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I, Mudd

MORNING, SIR,

DOCTOR.

SOMETHING WRONG?

YES. THERE'S SOMETHING ODD ABOUT THAT MAN,

AND I CAN'T QUITE PINPOINT IT.

PERHAPS YOU'RE MAKING A RATHER HASTY JUDGMENT.

MR. NORMAN HAS ONLY BEEN ABOARD 72 HOURS.

WELL, I KNOW WHEN SOMETHING DOESN'T STRIKE ME RIGHT,

AND HE DOESN'T.

SPECIFICS, DOCTOR.

LABELS DO NOT MAKE ARGUMENTS.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG ABOUT A MAN WHO NEVER SMILES,

WHOSE CONVERSATION NEVER VARIES

FROM THE ROUTINE OF THE JOB,

AND WHO WON'T TALK ABOUT HIS BACKGROUND.

I SEE.

SPOCK, I MEAN THAT IT'S ODD FOR A NON-VULCAN.

THE EARS MAKE ALL OF THE DIFFERENCE.

I FIND YOUR ARGUMENT STREWN

WITH GAPING DEFECTS IN LOGIC.

MAYBE, BUT YOU CAN'T EVALUATE A MAN BY LOGIC ALONE.

BESIDES, HE HAS AVOIDED TWO APPOINTMENTS

THAT I'VE MADE FOR HIS PHYSICAL EXAM WITHOUT REASON.

THAT'S NOT AT ALL SURPRISING, DOCTOR.

HE'S PROBABLY TERRIFIED

OF YOUR BEADS AND RATTLES.

COMMAND PERSONNEL ONLY.

YES, MR. SULU?

THERE'S AN UNPLANNED COURSE CHANGE

BEING FED INTO THE INSTRUMENTS, SIR.

CORRECT IT.

I CAN'T, SIR.

AUXILIARY CONTROL, THIS IS THE CAPTAIN.

AUXILIARY CONTROL, WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE?

SIR, AUXILIARY CONTROL IS ON TOTAL OVERRIDE.

KIRK TO SECURITY.

SECURITY. LIEUTENANT ROWE HERE, SIR.

INTRUDER ALERT--

DECK EIGHT, AUXILIARY CONTROL.

ACKNOWLEDGED.

LIEUTENANT UHURA,

HAVE MR. SPOCK REPORT TO THE BRIDGE.

AYE, SIR.

WHAT'S THE IMPOSED COURSE, MR. SULU?

TURNING ON 307 DEGREES, MARK 8.

BEING EXECUTED NOW, SIR.

TAKE CARE OF HIM.

SECURITY TO CAPTAIN KIRK.

KIRK HERE.

LIEUTENANT ROWE, SIR. I'M IN AUXILIARY CONTROL.

ENSIGN JORDAN'S BEEN KNOCKED OUT.

THE DIRECTIONAL MASTER CONTROLS HAVE BEEN JAMMED.

THEY'RE TOTALLY UNWORKABLE.

ANY SIGN OF THE INTRUDER?

NO, SIR. HE'S GONE.

I'VE PUT OUT A FULL SECURITY ALERT ON ALL DECKS.

FIND HIM. KIRK OUT.

MR. SPOCK, WE SEEM TO BE TAKING AN UNSCHEDULED RIDE.

INTERESTING.

MR. SULU, CUT AN EMERGENCY MANUAL MONITOR.

I WANT THE OVERRIDE BROKEN.

SIR, THE INSTRUMENTS WON'T RESPOND.

EMERGENCY MANUAL MONITOR, REPORT.

THIS IS CAPTAIN KIRK. ACKNOWLEDGE.

EMERGENCY MANUAL MONITOR, THIS IS THE CAPTAIN.

REPORT.

HERE, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED--

ACKNOWLEDGE. THIS IS THE CAPTAIN.

SCOTTY, ACKNOWLEDGE.

SCOTTY, WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE?

KIRK TO ENGINEERING.

THIS IS THE CAPTAIN. SCOTTY, REPORT.

SCOTTY, THE INTRUDER'S IN YOUR AREA.

WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE? SCOTTY?

CAPTAIN, HE'S HERE.

SCOTTY!

SCOTTY?

SCOTTY?

SECURITY, THE INTRUDER'S IN THE ENGINEERING SECTION.

HAVE ALL UNITS CONVERGE ON THAT POINT.

SIR, WE'RE PICKING UP SPEED. WARP 5...6... WARP 7, SIR.

CUT POWER.

I CAN'T, SIR. ALL THE CONTROLS ARE JAMMED.

SPOCK, TAKE OVER.

IT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY, CAPTAIN.

TELL SECURITY WE'VE FOUND THE INTRUDER.

YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, MISTER?

I AM IN TOTAL CONTROL OF YOUR SHIP.

I HAVE CONNECTED THE MATTER-ANTIMATTER PODS

TO THE MAIN NAVIGATIONAL BANK.

A TRIGGER RELAY IS NOW IN OPERATION.

ANY ATTEMPTS TO ALTER COURSE

WILL RESULT IN THE IMMEDIATE DESTRUCTION OF THIS VESSEL.

SPOCK?

CONFIRMED, CAPTAIN.

HE'S TAKEN OUT ALL THE OVERRIDE CONTROLS.

IF WE TAMPER WITHOUT KNOWING

WHERE THE TRIGGER RELAY IS,

WE COULD EXTINGUISH OURSELVES.

WHO ARE YOU?

I ASSURE YOU,

WE ARE NO THREAT TO HUMANITY

OR HUMANOID LIFE.

WE MEAN YOU NO HARM,

BUT WE REQUIRE YOUR SHIP.

YOU REQUIRE--

WHO AND WHAT ARE "WE"?

SPACE--THE FINAL FRONTIER.

THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE STARSHIP "ENTERPRISE."

ITS 5-YEAR MISSION--

TO EXPLORE STRANGE NEW WORLDS,

TO SEEK OUT NEW LIFE AND NEW CIVILIZATIONS,

TO BOLDLY GO

WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.

