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Cost of Living

Forward tubes armed and ready, Captain.

Fire.

A direct hit, sir.

The asteroid has been shattered.

However, the core is still intact and still on a collision course with Tessen III.

Is it big enough to cause a threat?

Yes, sir, it is of sufficient size and density to cause planet-wide damage.

Time to impact?

It will reach the upper atmosphere in 44 seconds and impact on the planet 11 seconds later.

Ready torpedoes.

Aye, sir.

Sir, the core is composed of nitrium and chrondite.

It is unlikely another photon torpedo will be of any effect.

Mr. Worf, prepare a tractor beam.

Aye, sir.

30 seconds to impact.

Captain, I am unable to get a positive lock with the tractor beam.

There is magnetic field interference emanating from the core materials.

Activate a deflector dish.

If we project a particle beam, we may be able to produce a disruptive nuclear effect within the core.

Aye, sir.

DATA: Impact in 17 seconds.

Particle beam activated.

The target has been destroyed, Captain.

The remaining debris is of no threat to the planet, sir.

Well done, everyone.

Ensign, put us back on course for the Moselina system.

Warp four as soon as we're clear of the debris field.

Aye, sir.

Space, the final frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.

Its continuing mission--

to explore strange new worlds,

to seek out new life and new civilizations,

to boldly go where no one has gone before.

My instructions were clear.

They were not!

Before he was allowed to play, he was to place his soiled clothing in the garment reprocessor.

I was not!

I sense a touch of hostility here, gentlemen.

You were specifically told that.

You told me that yesterday, not today.

If I may suggest...

You know very well the same rule applies today that...

Please.

Why not simply draw up a contract which clearly defines the duties of each family member?

You mean he tells me what he wants and I have to do it.

No. I mean you both agree to your responsibilities.

And when you've done the things that you've agreed to do, then you've earned the privilege to do the things that you want to do.

When he's cleaned his room, for instance, then perhaps he's earned a visit to the holodeck to fight his alien monsters.

You suggest bribery.

I suggest working out an equitable system with the rules clearly spelled out... for the child and the parent.

You must make a list of your responsibilities, too.

What would you like your father to promise, Alexander?

No yelling.

I do n--! I do not yell.

Well, then, you should have no trouble with that part.

Why not go back to your quarters and talk this thing over?

Decide on which points each of you wants in the contract.

Very well.

One day you're going to be glad your father cared enough about you to insist on rules.

It may be hard to imagine right now, but eventually most children come to appreciate their parents.

Riker to Counselor Troi.

Your mother's just come aboard.

On the other hand...

LWAXANA: Deanna, my dear, it's mother!

Oh, I've got such deliciously exciting news.

You're going to be absolutely thrilled.

I'm getting married.

You know, with just a bit of redecorating here and there, this Ten-Forward room should make a very nice wedding hall.

I beg your pardon?

Ah, where else, my little one... but here amongst all my good friends and in the presence of my adored daughter?

Mother, where did you...?

When did you meet this man?

Who is he?

I mean, marriage?

When did all this happen?

Oh, my poor, plodding little Deanna with her questions, questions, questions.

Wherever did you inherit such pedestrian genes?

What matters, my little one, is that your mother's happy.

Mother, if you're happy, then I'm happy for you.

I only asked who he is and where you met him.

Those are not unusual questions.

He's such a wonderful man, and he has such good breeding.

Oh, I tell you, he's absolute perfection.

Who is he?

He's Campio, third minister to the conference of judges from the planet Kostolain.

Royalty, my little one...

BOTH: Naturally.

I didn't even know you'd ever been to Kostolain.

Or was he on some diplomatic mission to Betazed?

Well, uh... um... neither, actually.

Uh, you see, we haven't exactly met yet, really.

Oh, but the profiles we've exchanged... why, they were in such accord that you could weep, my little one.

You would weep at the harmony between us.

Mother, don't you think it would be a good idea if you actually met the man you're going to marry before committing to spend the rest of your life with him?

Deanna, I love you but you do make everything sound like an epitaph.

ALEXANDER: I don't want to agree.

But you have to agree. That is what an agreement is.

Counselor Troi, excuse the intrusion, but we're having some difficulty drawing up our contract.

