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Rascals

Captain's Log, Stardate 46235.7.

Ensign Ro, Keiko O'Brien, Guinan, and I are

returning to the Enterprise after a fascinating visit

to the planet Marlonia.

And these pieces I found on the tertiary level of the dig.

They're typical of second-century

Marlonian cookware.

Look at those markings.

They're very similar to early Taguan designs, but the patterns are more intricate.

They're much closer to Buranian than Taguan.

You're on the most beautiful planet in the quadrant, and you spent your entire shore leave in a cave?

It was a very rewarding experience.

Look at these fragments.

They're very nearly in perfect condition, and yet they're 700 years old.

So's my father.

Is that a draebidium froctus?

Um... actually, it's a draebidium calimus.

You can tell by the shape of the leaves.

I didn't know you were interested in plant biology.

I... took a class at the academy.

I don't remember very much, though.

WORF: Enterprise to Shuttlecraft Fermi.

This is the Fermi. Go ahead, Enterprise.

We have just received a distress signal from the Starfleet science team on Ligos VII.

Can you identify the problem?

No, sir-- the call was cut off in mid-transmission.

Lay in a course, and prepare to engage at warp eight as soon as we're on board. Aye, sir.

We'll rendezvous with the ship in three minutes, sir.

RO: we're caught in some sort of energy field.

Hard about. Full impulse. Aye, sir.

What's happening, Mr. Worf?

The shuttle has been enveloped by an energy field.

Its engines and life support have failed.

Increase to full impulse.

Bridge to Transporter Room Three.

Prepare to beam the shuttle crew back once we're in range.

O'BRIEN: Ready, sir.

I can't contact the Enterprise.

There's too much interference.

Transfer auxiliary power to inertial dampers.

COMPUTER: Warning, structural failure imminent.

Have you got them, O'Brien?

I'm trying, sir.

I can't get a pattern lock.

The shuttle is coming apart, Chief.

We've got to do it now.

I've got them.

There's a 40% drop in mass.

I may have lost one of them.

Thank you, Mr. O'Brien.

Another moment and...

Space, the final frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.

Its continuing mission--

to explore strange new worlds,

to seek out new life and new civilizations,

to boldly go where no one has gone before.

According to the bio-scans, their DNA structure is now consistent with those of preadolescents.

But as far as we can tell, only their bodies were changed.

Their individual intelligence and their behavioral responses are exactly the same as they were before the accident.

What happened to the shuttlecraft, Number One?

The shuttle broke up just after we beamed you out.

Mr. Data is coordinating the salvage efforts right now... sir.

What about the energy field that the shuttle passed through?

We're trying to scan it, but we're running into a lot of interference-- it's going to take some time.

PICARD: Well, we can't afford to stay here any longer.

We'll leave a class-4 probe behind to study the energy field, but the distress signal from Ligos VII has top priority.

Let me know as soon as you have any further information, Doctor.

Number One, you're with me.

Captain, I... need to run some additional tests.

Of course, the three of you will remain as needed to assist Dr. Crusher.

( sighs )

What?

You know, you make a pretty cute kid.

Great, just what I want to be-- cute.

Were you this much fun when you were a kid?

I was in a refugee camp.

"Fun" wasn't exactly in my vocabulary.

What about now?

You're not in that camp anymore.

Fun is being back at work in my own uniform.

Bridge.

Mr. Worf, prepare to launch a class-4 probe to study the energy field.

I realize how unusual this must seem.

My appearance is the result of an accident involving myself and three other crew members, the effects of which Dr. Crusher is currently working to remedy.

I assure you, I am captain Picard.

The probe, aye, sir.

Mr. Data, have you secured all of the shuttle debris?

Almost. It is being stored in Shuttle Bay Two... sir.

Very well.

Ensign, as soon as Mr. Data is finished, take us to Ligos at warp eight.

Captain, may I see you privately for a few moments?

Of course.

Tea, earl grey, hot.

Have you been able to determine the cause of our transformation?

Not yet. I'm still waiting for some test results.

I see.

There are 103 members of the science team on Ligos VII.

We should prepare Shuttle Bay Three for a triage center in case they have large numbers of casualties.

We'll be ready.

I see that Ligos VII is prone to periodic volcanic activity.

Perhaps the planet has entered an active phase.

Jean-Luc?