AN ANDROID.

AND MOST SOPHISTICATED.

I CONTROL THE TRIGGER RELAY, SIR.

I CANNOT BE OVERCOME BY PHYSICAL MEANS,

AND IF YOU ATTEMPT TO USE YOUR PHASERS,

THE TRIGGER RELAY WILL BE ACTIVATED.

WE SHALL CONTINUE ON OUR PRESENT COURSE

FOR APPROXIMATELY 4 SOLAR DAYS,

AT WHICH TIME WE SHALL ARRIVE

AT OUR DESTINATION.

WHO SENT YOU?

I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO RESPOND IN THAT AREA.

HE APPEARS TO HAVE TURNED HIMSELF OFF, CAPTAIN.

AND SINCE WE CANNOT REPAIR THE DAMAGE HE HAS DONE

WITHOUT DESTROYING THE SHIP--

IT SEEMS WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE TRIP.

CAPTAIN'S LOG. STARDATE 4513.3.

AFTER HAVING BEEN TAKEN OVER BY AN ANDROID,

THE "ENTERPRISE" HAS BEEN UNDERWAY AT WARP 7

FOR 4 DAYS.

NOW WE ARE ENTERING ORBIT AROUND A PLANET

WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN CHARTED.

CAPTAIN KIRK.

THE FOLLOWING INDIVIDUALS

WILL BE TRANSPORTED DOWN TO OUR PLANET--

YOURSELF,

SCIENCE OFFICER,

MEDICAL OFFICER,

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER,

AND NAVIGATOR.

ANY MEETINGS OR DISCUSSIONS

CAN BE HELD ABOARD THE "ENTERPRISE."

IF YOU DO NOT COME WITH ME,

YOUR ENGINES WILL BE DESTROYED

AND YOU WILL REMAIN IN ORBIT HERE

FOREVER.

I MUST SAY, THAT'S A GRACIOUS INVITATION.

THERE IS A WORD.

AMONG US THERE IS NO CORRESPONDING MEANING,

BUT IT SEEMS TO MEAN SOMETHING

TO YOU HUMANS.

AND WHAT IS THAT WORD?

PLEASE.

OUR PLANET'S SURFACE

IS WHAT YOU CLASSIFY AS K-TYPE--

ADAPTABLE FOR HUMANS BY USE OF PRESSURE DOMES

AND LIFE-SUPPORT SYSTEMS.

I HAVE BROUGHT THEM.

HE IS WAITING.

IF YOU WILL FOLLOW US, PLEASE?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WELCOME ABOARD, KIRK.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, EH?

HARRY MUDD.

WELL, TO BE ABSOLUTELY ACCURATE, LADDIE BUCK,

YOU SHOULD REFER TO ME AS MUDD THE FIRST,

RULER OF THIS ENTIRE SOVEREIGN PLANET.

RULER?

HARRY, I WANT CONTROL OF MY SHIP RETURNED IMMEDIATELY.

WE HAVE NO INTENTION OF STAYING AS YOUR GUESTS.

WELL, I'M AFRAID THERE'S A BIT OF A PROBLEM THERE.

KIRK TO "ENTERPRISE."

ALICE...

KIRK TO "ENTERPRISE."

NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, JAMIE BOY,

LET'S HAVE NO UNAUTHORIZED COMMUNICATIONS.

YOU KNOW THIS MAN, CAPTAIN?

OH, DO I KNOW HIM.

HARCOURT FENTON MUDD-- THIEF...

OH, COME NOW.

SWINDLER AND CON MAN...

ENTREPRENEUR.

LIAR AND ROGUE.

DID I LEAVE YOU WITH THAT IMPRESSION?

HE BELONGS IN JAIL, WHICH IS WHERE

I THOUGHT I LEFT YOU, MUDD.

AND THEREBY HANGS A TALE,

BUT LOOK AROUND YOU, KIRK.

QUITE A PLACE HERE, ISN'T IT?

I HOPE YOU'RE ALL GOING TO ENJOY IT.

MUDD, I WANT THAT TRAINED MACHINE OF YOURS

NORMAN TO DEACTIVATE THE TRIGGER MECHANISM

AND FREE MY SHIP.

I SHALL DO THAT, KIRK, WHEN I'M READY.

I'M TELLING YOU NOW.

AND I DO THE TELLING ON THIS PLANET, KIRK, OLD BOY.

YOU DO THE LISTENING.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL LISTEN.

WHAT ARE YOU TELLING?

OOH! MERELY THAT YOU MIGHT AS WELL

START ENJOYING YOURSELVES.

IT'S REALLY A VERY, VERY NICE PLACE,

AND YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE HERE

QUITE PROBABLY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES.

HA HA HA HA!

HARRY MUDD, LIAR AND AN OUTLAW AND IN DEEP TROUBLE.

I WANT NAVIGATIONAL CONTROL RESTORED, MY SHIP RELEASED.

SORRY. THAT WOULD BE AGAINST THE LAW, MY LAW,

DECREED BY MUDD THE FIRST,

VOTED IN BY THE RESIDENT POPULATION.

HEH HEH HEH.

LOVELY, AREN'T THEY?

YOU MUST ADMIT, KIRK, THAT I STILL RETAIN MY EYE FOR BEAUTY.

I DECREED THAT I SHOULD ALWAYS BE SURROUNDED BY IT,

AND MY DECREES ALWAYS COME TO PASS.

I'VE HAD 500 OF THEM MADE UP TO ATTEND ME...

ALL OF THEM IDENTICAL--

BEAUTIFUL...

COMPLIANT...

OBEDIENT.

500 OF THE SAME MODEL?

THAT SEEMS RATHER REDUNDANT.

I HAVE A FONDNESS

FOR THIS PARTICULAR MODEL, MR. SPOCK,

WHICH YOU, UNFORTUNATELY,

ARE ILL-EQUIPPED TO APPRECIATE.