Hmm?

Mrs. Troi.

Hmm.

He's not fair.

The boy is unreasonable.

Well, of course he's unreasonable.

He's a child.

Aw... and such a child.

You know, making little boys reasonable only gives them pimples.

Alexander, this is my mother.

Alexander?!

What a wonderful name.

You know, I once knew a tall, handsome warrior named Alexander.

Oh, he utterly adored me and we went everywhere-- simply everywhere.

Have you been anywhere yet...?

Contract?! What contract?!

Between father and son.

A fair and balanced way to achieve a mutual sense of order.

Well, how ghastly for you.

And you are doing this to your own child, Mr. Woof?

Mother!

It is Worf, madam.

Contracts are usually between people who don't really trust one another.

A child who is trusted becomes worthy of that trust.

Mother, will you kindly stay out of this?

And if he does not perform his contractual duties,

I assume he will be chastised.

He will be... sanctioned, yes.

Mm-hmm, and if you fail to perform your duties, what is the child supposed to do about it?

Mother, will you please...?

I, not perform my duty?

Alexander, now life's true gift is the capacity to enjoy enjoyment.

Now...

Hmm! Have I arrived too late?

Or, uh... can you still smile?

( laughs )

( sighs )

Married? She's getting married?

Yes. If we stay on our present course, we should rendezvous with her intended in 31 hours.

I will not have that woman continuing to use this ship for her convenience simply because her daughter happens to be one of my officers.

Apparently, Deanna being on board is only part of the reason.

The other reason being?

She thinks the honor of giving away the bride should fall on you.

Permission for an onboard wedding is granted, Number One.

Nothing would please me more than to give away Mrs. Troi.

( chuckles )

Ah, my little warrior!

And how are you this morning?

Oh, I see.

Being punished for something, are we?

It's just my regular time to meet with Counselor Troi.

She's not here yet.

Then you're early.

That's very responsible of you.

No, I just wanted to be out of my room be-- before...

Before what?

Now, if we're to be real friends, we've got to share only the truth.

Why?

Well, for one thing, it's easier.

When you tell the truth, you never have to remember later what you lied about.

But mostly, a true friend is a person you can always tell the truth to without worrying about it.

I... I wanted to leave before my father got back.

Oh.

I hate him.

I wish my mother were here... but she died.

That's not very fair, is it?

All he cares about are rules.

I'm supposed to do everything right all the time.

I don't know how.

Oh, to tell you the truth, little warrior, neither do I.

But... I do know one marvelous thing we can do with rules.

I'm supposed to wait for Counselor Troi.

Exactly.

I'll bet you've never been to a colony of free spirits.

What do they do there?

Oh! Whatever they want.

Artists, philosophers, freethinkers, and people who don't quite fit other people's rules.

Personally, I come for the mud baths.

You-- oh, you're going to adore the mud baths.

Um...

( beeping )

Ah, computer.

I'm assuming that you have the Parallax Colony on Shiralea VI?

That program is available.

Oh, good.

Then, uh, run it for us, dear.

( gasps and laughs )

( laughs )

What's that?

A wind dancer. He stands guard.

You see, only those whose hearts are joyous may enter.

Aw...

Oh, come on.

Oh!

Fire sculptor. We'll chat with her later if you're not wearing anything flammable.

Hello. A few of us are just gathering together for our laughing hour.

Would you care to come laugh with us?

Actually, we were about to experience a mud bath.

Were you? What an idea. Bink!

My friends and I will join you.

One can always... laugh in the bath.

( laughing )

Do you ever drop one?

Oh, no. No, no, these are my worlds. I protect them.

I am a master of worlds, and they fly only as I wish.

( Lwaxana laughing )

Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh!

We are having guests for laughing hour.

Would you care to join us?

We'd love to.

No, thank you.

Yes. No.

Why do you always say no when I say yes?

I don't. You just did.

There you go again.

You're the most negative person.

Why are they arguing?

They're friends.

They love contradiction.

They thrive on challenge.

They flourish in conflict.

Then why are they friends?

Oh, well, who else you going to fight with if not your friends?

Hold!

What is the lesson for today?

Oh, damned if we know.

We're just here for some fun in a mud bath.

Every moment requires a purpose.