We need to talk.

All right, let's talk.

Are you here to relieve me of duty?

I'd rather not have to take that step.

I am still Jean-Luc Picard.

My judgment, my experiences, my mental capacities are all intact.

That's true... for now.

But this could be the first stage of a condition that may begin to affect your mind, as well.

But you see no evidence of that.

Not yet.

What I do know is that the captain of this ship has undergone an extreme physical transformation, the ultimate effects of which

I can't even begin to guess.

You are asking me to step down.

You are still Jean-Luc Picard.

What do you think you should do?

Commander Riker, please take command of the ship until further notice.

Understood.

So, what the hell am I supposed to do now?

You're not supposed to do anything.

That's what "relieved of duty" means.

Well, I should be doing something instead of just standing around, waiting for them to find a cure.

You're right. Let's go play.

What?

I haven't been young for a long time, and I intend to enjoy every minute of it.

Fine, enjoy yourself.

What are you going to do?

Go back to your room and pout?

I am not 12 years old.

If I wanna go to my quarters and contemplate my situation, that does not mean that I am "pouting."

Okay, okay.

I could use a... cup of coffee.

How about you?

I'll get it.

Two coffees, one with cream and sugar.

The other one... Black, double sweet.

I know.

One double sweet.

Careful, that's hot.

Miles...

Sorry.

What's wrong?

It's... I don't know, but this feels wrong somehow.

Miles Edward O'Brien, I am still your wife!

Well, technically, yes.

Technically?

No, I mean, of course you're my wife, but you're also ten years old.

Beverly said it's actually closer to 12.

Now, that's not the point.

So, what is the point?

Is our marriage over?

I didn't say that, but... well, until they find a way to reverse this... this effect... it's hard for me to ignore the fact that you're a little girl.

What if they can't find a way?

What if I'm like this for the rest of my life?

What does that mean for us?

For our family?

MOLLY: Mommy?

Mommy?

What's wrong, sweetheart?

I want Mommy to read me a story.

All right.

What story would you like to hear?

Not you. I want Mommy!

What if Daddy reads you a story tonight?

Will that be okay?

I'll be right back.

Keiko.

It's going to be all right.

I promise.

We'll work this out.

How?

I don't know.

First Officer's Log, supplemental.

The Enterprise has reached the Ligos system.

We have begun to search for the missing

Federation science team.

Dr. Crusher reports no progress

on a cure for the members of the shuttle crew.

( door chimes )

Come.

I came to see how you're doing.

Well, I'll have to speak to my tailor, but otherwise I'm well, thank you.

( sighs ) it's just so ridiculous.

I can't take myself seriously like this.

Counselor... if Dr. Crusher can't find a cure-- if I have to stay this way-- nobody's going to take me seriously, are they?

I would say the people that know you and have worked with you will be able to make the adjustment eventually.

But there are some people who would find it difficult to accept a 12-year-old captain.

In that case, I suppose I'll just have to wait until I grow up again before I get another command, which might be in ten, maybe 15 years.

The question is, what to do until then.

You're still a Starfleet captain.

I'm sure there are other assignments you could be given in the interim.

I've spent 30 years of my life aboard starships.

I'm not about to sit behind a desk now.

You could return to the academy, take another degree-- brush up on your Latin.

And be Wesley Crusher's roommate.

I will admit that returning to the Academy does have a certain appeal, but I've spent my life looking forward.

Going to the Academy again feels like looking backward.

Then perhaps you could spend the time exploring other interests.

Archaeology, for instance.

Leave Starfleet?

Not permanently. Just a sabbatical.

You could spend a few years crawling through caves and digging up artifacts and still have enough time to become the youngest admiral in Starfleet history.

It would give me a chance to take up Dr. Langford's offer and accompany her to the ruins on Suvin IV.

But to leave the Enterprise...

In a way, you're very lucky.

You might have a chance to do what most people can only dream about.

Have a second childhood without the pain of growing up again.

This is captain Picard's rybo-viroxic-nucleic structure from a tissue sample I took this morning.

It's the same as a sample I took before the accident, except it's missing several of the key viroxic sequences.

It's been a long time since I took genetics, Doctor.

RVN is one of the key factors in our development during puberty.

Unlike DNA, which never changes,

RVN takes on some additional viroxic sequences during adolescence.