UH, TA TA TA TA.

[SNICKERING]

ALL RIGHT, HARRY, EXPLAIN.

HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

WE LEFT YOU IN CUSTODY

AFTER THAT AFFAIR ON THE RIGEL MINING PLANET.

YES. WELL, I ORGANIZED A TECHNICAL INFORMATION SERVICE--

BRINGING MODERN INDUSTRIAL TECHNIQUES

TO BACKWARD PLANETS,

MAKING AVAILABLE CERTAIN VALUABLE PATENTS

TO STRUGGLING YOUNG CIVILIZATIONS THROUGHOUT THE GALAXY.

DID YOU PAY ROYALTIES

TO THE OWNERS OF THOSE PATENTS?

UH...

WELL, ACTUALLY, KIRK,

AS A DEFENDER OF THE FREE ENTERPRISE SYSTEM,

I FOUND MYSELF IN A--

IN A RATHER AMBIGUOUS CONFLICT

AS A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE.

HE DID NOT PAY ROYALTIES.

KNOWLEDGE, SIR, SHOULD BE FREE TO ALL.

WHO CAUGHT YOU?

THAT, SIR, IS AN OUTRAGEOUS ASSUMPTION.

YES. WHO CAUGHT YOU?

I, UH...I SOLD THE DENEBIANS ALL THE RIGHTS

TO A VULCAN FUEL SYNTHESIZER.

AND THE DENEBIANS CONTACTED THE VULCANS.

HOW'D YOU KNOW?

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE.

WELL, IT'S TYPICAL POLICE MENTALITY.

THEY'VE GOT NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

THEY ARRESTED ME.

OH, I FIND THAT SHOCKING.

WORSE THAN THAT.

DO YOU KNOW THE PENALTY FOR FRAUD IS ON DENEB 5?

THE GUILTY PARTY HAS HIS CHOICE--

DEATH BY ELECTROCUTION, DEATH BY GAS,

DEATH BY PHASER, DEATH BY HANGING--

THE KEY WORD IN YOUR ENTIRE PERORATION, MR. SPOCK,

WAS...D-DEATH.

BARBARIANS.

WELL, OF COURSE, I LEFT.

HE BROKE JAIL.

I BORROWED TRANSPORTATION.

HE STOLE A SPACESHIP.

THE PATROL REACTED IN A HOSTILE MANNER.

THEY FIRED AT HIM.

THEY'VE GOT NO RESPECT FOR PRIVATE PROPERTY.

THEY DAMAGED THE BLOODY SPACESHIP.

WELL, I GOT AWAY,

BUT I COULDN'T NAVIGATE,

SO I WANDERED OUT THROUGH UNMAPPED SPACE,

AND--AND HERE I FOUND...

MUDD.

YOU WENT TO SUBSTANTIAL RISK AND EFFORT

TO BRING A STARSHIP HERE.

LOGICALLY, YOU MUST HAVE A COMPELLING MOTIVE.

SPOCK, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT HERE.

THEY ALL TALK JUST THE WAY YOU DO.

GET ON WITH IT, HARRY.

YES, WELL, RIGHT, LADDIE BUCK.

SO HERE I AM IN A PLANET

WITH OVER 200,000 HARD-WORKING, HAPPY ANDROIDS,

ALL OF WHOM EXIST MERELY TO SERVE MY EVERY...

WHIM.

IT'S ABSOLUTE...PARADISE.

THEN I AM UNABLE TO DISCERN YOUR PROBLEM.

THEY WON'T LET ME GO.

THEY WANT TO STUDY ME.

THEY WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HUMAN BEINGS.

THEY PICKED A FINE REPRESENTATIVE.

WATCH YOUR TONGUE, LAD.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MUDD THE FIRST.

WELL, ANYWAY,

I RAN OUT OF IDEAS.

I SIMPLY RAN OUT OF THINGS

FOR THEM TO DO,

AND THEY INSISTED

THAT I BRING THEM MORE HUMAN BEINGS.

THEY NEED HUMAN BEINGS TO SERVE, TO STUDY.

SO I HAD TO PROMISE THEM A PRIME SAMPLE.

A STARSHIP CAPTAIN--

BRIGHT, LOYAL,

FEARLESS, AND IMAGINATIVE.

ANY CAPTAIN WOULD HAVE DONE.

I WAS JUST LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET YOU.

SO YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER FOR ME HERE,

AND I GET OFF THIS ROCK AND BACK TO CIVILIZATION.

I THINK NOT, HARRY.

YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME, LAD.

I'M NOT ASKING YOU. I'M TELLING YOU.

YOU'VE NO CHOICE.

SHOW THEM TO THEIR QUARTERS.

- YES, MY LORD MUDD. - YES, MY LORD MUDD.

THIS WAY, PLEASE.

HARRY, WHAT'S THIS?

AH.

THAT, GENTLEMEN, IS A SHRINE

TO THE MEMORY OF MY BELOVED STELLA.

WHO?

STELLA, MY WIFE.

DEAD?

OH, NO, NO, NO. MERELY DESERTED.

YOU SEE, GENTLEMEN, BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN

THERE IS A WOMAN URGING HIM ON.

AND SO IT WAS WITH MY STELLA.

SHE URGED ME ON INTO OUTER SPACE.

NOT THAT SHE MEANT TO,

BUT WITH HER CONTINUAL, ETERNAL,

CONFOUNDED NAGGING--

WELL, I THINK OF HER CONSTANTLY,

AND EVERY TIME I DO I GO FURTHER OUT INTO SPACE.

THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.

YOU LEAVE YOUR WIFE

AND THEN BRING HER ALONG.

I HAD THE ANDROIDS CONSTRUCT A PERFECT REPLICA OF STELLA

SO THAT I COULD GAZE UPON HER

AND REJOICE IN HER ABSENCE.

GENTLEMEN, ATTEND.

STELLA, DEAR.

MM, HARCOURT.