No, it doesn't.

Every purpose requires a plan.

He does this every day, usually while everyone's food is getting cold.

( yawning )

It's rather boring.

The higher... the fewer.

Well, that's a conversation stopper if I ever heard one.

WOMAN: And you're being stubborn.

MAN: I am not. You are.

I am not. Yes, you are.

I am not.

Excuse me.

If you're gonna argue, you should remember...

( in deep voice ): the higher... the fewer.

So... my little warrior wants to see more out of life than just fighting, eh?

Oh, the mind opens, and in creeps wisdom.

Alexander.

( muttering )

( door chimes )

Come.

Isn't Alexander supposed to be with you?

He didn't show up for his appointment.

I assumed he must still be here.

Computer, what is the location of Alexander Rozhenko?

Alexander Rozhenko is on Holodeck Two.

Is he there alone?

He is with Lwaxana Troi.

To all the creatures within us.

( laughing )

To all the creatures within us?

Well, of course.

Every one of us has a thousand different kinds of little people inside of us.

And some of them want to get out and be wild and some want to be sad or happy or inventive or even just go dancing.

That's why we all have so many different urges at different times.

And all those different little people inside of us?

We must never be afraid to take them with us wherever we go.

I mean, who knows when we may need one of them to pop up and rescue us from ourselves?

Ah, variety, my little Alex.

The great secret is not the variety of life, it's the variety of us.

Are we ready for the entertainment?

Yes. Bring on the entertainment.

Ah!

( exotic dance music playing )

TROI: Mother?

( gasps )

LWAXANA: Little one.

Mr. Woof, come. Join us.

Mother, I'm trying to help the boy learn the value of responsibility.

You're not helping by giving him a lot of mixed messages.

I exposed you to all sorts of mixed messages when you were that age.

You still turned out deadly dull.

What are you so worried about?

Among other things, his relationship with his father.

Oh!

No more holodeck, Mother.

Oh... Please.

Anyway, why aren't you all absorbed in your wedding plans?

It's only three days away.

I'm letting Mr. Homn handle all the mundane details.

He knows my tastes.

Mother...

Deanna, there is absolutely nothing to do, you nosy little girl.

Campio's already sent me his mother's wedding gown, which Mr. Homn is now altering for me.

Outside of that, there really isn't anything else...

Wedding gown? Mother, stop.

You're telling me you're not going to be naked at your own wedding?

Campio is from a different planet with different traditions.

He would not approve of a traditional Betazoid wedding, so I am happily adapting.

Now, it's as simple as that, and I need some tea.

I can't believe I'm hearing this from the heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed, holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx.

Oh! Oh, why can't I ever work this replicator?

Mother, I think it's time to talk about this mysterious marriage to a man you've never met.

Computer, some Jestral tea, please.

Oh, anyway, why shouldn't I get married if I choose to?

You make everything into such a mystery.

There is no mystery, Deanna, except about this Petrokian sausage.

The tea-- all I wanted was a cup of tea.

Oh, dear, I think your replicator's having a nervous collapse.

Oh...

A level-4 diagnostic of the food replication systems have failed to detect any faults in the orientation terminals.

That may be, but we've still got over 200 reports of malfunctioning replicators.

( beeping )

There's an energy fluctuation in one of the utility access corridors.

Well, we better look into it, whatever it is, before the captain decides to order dinner.

Yeah, Dash 6-4. Here we are.

Huh. Some kind of intermittent EM field pattern.

Give me a hand with that, will you, Data?

Well, there's no plasma leakage.

Just a little negative ion charging.

Oh, bad enough, having to wear anything at all to my own wedding, but this?!

( sighs )

Yeah, perhaps, uh, if we lower the bodice.

Oh.

Uh... raise the hemline, then.

What a constant joy you are.

( door chimes )

Oh-- oh, Mr. Homn...

LWAXANA: Alexander!

( chuckling ): Oh, my little warrior.

Come here. Come on.

Come... oh, give me a great big hug.

( sighs )

Now, you're not escaping another appointment, are you?

No, ma'am.

Oh, I suppose eventually we all have to live up to our obligations.

Ah... well, now, tell me.

What brings you here to brighten my day?