Those sequences determine how we develop physically.

Without them, we wouldn't mature into adults.

Exactly.

Now somehow, those sequences were eliminated in the captain and the others during transport.

So, what do we do?

Well, we have a couple of options.

These are the plants

Keiko was carrying in the shuttle.

Whatever turned the crew into children turned these plants into seedlings.

I accelerated the growth on one of them, and it developed into a perfectly normal adult plant.

I don't suppose that would work with people?

No, but at least we know that if we do nothing at all, they will probably grow up just as they did before.

That's one option.

However, I do have the adult RVN patterns of all four of them.

I might be able to send them back through the transporter pattern buffer and replace the missing sequences.

No, but we can't even attempt to do that until we know why this happened in the first place.

If somehow they were to lose more viroxic sequences...

They would get even younger.

Chief, I got the sensor report on the shuttle breakup.

Looks like the breakup began near the starboard bulkhead.

There's some bulkhead fragments over here.

Hmm.

Well, my visor's picking up some... torsional stress damage, some micro-fractures...

Hang on a second.

What's this?

Looks like tritanium from the hull.

Yeah, but look.

That's not tritanium anymore.

Somehow the molecular structure of this alloy has been changed.

Broken down into its constituent elements.

Ah, no wonder the bulkhead shattered, huh?

Yeah, I want to get a sample of this down to engineering and run a metallurgical analysis.

( sighs )

Well, this is exciting.

Would you rather be playing with dolls?

I'd rather be doing almost anything other than sitting here and watching you sulk.

This isn't some kind of glorious second childhood, Guinan.

Our bodies have been violated-- changed.

Doesn't that bother you?

Sure, it bothers me, but at the moment

I can't do anything about it, so I might as well enjoy it.

Enjoy what?

Where did you get the idea that being short and awkward is some kind of wonderful gift?

There must have been some part of childhood that you didn't loathe.

Look, it was a long, depressing period of my life, and I was grateful when it was finally over.

I'd rather not relive it.

I bet you were a jumper.

A jumper, you know.

Someone who jumps up and down on furniture all the time.

What?

You were a jumper, all right.

The quiet ones-- they always look so innocent.

You think you can turn your back on them.

Next thing you know, bam!

They're bouncing on the bed.

That is the most ridiculous thing

I've ever heard.

Most of the time, I didn't even have a bed.

But you did have one sometimes, and I bet you jumped on it.

I most certainly did not.

Yeah, I can see it in your eyes.

You can barely resist the urge to leap up and start jumping around like a Tarkassian razorbeast.

Guinan.

Oh, yeah-- oh, yeah.

This is ridiculous!

That's right, and don't you dare join me, Ro Laren.

You don't like jumping on beds.

Oh, yeah?

I can jump higher!

( laughing )

We think the shuttle was caught in a molecular reversion field, which caused the structure of the ship to deteriorate.

When the field penetrated the hull, it also began to affect the shuttle's crew.

When I tried to beam them off,

I wasn't able to get a lock because the reversion field was masking part of the patterns.

If the transporter only registered part of the RVN patterns, that would explain why the key sequences are missing.

Exactly. With those key sequences missing, the transporter reconstructed them as children.

If they're right, would you be able to use the transporter to reverse the effects?

I think so.

As long as there's no reversion field to mask their patterns, we should be able to do it.

Chief, can you adjust the molecular imaging scanners to accept...?

WORF: Bridge to Commander Riker.

Go ahead. We are entering orbit around Ligos VII, sir.

On my way. We'll discuss this later.

( sighs )

Standard orbit, Ensign.

Any sign of the science team?

We've been scanning the area since we entered the system, but our readings are being disrupted.

Cause?

Extreme fluctuations in the electromagnetic field.

However, there is no evidence of stellar or seismic activity which would cause the interference.

Any response to our hails, Mr. Worf?

No, sir. I've been attempting to...

( console beeping )

Commander, two ships de-cloaking, fore and aft.

Klingon Birds-of-Prey-- B'rel-class.

RIKER: Maximum shields!

Take us out of orbit, Ensign.

Mr. Worf, prepare to return fire.

( alarm wailing )

Damage report.

We have lost primary life support.

Switching to secondary systems.

Lock phasers on target. Bearing to port.

Phasers locked.

Fire.

Minor damage to one ship.

Its shields are holding.