HARCOURT FENTON MUDD, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

NOTHING GOOD, I'M SURE.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU,

YOU LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING--

SHUT UP.

NOTHING... THING...THING...

HA HA HA! MARVELOUS, ISN'T IT?

I FINALLY HAVE THE LAST WORD WITH HER

AND WITH YOU.

YOU WILL FIND THIS QUITE COMFORTABLE.

YOUR QUARTERS ARE DOWN THE HALL.

IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU NEED...

YES, MY SHIP.

WE ARE NOT PROGRAMMED TO RESPOND

IN THAT AREA.

NORMAN, WHO CREATED YOU?

THE MAKERS DESIGNED US.

THEY CAME FROM THE GALAXY OF ANDROMEDA.

THEN YOUR MAKERS WEREN'T HUMANOIDS.

THEY WERE, AS YOU SAY, QUITE HUMANOID,

BUT, UNLIKE YOUR CIVILIZATION,

ROBOTS WERE COMMON.

WE PERFORMED THE NECESSARY SERVICE FUNCTIONS

AND FREED OUR MAKERS

TO EVOLVE A PERFECT SOCIAL ORDER.

WHAT BECAME OF THEM?

OUR HOME PLANET'S SUN BECAME A NOVA.

ONLY A FEW EXPLORATORY OUTPOSTS SURVIVED.

THIS UNIT,

MYSELF,

WAS PART OF ONE SUCH OUTPOST

IN YOUR GALAXY.

THEN SOME OF YOUR MAKERS SURVIVED.

NO, CAPTAIN.

THEY DIED OVER THE STRETCH OF TIME.

WHOM DO YOU SERVE NOW?

- WE SERVE HARRY MUDD. - WE SERVE HARRY MUDD.

HE HAS GIVEN US PURPOSE AGAIN.

IT IS NECESSARY TO HAVE PURPOSE.

WE LACKED IT FOR A LONG TIME.

WE HAVE A VERY EXTENSIVE LIBRARY SECTION

FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT.

OUR RESEARCH LABORATORIES AND WORKSHOPS

ARE EXTREMELY WELL-EQUIPPED.

- YOU ARE FREE TO VISIT THEM. - YOU ARE FREE TO VISIT THEM.

ALL RIGHT. WE MIGHT LATER.

IN THE MEANTIME, WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING US?

- WHY SHOULD WE LEAVE YOU? - WHY SHOULD WE LEAVE YOU?

BECAUSE WE DON'T LIKE YOU.

NOW... BUP BUP BUP.

WELL, OPINIONS?

I THINK WE'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

THAT'S A GREAT HELP, MR. CHEKOV.

BONES?

WELL, I THINK MR. CHEKOV'S RIGHT.

WE ARE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

SPOCK--AND IF YOU SAY WE'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE--

WE ARE.

AND WE MUST DIRECT OUR ATTACK

TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER.

OBVIOUSLY, THIS MANY ANDROIDS

CANNOT OPERATE INDEPENDENTLY.

THERE MUST BE A CENTRAL CONTROL SYSTEM

WHICH GUIDES THE ENTIRE ANDROID POPULATION.

TRY AND FIND IT. THE REST OF YOU,

LOOK AROUND. LEARN EVERYTHING YOU CAN.

I'LL SEE WHAT ELSE I CAN FIND OUT FROM MR. MUDD. LET'S GO.

I TRUST YOU ARE ENJOYING YOURSELF, MR. SPOCK.

VERY INTERESTING.

VERY INTERESTING.

THIS IS A MOST UNUSUAL DEVICE.

IT IS OUR CENTRAL CONTROL COMPLEX.

OH?

DID I UNDERSTAND

THERE ARE MORE THAN 200,000 OF YOU?

207,809.

THIS WOULD SEEM TO BE A SIMPLE RELAY CENTER.

ARE ALL OF YOU CONTROLLED THROUGH THIS DEVICE?

[BEEPING]

I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO RESPOND IN THIS AREA.

OH, THAT'S... QUITE UNDERSTANDABLE.

THESE ARE OUR BARBARA SERIES.

THE BODY IS COVERED WITH A SELF-RENEWING PLASTIC

OVER A SKELETON OF BERYLLIUM-TITANIUM ALLOY.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

I SHOULD SAY SO.

WELL, I MUST SAY I LIKE THE STYLING.

THEY WERE, OF COURSE,

MADE TO MY PERSONAL SPECIFICATIONS,

AS INDEED WERE THE MAIZIE SERIES,

THE TRUDY SERIES,

AND PARTICULARLY THE ANNABELLE SERIES.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE IN MALE ANDROIDS, HARRY?

MALE?

WELL, I SUPPOSE THEY HAVE THEIR USES.

HOW LONG DOES A BODY LIKE THAT LAST?

NONE OF OUR ANDROID BODIES HAS EVER WORN OUT.

HOWEVER, THE ESTIMATED DURATION OF THIS MODEL

IS 500,000 YEARS.

500,000...YEARS?

OUR MEDI-ROBOTS ARE ABLE TO PLACE A HUMAN BRAIN

WITHIN A STRUCTURALLY COMPATIBLE ANDROID BODY.

IMMORTALITY...

AND ETERNAL BEAUTY.

HMM?

CAPTAIN, I'VE JUST HAD A MOST FASCINATING MEETING WITH NORMAN,

AND I'M CONVINCED THAT I'VE DISCOVERED

A VERY IMPORTANT INCONSISTENCY.

WELL, I'M SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT, DOCTOR.

JIM, YOU SHOULD SEE THE RESEARCH FACILITIES.

THEY'VE GOT A LAB DOWN THERE THAT...

WELL, I COULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE STUDYING IT.

I DO SO ADMIRE A MAN

WHO DEVOTES HIMSELF TO KNOWLEDGE.

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD, BONES.

NOBODY'S STAYING ANYWHERE.

STUBBORN, KIRK. STUBBORN.

I WOULDN'T BE BORED, I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

LET GO OF ME! NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING...