I wanted to say I'm sorry if I got you in any trouble.

Oh! Oh, that's very sweet, dear, but I really wasn't in any trouble... until I saw this dress.

Oh!

Ugly, isn't it?

What's it for?

I'm getting married.

Why?

You sure my daughter didn't send you?

Oh, just a joke.

People get married because, uh... because they want to spend their lives with someone.

Their whole life?

Uh-huh.

They must have to like that person a lot.

Well, if you're young and lucky, it will be someone you like a lot, yes.

( sighs )

And, uh... and if you're older...

Are you very old?

Uh...

Um...

I'm alone, Alex.

And when you do get older and can no longer pick and choose from whatever may come your way... then you, uh, then you do what we call a compromise.

It keeps you from being afraid.

We have traced the failure to a data net interface which routes replicator selections to the correct subprocessors.

When we opened the panel, we discovered that the interface had been transformed into a gelatinous material that we haven't been able to identify.

( alarm buzzes )

We have an intermittent failure of the inertial damping system.

Take us out of warp, Ensign.

Primary attitude control has failed.

We're going to secondary systems.

( alarm beeping )

We have lost helm control, sir.

Try a manual bypass of the damping systems.

Aye, sir.

Backup generators?

Coming on-line now.

How long before we regain attitude control?

We're almost there.

Ensign, put us back on course, but stay at impulse for now.

Did something hit us, Mr. Worf?

Negative, sir.

The inertial dampers shouldn't fail without kicking in the automatic bypass.

I want to know what went wrong.

Analysis in 30 minutes.

The same thing that happened to the replicator happened to the stabilizer.

The transfers in both systems were turned into this.

Some sort of corrosion?

We have not yet identified the substance, Commander.

Whatever it is, it looks like there's been a conversion process, transforming some of the metal into gelatinous residue.

But what caused it is a mystery.

The replicators and the stabilizers-- two totally unrelated systems.

Yes, sir, and we still don't know why the sensors didn't pick up the problems.

Let's run a mass spectrometer analysis and find out what this stuff is.

MAN: Transporter Room One to Captain Picard.

Minister Campio is beaming on board, sir.

I'll be right there.

The bridegroom.

Ah, Campio! My dear!

Your compatibility profile doesn't do you justice.

I, of course, am Lwaxana, and any introductory compliments you'd care to make will be happily received.

Indeed, Mrs. Troi.

You are even lovelier in person.

Oh, now that worked just fine.

Now, now, we don't wish to be too familiar at this early juncture.

Oh.

Forgive this tardiness. Ship's business.

Minister Campio, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise.

Welcome aboard.

I thank you and greet you with appreciation for permitting this wedding aboard your fine vessel.

Not at all, sir.

Campio, may I present my daughter?

Deanna Troi, meet... um, well, your future stepfather, come to think of it.

Oh, yes, if I recall the profile, you are the ship's counselor?

I am, sir.

And my escort, who need not be addressed in this company, Protocol Master Erko.

Uh, Campio, personally, I absolutely adore all the ostentation I can get, but, uh, hmm... protocol master?

I would not do you nor our benevolent hosts the disservice of failing to ensure that priorities are observed.

Oh, yes, yes. How very thoughtful.

After all, it would be unpardonable simply to abandon ourselves to the moment, would it not?

Oh, unpardonable.

Well, it looks like the only alloy common to both the replicator and the stabilizer is nitrium.

Computer, analyze the nitrium content of both the affected stabilizer and replicator.

There is no nitrium present in the affected stabilizer or replicator.

( sighs )

There is none present in the residue, either.

According to the mass spectrometer, the elements in the residue have been broken down into simpler molecular structures.

That would suggest the nitrium has been organically metabolized.

Maybe that's it, Data.

If a living organism ingested the nitrium...

This residue would be the waste left behind.

Well, if that's true-- if something's eating away at the nitrium on the ship, then that means that the dilithium chamber is vulnerable as well as the power transfer conduits.

We'd better get to engineering.

ALEXANDER: Ha!

Ha!

WORF: Eat, son.

Ha!

What are you doing? What is that noise?

Ha! It's my laughing hour.

Ha!

Ha! Ha!

That is enough, please.

It is your dinner hour.

