gonna miss you, Jean-Luc.

So, where are you off to now?

I haven't made up my mind.

After all, she has the entire universe to choose from.

Meet my new partner.

Him? Why not?

I'll tell you why not.

Now, Jean-Luc, let's not be unkind.

He's devious, and amoral, and unreliable, and irresponsible, and... and definitely not to be trusted.

Remind you of someone you know?

As matter of fact, it does.

We're going to have fun.

I'm going to take her places no human has ever seen.

Now, who can resist an offer like that?

As payment in full of your debt to me, you will guarantee her safety.

She will not be harmed, Jean-Luc.

I promise you that.

Well, are you going to kiss her good-bye?

All right.

Well, aren't you?

Oh, I-- I'm sorry, I...

I forgot my hat.

Good-bye, Jean-Luc.