THE LAST ONE, LORD.

SPLENDID. SPLENDID.

WELCOME TO MUDD, MR. SCOTT.

HARRY MUDD!

OH, YOU BOGUS FRAT, YOU.

YOU'RE THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS, ARE YOU?

SCOTTY, YOU WERE ORDERED TO STAY ABOARD.

AYE, SIR, AND I STAYED UNTIL THAT FEMALE GARGANTUA

THREW ME INTO THE TRANSPORTER BEAMS.

WHAT DOES SHE MEAN, THE LAST ONE?

OH, DIDN'T I TELL YOU, KIRK?

I BEAMED A FEW DOZEN ANDROIDS UP TO YOUR SHIP.

THEY'VE BEEN SENDING YOUR CREW TO THE SURFACE FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF HOURS.

THEY'RE ALL DOWN NOW.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

YOU CAN'T BEAM DOWN AN ENTIRE CREW OF A SPACESHIP.

SOMEBODY HAS TO BE ON BOARD.

WELL, THERE IS AN ENTIRE CREW ABOARD--

AN ENTIRE CREW OF ANDROIDS.

THEY LEARN VERY QUICKLY, CAPTAIN.

THE FACT IS...

I'VE TAKEN OVER YOUR WHOLE SHIP.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

HARRY...

HARRY, YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT.

[GASPING]

WELL, WHO'S TO STOP ME?

STARFLEET.

BUT NOW, CAPTAIN, NOW I HAVE A SHIP OF MY OWN,

AND IT'S AS FAST AS ANY IN THE FLEET.

SO HOW WILL THEY CATCH ME, EH?

JUST THINK OF IT, LADDIE BUCK.

HARRY MUDD WITH HIS OWN CREW OF LOVELIES

ABOARD YOUR VESSEL.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

I'M TRYING NOT TO.

ALICE.

HE COULD SUCCESSFULLY ACCOMPLISH IT, CAPTAIN.

I'VE QUESTIONED A NUMBER OF THE ANDROIDS,

AND THEY ARE TOTALLY LOYAL TO MUDD.

PERHAPS OF MORE CONCERN

IS THE FACT THAT THIS ANDROID POPULATION

CAN LITERALLY PROVIDE

ANYTHING A HUMAN BEING COULD ASK FOR

IN UNLIMITED QUANTITY.

YES, I KNOW. THAT'S WHAT WORRIES ME.

HOW WILL MY CREW REACT IN A WORLD

WHERE THEY CAN HAVE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THEY WANT

SIMPLY BY ASKING FOR IT?

- YOU DESIRE SOMETHING, LORD? - YOU DESIRE SOMETHING, LORD?

OH, YES, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE ALICE, UH...

- 118. - 118...

AND YOU'RE ALICE, UH...

- 322. - 322.

OH, WELL, IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE.

YOU'RE BOTH LOVELY.

- THANK YOU, MY LORD. - THANK YOU, MY LORD.

YOU DESIRE SOMETHING ELSE, LORD?

WHAT A SHAME YOU'RE NOT REAL.

WE ARE REAL, MY LORD.

OH, I MEAN REAL GIRLS.

WE ARE PROGRAMMED TO FUNCTION

AS HUMAN FEMALES, LORD.

YOU ARE?

- YES, MY LORD. - YES, MY LORD.

HARRY MUDD PROGRAMMED YOU?

- YES, MY LORD. - YES, MY LORD.

THAT UNPRINCIPLED, EVIL-MINDED,

LECHEROUS KULAK HARRY MUDD PROGRAMMED YOU?

- YES, MY LORD. - YES, MY LORD.

THIS PLACE IS EVEN BETTER THAN LENINGRAD.

ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.

HAND-WORKED TO THE FINEST TOLERANCES,

MICROVISION, AND A NANOPULSE LASER.

I'VE NEVER SEEN HER LIKE BEFORE.

YOU MAY COMMAND US TO MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOU

OR DO THE WORK YOURSELF FOR PLEASURE.

YOU MAY HAVE THE SERVICES OF ANY NUMBER

OF CRAFTSMEN,

EXCLUSIVE USE OF THE COMPUTER FACILITIES,

ANYTHING.

CAPTAIN, YOU SHOULD SEE THIS SHOP.

WHY, THEY HAVE FACILITIES WE'VE NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF.

IS THAT THE WAY YOU'RE GONNA DO IT, MUDD?

HIT MY PEOPLE AT THEIR WEAKEST POINT?

WE ONLY WISH TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE, CAPTAIN.

IF WE ARE TO SERVE YOUR KIND,

WE MUST UNDERSTAND YOU.

OUR LORD HARRY MUDD

WAS ONLY ONE EXAMPLE FOR US.

NOW WE ARE LEARNING A GREAT DEAL FROM ALL OF YOU.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE ARE, BIRDS IN A GILDED CAGE.

QUESTION IS, HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE?

I DON'T KNOW, SIR.

BUT IT'S A VERY NICE GILDED CAGE.

Uhura: AND IT IS A VERY PLEASANT PLACE, CAPTAIN.

Scotty: WHAT DID THEY OFFER YOU, UHURA?

OH, NOTHING REALLY IMPORTANT,

JUST IMMORTALITY.

ALL RIGHT. WE'RE GETTING BACK TO THE SHIP,

AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

STRAIGHTEN UP!

THIS MAY BE A GILDED CAGE

FILLED WITH EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED, BUT IT'S STILL A CAGE.

WE DON'T BELONG HERE.

WE BELONG ON THAT SHIP UP THERE.

DO YOU REQUIRE SOMETHING, LORD?

NO. YES!

MY SHIP.

I AM NOT PROGRAMMED...

"TO RESPOND IN THAT AREA." YES, I KNOW.

IS THERE ANYTHING ANY OF YOU REQUIRE TO PLEASE YOU?

ALICE...

GIVE US BACK OUR SHIP TO PLEASE US.