Eat. Ha!

I promised to meet Mrs. Troi for another lesson in happy wisdom. Ha!

Will you stop doing that, please?

Ha!

Alexander, eat your food.

Wisdom will wait, I assure you.

I promised. Should I break my promise, Father?

A Klingon never breaks his word.

Where are you going?

You said no Klingon ever breaks his word.

I did not mean now. Now just sit down and eat.

I don't understand, Father. You're confusing me.

Understand later. Just eat.

Father...

The higher, the fewer.

I don't wish to be authoritative, my dear, but Master Erko says that now is our proper time for discussion of certain details.

Oh, well, I certainly don't want to be considered anti-Erko, dear, but I did promise Alexander one more holodeck trip.

Come along, my little love.

Surely there'll be other occasions for you to spend time with the boy.

Oh, my goodness, Campio.

You and I are going to have the rest of our lives.

I'll tell you what. I'll be back here with you in one hour exactly, all right?

Minister, the woman should not be addressing you in the familiar.

( gasps )

Mother, we have to talk.

Yes, we certainly do, dear, but not just now.

Well, how, um, how do I address him?

Mother, we've come for Alexander.

Please forgive the intrusion.

Preferably, he should be called by his ministerial title.

( laughs )

I'll remember.

Oh, um, Mr. Homn, uh, you make sure that everyone is-- is comfortable until we get back.

And especially the, um, uh, the minister here.

Now I'll be back-- one hour, darling. I'll see you then.

WORF: Mrs. Troi? Hmm?

It is Alexander's dinner hour.

Oh! Oh, how thoughtless of me.

I guess we'll just have to have a little picnic before our mud bath.

We have, uh, business to deal with here.

Leaving is simply not acceptable.

Oh, well, can't we just pretend that it's acceptable?

We'll be back. You are missing the point.

Alexander, you will return to our quarters and have dinner.

But we were going to go to the holodeck.

Mother, you're undermining every effort we're trying to make here.

Oh, don't be absurd. You poor dear!

Don't they ever let you change those colorless outfits?

It is essential that we begin a discussion of the wedding procedures now.

Oh, Minister, darling, perhaps you and the jerko here can come with us. Ah...

Lwaxana, this exceeds all boundaries.

Oh, well, a half hour, then. No longer, I promise.

Oh, uh, Mr. Homn? Your duties.

Counselor Troi, have you no influence?

Ha! Ha!

Lwaxana, if you will remain,

I may allow the boy to stay while...

Definitely not!

WORF: Definitely not.

My son is to return to quarters.

Nor may a servant be present during a prenuptial consultation.

Well, sir, I'm afraid even the bride won't be present for this one.

The dilithium chamber shows no anomalous readings.

So far, these transfer conduits are clean, too.

Hold on.

I'm getting something here.

There's a severe energy fluctuation in this access panel.

What happened?

Well, I was just juggling, and I happened to... catch one in my mouth.

It tasted good, so I ate it.

Before I knew it I'd eaten up every one of my worlds.

It never occurred to me that once they were gone,

I'd have nothing left to juggle.

If you ever have a world, plan ahead.

Don't eat it.

( chuckles )

Well, now! Almost time to get back.

Are you sad?

Of course not. I'm about to be a bride.

You know that man you're going to marry? Mm-hmm.

He would never come and take a mud bath, would he?

Oh, he might.

Probably not.

You know, maybe this would be a good time to get one of those little people that live inside of you to-- to come out and tell you what to do or help you or something.

Alexander, what are you talking about?

I'm sorry.

No.

No.

Don't you dare be sorry.

( sighs )

Wh-- what's wrong?

Uh, come along, Alexander.

Let's not leave everyone waiting for us.

Once we saw that photonic trail moving through the wall, we realized we must be dealing with a metal parasite of some kind.

We believe the parasites came through the ship's hull after we destroyed the asteroid near Tessen III.

Are they attacking anything other than nitrium alloy?

No, sir, not that we can tell.

But we've got nitrium everywhere-- the computers, the life support, the ventilation, the engines, even the dilithium chamber.

Mr. Data, the asteroid we destroyed-- that was rich in nitrium.

Aye, sir.

And that asteroid came from the Pelloris field.