Starboard power coupling is down.

Warp engines are offline.

Shields?

Down to 13%.

Casualties reported on Deck 26 and 27.

Sensors and secondary generators are offline.

Life support down to 67%.

Engineering, status report.

Those last shots took out auxiliary power and emergency backup.

It's going to take at least an hour to get warp power back online.

We have lost shields, heavy casualties on Decks 35 through 40.

I am detecting transporter signatures in three cargo bays.

We are being boarded, sir.

Come with me.

Initiate intruder alert.

All security teams report to...

Put down your weapons.

Computer, deactivate all command functions.

Authorization: Riker omega three.

All command functions suspended.

This is Morta, we have secured the bridge.

Begin transporting all able-bodied adults to the surface.

Come on! Get up there.

Come on!

They have locked out the command functions.

You said they would not have time.

You led the assault team.

You were too slow.

You dare to blame me?

We have secured the ship, Daimon, but Morta's incompetence has denied us access to the...

My incompetence?! Daimon, you know...

Enough.

Where is the captain of this ship?

I'm in command of this vessel.

Who are you, and on whose authority do...?

I am Daimon Lurin, and I declare this ship to be a loss and open to claim according to the Ferengi salvage code.

You will cooperate with our salvage operations, or we will begin... executing your crew.

Is everyone all right?

No fatalities or injuries among the children.

The Ferengi have taken control of Main Engineering and Decks 23 through 37.

Well, we have to also assume that they've taken the bridge.

Captain, do you know what they've done with the younger children-- with my little girl?

Well, they're taking all the adults down to the surface.

Looks like they're keeping all the children on board the ship-- where was your daughter?

In primary care on Deck 14.

She's probably still there with the others.

I wouldn't worry.

We need to regain control of the ship.

Options?

We could flood the ship with anesthezine gas.

No, that's been locked out with the rest of the command functions.

If they're typical Ferengi, they're probably very pleased with themselves by now.

Maybe even getting a little overconfident.

Agreed, they might think they don't need as much of their crew to hold the ship.

We could use the element of surprise to give us a tactical advantage.

Tactical advantage?

Jean-Luc, look at your team for a minute.

We're children.

We can't just stay here while our ship is being commandeered.

I'm not suggesting that we do, but we can't act as if we were still adults.

Well, what do you suggest we do?

We look like children.

Maybe it's time we started acting like children.

Ahh... i hope your profit margin's pretty high for this little adventure, because you're risking war with the Federation.

We're not affiliated with the Ferengi alliance.

We are in business for ourselves.

Yes, it will be highly profitable.

For an investment of two surplus Klingon ships, a few repairs, and some weapons, we've netted a Federation starship and her crew, not to mention a planet rich in vendarite.

So, that's what this is all about.

What did you do with the science team that was on the surface?

They've proved most, uh... helpful in extracting the mineral.

You used them as slave laborers.

The addition of your crew will greatly speed up the process.

As for your ship...

I'm sure that it will fetch a handsome price on the Romulan market.

But before that can happen, we need to regain access to your central computer.

You don't really think I'm going to help you.

I think that the mines on Ligos VII can be very hazardous.

Now... how many people on your ship?

1,014.

Very hazardous, Commander.

Hello, I'm the classroom computer system.

What can I do for you today?

Computer, display interior security grid.

I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

Would you like to play a game?

No, I would not.

Computer, display an internal schematic diagram.

I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

Would you like to see some interesting plants or animals?

It's a child's computer, remember?

Computer, can you show me a picture of the inside of the Enterprise?

Yes, I can.

The Enterprise is a galaxy-class starship.

Do you know how to spell "Enterprise"?

"E-N-T-E-R...

Delete audio.

All right, this'll have to do.

We're here.

There's a service conduit that runs to here and then leads to a Jefferies tube here.

But you and Ensign Ro will still have to cross this corridor before you can get to Main Engineering.

Captain!

PICARD: Excellent.

Ready?

Make it so.

What the devil...?

I was just playing.

I'm sorry, Captain.

Alexander, would you mind if I borrowed your toy for a little while?

Go ahead. Thank you.

After you.

( door opens )

( electronic whirring )

I've got the phasers, Captain.

This is the first time these Jefferies tubes haven't seemed cramped.

How much farther do we have to go?

Oh, about 50 meters.