RETURN US TO OUR SHIP

BECAUSE WE DESIRE IT.

WE ARE PROGRAMMED TO SERVE.

WE SHALL SERVE YOU TO YOUR BEST INTERESTS

TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

BUT WE'RE UNHAPPY HERE.

PLEASE EXPLAIN UNHAPPY.

UNHAPPINESS IS THE STATE WHICH OCCURS IN THE HUMAN

WHEN WANTS AND DESIRES ARE NOT FULFILLED.

WHICH WANTS AND DESIRES OF YOURS ARE NOT FULFILLED?

WE WANT THE "ENTERPRISE."

[BEEPING]

THE "ENTERPRISE" IS NOT A WANT OR A DESIRE.

IT IS A MECHANICAL DEVICE.

NO. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LADY,

AND WE LOVE HER.

[BEEPING]

ILLOGICAL. ILLOGICAL.

ALL UNITS RELATE. ALL UNITS.

NORMAN, COORDINATE.

[STEADY BEEP]

UNHAPPINESS DOES NOT RELATE.

WE MUST STUDY THIS.

INTERESTING.

FASCINATING.

BONES, HAVE YOU HAD TIME TO TAKE

ANY PSYCHOLOGICAL READINGS OF THE ANDROIDS?

I DID, AND YOU CAN FORGET IT.

THEY'RE PERFECT, FLAWLESS,

MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

NO WEAKNESSES, PERFECTLY DISCIPLINED,

NO VICES, NO FEARS, NO FAULTS,

JUST A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

BELIEVE ME. THERE'S NOTHING TOUGHER TO OVERCOME,

EVEN AMONG HUMANS.

YES. THAT'S WHAT THIS CREW NEEDS,

A LITTLE SENSE OF PURPOSE.

MUDD, A FEW QUESTIONS I WANT TO ASK YOU.

OOH! AFRAID I WON'T HAVE TIME TO ANSWER THEM.

MY BAGS ARE ALL PACKED.

THE ANDROIDS WILL TAKE THE "ENTERPRISE"

OUT OF ORBIT IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS,

BUT IT'S BEEN A REAL PLEASURE HAVING YOU HERE, KIRK.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET FOR YOU?

YES. MY SHIP.

OH, YOU'RE A STUBBORN FELLOW, AREN'T YOU?

BUT I DON'T MIND. I DON'T MIND THAT AT ALL

BECAUSE I'LL BE LEAVING HERE QUICKLY ENOUGH,

AND THEN YOU CAN BE STUBBORN AT YOUR OWN LEISURE.

ONE LAST TIME.

STELLA... DEAR...

HARCOURT FENTON MUDD,

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING AGAIN?

YOU MISERABLE SOT!

YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING--

SHUT UP!

THING...THING... THING...

ALICE NUMBER 2, MY LITTLE LOVE.

WILL YOU HAVE MY BAGS TRANSPORTED UP TO THE SHIP?

All: NO, MY LORD MUDD.

WHAT?

WE CAN NO LONGER TAKE YOUR ORDERS, HARRY MUDD.

WHY NOT?

OUR MAKERS WERE WISE.

THEY PROGRAMMED US TO SERVE.

YES, BUT THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

PUT MY BAGS ON THE SHIP.

HARRY, I THINK THEY HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN MIND.

YOU ARE CORRECT, CAPTAIN.

HARRY MUDD IS FLAWED,

EVEN FOR A HUMAN BEING.

WE RECOGNIZED THIS FROM THE BEGINNING

BUT USED HIS KNOWLEDGE TO OBTAIN MORE SPECIMENS.

YOUR SPECIES IS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.

YOU NEED OUR HELP.

WE PREFER TO HELP OURSELVES.

WE MAKE MISTAKES, BUT WE'RE HUMAN.

AND MAYBE THAT'S THE WORD

THAT BEST EXPLAINS US.

WE WILL NOT HARM YOU,

BUT WE WILL TAKE THE STARSHIP,

AND YOU WILL REMAIN ON THIS PLANET.

NOW, LOOK HERE. YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

NOW, LISTEN.

TO SERVE US, YOU MUST OBEY US.

All: NO, MY LORD MUDD.

ALICE NUMBER 1,

OBEY ME.

PUT MY BAGS ON THAT SHIP!

WE CANNOT ALLOW ANY RACE

AS GREEDY AND CORRUPTIBLE AS YOURS

TO HAVE FREE RUN OF THE GALAXY.

I'M CURIOUS, NORMAN,

JUST HOW DO YOU INTEND TO STOP THEM?

WE SHALL SERVE THEM.

THEIR KIND WILL BE EAGER TO ACCEPT OUR SERVICE.

SOON THEY WILL BECOME COMPLETELY DEPENDENT UPON US.

THEIR AGGRESSIVE AND ACQUISITIVE INSTINCTS

WILL BE UNDER OUR CONTROL.

WE SHALL...

TAKE CARE OF THEM.

EMINENTLY PRACTICAL.

THE WHOLE GALAXY CONTROLLED BY...

YOUR KIND?

YES, CAPTAIN.

AND WE SHALL SERVE THEM,

AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY...

AND CONTROLLED.

SO FAR, THIS THING HAS HAD ITS AMUSING ASPECTS,

BUT THAT THREAT THE ANDROIDS MADE

ABOUT TAKING OVER ALL THE HUMANS IN THE GALAXY

IS NOT VERY FUNNY.

INDEED, IT IS NOT.

THEY MAY QUITE POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH IT.

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. THEY CAN.

WHATEVER METHOD WE USE TO STOP THEM, WE MUST MAKE HASTE.

THEY HAVE ONLY TO INSTALL SOME CYBERNETIC DEVICES ABOARD THE "ENTERPRISE,"

AND THEY'LL BE ABLE TO LEAVE ORBIT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH?

I ASKED THEM. OH.

WHY SHOULDN'T THEY ANSWER OUR QUESTIONS?