If the rest of that field is rich in nitrium, it would make a natural feeding ground.

We should think about going back there.

The parasites could possibly be lured back to the asteroids for a meal that's more appealing than we are.

Mr. Data, how long to the field?

At warp nine, five hours, 20 minutes, sir.

Picard to bridge. Riker here, sir.

Set a course for the Pelloris asteroid field, warp nine.

Aye, sir.

Captain, with our sensors unable to detect the parasites, and given the speed with which they appear to be moving through the ship...

We may not have five hours, 20 minutes.

I'm aware of that. How can we slow them down?

In several cases, an exanogen gas barrier has been known to slow the progress of metal parasites.

They don't like cold, eh?

Make it so.

LA FORGE: The problem is finding them.

As soon as we spot an energy fluctuation, they've already consumed all the nitrium and would have moved on.

Primary power systems are going down.

I've rerouted to the secondary generators.

Inform the bridge. Mr. Data, with me.

Bridge.

Commander, do you have any suggestions as to how we could encourage the parasites to leave the ship once we reach the Pelloris field?

If we reconfigure a particle beam with a high concentration of nitrium and project it toward one of the asteroids...

Then they would follow the beam like a trail of bread crumbs.

Very well.

Turbolift velocity is beginning to fluctuate, Captain.

Computer, halt at next level.

Computer, acknowledge.

We have reached the bridge, sir.

( alarm wailing )

Report, Number One.

Ventilation and life support are failing at random spots all over the ship.

Captain, we have dropped to warp 5.7.

Picard to engineering. La Forge here.

What's happening, Mr. La Forge? We're losing speed.

The parasites must have gotten into the primary warp controllers, Captain.

I'm trying to do a bypass patch to isolate the backup controllers, but it looks like warp six is about the best

I'm going to be able to give you.

At that speed, Mr. La Forge, there won't be a ship left to reach the Pelloris field.

Well, do what you have to. Working on it, sir.

Captain, we are losing life support on Decks 11 and 12.

Mr. Worf, have security evacuate all personnel from those decks.

Aye, sir.

Engineering to bridge.

We've got warp 6.5, but I don't know how much more coaxing we can do here.

We need more speed than that, Commander.

The matter-antimatter injectors are failing.

I'm rerouting to secondary injector power now.

Watch the antimatter containment for any system failure.

Atmospheric systems are down 27%.

We're going below tolerable oxygen limits.

We must evacuate Decks 20 through 24, Captain.

Make it so.

Shut down life support to those decks.

Direct all evacuees to Decks nine and ten.

Divert emergency life support to those decks.

Aye, sir.

Time to asteroid field?

If we maintain our current speed, two hours, 23 minutes, sir.

Mr. Data, the rest of us may lose consciousness.

If we do, it will be your job to execute the plan as discussed.

Aye, sir.

COMPUTER: Structural integrity of the dilithium chamber is at 34%.

Estimated breach in one minute.

Computer, transfer power from warp engines to life support.

Transfer complete.

Activate Bussard collector.

Activated. Breach of dilithium chamber in 40 seconds.

Reconfigure hydrogen-plasma mixture to include 30% nitrium.

Mixture complete.

Project emitter beam, heading 042.021.

COMPUTER: Structural integrity of the dilithium chamber is at 28% and holding.

Mr. Data.

The plan was successful, sir.

Well done.

Mr. Worf, coordinate your teams with Dr. Crusher and Commander La Forge.

Assess damage and injury.

Aye, sir.

Captain's Log, Stardate 45733.6.

Temporary repairs to the ship have been completed.

Our attention now turns

to matters of a more festive nature.

( murmuring voices )

You'd think she'd at least get to her own wedding on time.

( door opens )

Minister! Minister!

This is infamous! Infamous!

We must leave immediately.

Ah... heavenly.

( chuckles )

Every pore in my body tingles with contentment.

( chuckles )

Isn't it wonderful how things worked out, Alexander?

I wanted to teach you how to grab the joys of living, and you turned around and, uh... and taught me to not let go of them.

How very mutual.

TROI: We still have to learn how to live in the real world, Mother-- all of us.

She's absolutely right, Alexander, but only when necessary.

( growling )

You're just supposed to sit here?