Don't tell me you're tired.

I'm not as young as I used to be.

( both laughing )

This is it-- Main Engineering.

Now we wait.

Report?

Mission accomplished, sir.

The one in Sick Bay never saw me.

Very good.

I'd say we're ready.

Have you figured out how to get to the bridge?

I'm afraid I can only think of one way.

What do you want?

I need to see my father.

Go back inside.

I need to see him right now.

Do not argue with me.

Go back inside.

I need to see him now!

Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!

Stop it! You hurt me!

I want my father! I want my father!

All right. Just stop that.

PICARD: Let me go!

Here he is.

Now be quiet.

What is going on?

Dad!

So, son, how are you?

I'm okay.

And how are your friends-- Keiko and Guinan and Ro?

They're okay, too.

But...

What's wrong?

Well, we don't have anything to do.

None of the games are working.

I know, the Ferengi made Daddy turn off the main computer.

Well, can't you just turn on the kid's computer in Schoolroom Eight?

We just want to play a few games.

I don't know if they'll let me, Jean-Luc, but I will ask.

Thanks, Number One.

He's my number-one dad.

CHILD 1: Here they come.

CHILD 2: shh!

( door closes ) How did it go?

Did Commander Riker get the message?

He understood.

We should have access very soon.

( door chimes )

Come in.

I understand your son was here to see you.

That's right.

We Ferengi do not bring our offspring along with us aboard ship.

Then I suppose that's your loss.

We consider our families one of our strengths.

I think you will find that they can also be a weakness.

Unless you release the computer to our control,

I will execute every child on this ship, beginning with yours.

Even you wouldn't be that cruel.

It is cruel to put children in danger by bringing them aboard a starship in the first place.

Ahh!

All right... just so you don't harm my son.

You will release the computer and show Morta exactly how to use it.

Ahh...

Computer, release command control, this station.

Authorization: Riker omega three.

Command functions restored.

Okay, Morta... the Enterprise computer system is controlled by three primary main processor cores, cross-linked with a redundant melacortz ramistat

14-kiloquad interface modules.

The core element... is based on an FTL nanoprocessor with 25 bilateral kelilactirals, with 20 of those being slaved into the primary heisenfram terminal.

Now, you do know what a bilateral kelilactiral is?

Well, of course I do, human.

I am not stupid.

No. Of course not.

This is the isopalavial interface, which controls the main firomactal drive unit.

Don't touch that.

You'll blow up the entire firomactal drive.

Oh, uh, wh-what...? Wait... uh... what is a-- a firomactal drive?

Well, just explain it to me.

That is the firomactal drive unit.

It controls the ramistat core and keeps the Ontarian manifold at 40,000 KRGs.

The firomactal drive is powered by...

Command lockout has been released.

Accessing transporter.

Weapons deactivation program is in place.

Transporter security force field standing by.

We're ready.

Tag! You're it!

( sighs )

Yes?

I found this in the schoolroom.

Is it yours?

Hmm...

That's all of them except for the two on the bridge.

Wait here until I return.

Yes, sir.

So, one more time, the ramistat kiloquad capacity is a function of the square root of the intermix ratio times the sum of the plasma injector quotient...

Oh!

( door chimes )

Come in.

I believe you're in my chair.

Captain's Log, Stardate 46236.3.

We have taken Lurin and his men into custody.

The Ferengi Alliance has quickly disavowed

any knowledge of these renegades.

With the mining operation closed,

and our crew back on board,

we can now turn our attention

to other problems.

Phase inducers activated.

Energy levels nominal.

I'm loading the adult patterns into the buffer.

Transposition matrix locked in.

That should do it, Captain.

Energize.

How do you feel?

I feel fine.

Everything... seems a little smaller.

It's my mother.

The funny thing is,

I never really drew a picture of her when I was young.

It's just... for some reason, I wanted to now.

Well, that's the wonderful thing about crayons.

They can take you to more places than a starship.

It's my turn, isn't it?

Only if you're ready.

It's not quite as bad as I remembered it.

Being a child, I mean.

Mmm.

Well... we better get going.

Well... what's the hurry?

I mean, the transporter will still be there.

Why don't you pass me the royal blue?

Yeah. Thank you.

Okay, we can use this one...

Did you do this one, too?

Uh-huh. I did all of them.

Oh.