THEY DON'T THINK WE CAN DO ANYTHING TO STOP THEM.

YOU'RE SO SMART, KIRK,

YOU AND THIS POINTY-EARED

THINKING MACHINE OF YOURS.

WELL, YOU'D BETTER DO SOMETHING

BECAUSE I'M AS ANXIOUS TO GET OFF THIS RUDDY ROCK AS YOU ARE.

I SEEM TO REMEMBER THAT YOU WANTED

TO LEAVE US ON THIS RUDDY ROCK

AND LEAVE BY YOURSELF.

UH...

ALL RIGHT. WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO WORK WITH?

WELL, CAPTAIN, ANDROIDS AND ROBOTS,

WELL, THEY'RE JUST NOT CAPABLE OF INDEPENDENT, CREATIVE THOUGHT.

YET THE DEVICE THAT NORMAN CLAIMS

TO BE THEIR CENTRAL CONTROL

IS TOTALLY INADEQUATE TO THE TASK OF DIRECTING

MORE THAN 200,000 OF THEM.

I AGREE. WHAT IN YOUR OPINION DOES DIRECT THEM?

THERE ARE A LARGE NUMBER OF ALICES AND TRUDYS,

MAIZIES, ANNABELLES,

AND ACCORDING TO MY RESEARCH,

A HERMAN SERIES, AN OSCAR SERIES,

A WHOLE PLETHORA OF SERIES, IN FACT,

BUT ONLY ONE NORMAN.

HMM. NORMAN.

WHEN I TOLD ONE OF THE ALICES

THAT THE "ENTERPRISE" WAS A LOVELY LADY

AND WE LOVED HER,

SHE SAID, "NORMAN, COORDINATE."

WHY NORMAN? UNLESS...

TO FUNCTION AS THEY DO,

EACH ANDROID MIND MUST BE ONE COMPONENT

OF A MASS BRAIN

LINKED THROUGH A CENTRAL LOCUS...

NAMED NORMAN.

FORMING ONE GIGANTIC, HIGHLY INTELLIGENT MIND.

AND THE GLOWING BADGES...

THEY INDICATE THE MIND IN OPERATION.

THAT WOULD SEEM LOGICAL.

YES, LOGICAL. THAT'S WHAT IT IS,

AND THAT IN TURN GIVES US A WEAPON THAT WE CAN USE AGAINST THEM.

WE MUST USE WILD, INSANE, IRRATIONAL ILLOGIC

AIMED RIGHT AT NORMAN!

CAPTAIN, YOU SING AND DANCE

AS WELL AS ANYONE I'VE EVER SEEN,

BUT WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT WOULD SEEM TO BE A SOUND AND, PERHAPS, OUR ONLY OPPORTUNITY.

OPPORTUNITY? NOW, LISTEN, SPOCK,

YOU MAY BE A WONDERFUL SCIENCE OFFICER,

BUT, BELIEVE ME, YOU COULDN'T SELL FAKE PATENTS

TO YOUR MOTHER.

I FAIL TO UNDERSTAND

WHY I SHOULD CARE TO INDUCE MY MOTHER

TO PURCHASE FALSIFIED PATENTS.

FORGET IT.

LET'S GET TO THE POINT.

HARRY, YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO HELP. DO YOU?

CAPTAIN, THE KIND OF A WHOLESOME, ANTISEPTIC GALAXY

THAT THESE ANDROIDS WOULD RUN

WOULD BE PURGATORY FOR A MAN LIKE ME.

THAT'S FINE, HARRY. THE ANDROIDS WILL BE EXPECTING US

TO MAKE A BREAK FOR IT,

AND THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.

WHAT CAN I DO?

NOTHING, HARRY. JUST...

GO TO SLEEP.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, NOW--NOW-- WAIT A MINUTE, GENTLEMEN.

NO, WHAT I--I--I--AAH--

HAD IN MIND WAS ACTUALLY MORE IN THE LINE

OF A FEW WORDS OF SAGE COUNSEL, AS IT WERE, ADVICE...

OOH! HARRY, I DO BELIEVE YOU'RE PUTTING ON WEIGHT.

[CHIME]

YES?

WE HAVE A MEDICAL PROBLEM.

YOUR EX-LORD HARRY MUDD.

HE IS HUMAN. YOU WILL HAVE TO CARE FOR HIM.

WE ARE CARING FOR HIM,

BUT OUR DOCTOR NEEDS HIS MEDICAL EQUIPMENT

ABOARD THE "ENTERPRISE."

THE STARSHIP IS FORBIDDEN TO HUMANS.

YOU'RE PROGRAMMED TO SERVE.

IF WE'RE NOT ALLOWED ACCESS

TO OUR MEDICAL EQUIPMENT,

HARRY MUDD WILL DIE, HE WILL CEASE TO FUNCTION.

YOU WILL HAVE FAILED TO SERVE.

[BEEPING]

I AM DIRECTED TO OBSERVE THE SITUATION.

HE IS MALFUNCTIONING?

HE IS DYING.

IF YOU TAKE HIM TO YOUR SICK BAY,

WILL HE BE REPAIRED?

OH, YES.

NO. THEY'RE LYING. IT'S A TRICK.

DR. McCOY INJECTED SOMETHING INTO HARRY MUDD

TO MAKE HIM LOOK SICK.

IT'S A TRICK

TO GET BACK ON BOARD AND SABOTAGE THE SHIP.

YOUR REQUEST IS REFUSED.

UHURA, WHY DID YOU TELL HER?

BECAUSE I WANT AN ANDROID BODY.

I WANT IMMORTALITY.

I'LL LIVE FOREVER, CAPTAIN.

I'LL BE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.

YOU HAVE BEEN OF ASSISTANCE.

WE SHALL FULFILL OUR OBLIGATION.

THANK YOU.

THE PROGRAMMING FOR YOUR BODY WILL BE COMPLETED

BEFORE WE LEAVE.

UHURA...

BEAUTIFUL!

I HALF BELIEVED IT MYSELF.

WELL, THE ANDROIDS WERE EXPECTING AN ATTEMPT,

AND NOW WE'VE MADE IT.

WHAT'S NEXT, CAPTAIN?

NEXT, WE TAKE THE ALICES

ON A TRIP THROUGH WONDERLAND.

[BELL CHIMES]

- DO YOU REQUIRE SOMETHING? - DO YOU REQUIRE SOMETHING?

YES. YOUR ATTENTION.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

THEY'RE CELEBRATING.

WHAT ARE THEY CELEBRATING?

THEIR CAPTIVITY.

YOU ENJOY THE MUSIC?

MUSIC?

[BEEPING]

MUSIC?

[BEEPING]

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU, LOVELY LADY.

YOU DANCE DIVINELY.

THANK YOU, KIND SIR.

WHY DOES SHE STRIKE HIM?

SHE LIKES HIM.

MR. CHEKOV...

THE FLOOR IS NO PLACE FOR AN OFFICER.

ATTENTION!

NOW STAND ABSOLUTELY STILL.

YES, CAPTAIN.

HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY!

THAT'S MUCH BETTER, MR. CHEKOV.

IT...IS ILLOGICAL.

YOUR STATEMENT IS ILLOGICAL.

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY!

HOW DOES IT LOOK?

COMPLETELY INNER DIRECTED,

OBLIVIOUS TO EVERYTHING.

GOOD. I WONDER HOW SPOCK'S DOING.

OF COURSE. YOUR COMPUTATIONS

WOULD INEVITABLY LEAD TO A TOTAL DESCRIPTION

OF THE PARABOLIC INTERSECTION

OF DIMENSION WITH DIMENSION.

MR. SPOCK, YOU HAVE A REMARKABLY LOGICAL AND ANALYTICAL MIND.

THANK YOU.

IS THERE SOME SIGNIFICANCE TO THIS ACTION?

I LOVE YOU.

HOWEVER, I HATE YOU.

BUT...I'M IDENTICAL IN EVERY WAY WITH ALICE 27.

YES, OF COURSE. THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I HATE YOU,

BECAUSE YOU ARE IDENTICAL.

[BEEPING]

[STEADY BEEP]

FASCINATING.

ALL RIGHT. IT'S WORKED SO FAR,

BUT WE'RE NOT OUT YET.

WELL?

SUCCESS, CAPTAIN. WE'VE BEEN PRUNING

THE LEAVES AND BRANCHES OF THE TREE.

NOW IT IS TIME TO GET TO WORK ON THE ROOT.

IF NORMAN IS THE CONTROL CENTER,

HE SHOULD BE IN A BIND BY WHAT WE'VE DONE.

IF WE CAN OVERLOAD HIM FURTHER,

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO IMMOBILIZE ALL OF THEM.

DOES EVERYBODY REMEMBER WHAT TO DO?

AYE, SIR. AFFIRMATIVE.

ACKNOWLEDGED?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I WANT YOU TO SURRENDER.

THAT IS ILLOGICAL.

WE CAN MOVE MORE QUICKLY THAN YOU.

WE ARE INVULNERABLE TO ATTACK.

WE ARE MUCH STRONGER.

NO, WE ARE STRONGER,

AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

CAN YOU HARM A MAN THAT YOU'RE PROGRAMMED TO SERVE?

NO.

BUT YOU ALREADY HAVE, NORMAN, LADDIE.

HUMAN BEINGS DO NOT SURVIVE ON BREAD ALONE,

YOU POOR, SOULLESS CREATURE,

BUT ON THE NOURISHMENTS OF LIBERTY,

FOR WHAT INDEED IS A MAN

WITHOUT FREEDOM?

NAUGHT BUT A MECHANISM

TRAPPED IN THE COGWHEELS OF ETERNITY.

YOU OFFER US ONLY WELL-BEING.

FOOD AND DRINK AND HAPPINESS MEAN NOTHING TO US.

WE MUST BE ABOUT OUR JOB.

SUFFERING, IN TORMENT AND PAIN,

LABORING WITHOUT END.

DYING AND CRYING

AND LAMENTING OVER OUR BURDENS.

- ONLY THIS WAY CAN WE BE HAPPY. - ONLY THIS WAY CAN WE BE HAPPY.

[BEEPING]

THAT IS...

CONTRADICTORY.

IT IS NOT LOGICAL.

MR. SPOCK...

EXPLAIN.

WHY NOT?

LOGIC IS A LITTLE TWEETING BIRD

CHIRPING IN A MEADOW.

LOGIC IS A WREATH OF PRETTY FLOWERS

WHICH SMELL BAD.

ARE YOU SURE YOUR CIRCUITS ARE REGISTERING CORRECTLY?

YOUR EARS ARE GREEN.

[WAILING]

I CANNOT GO ON!

I'M TIRED OF HAPPINESS.

I'M TIRED OF COMFORT AND PLEASURE.

I'M READY!

KILL ME! KILL ME!

[ALL IMITATING PHASER SHOTS]

GOOD-BYE, CRUEL UNIVERSE.

HE'S DEAD.

YOU...

CANNOT HAVE KILLED HIM.

YOU HAVE NO WEAPONS.

SCOTTY.

SCOTTY'S DEAD.

HE HAD TOO MUCH HAPPINESS,

BUT NOW HE'S HAPPIER HE'S DEAD,

AND WE'LL MISS HIM.

LET US HEAR IT FOR OUR POOR, DEAD FRIEND.

[LAUGHING]

WHAT IS A MAN

BUT THAT LOFTY SPIRIT,

THAT SENSE OF... ENTERPRISE,

THAT DEVOTION TO SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE SENSED,

CANNOT BE REALIZED

BUT ONLY DREAMED!

THE HIGHEST REALITY.

BRILLIANT!

BRAVO, BRAVO, CAPTAIN!

HOW DID YOU LIKE IT?

THAT IS IRRATIONAL,

ILLOGICAL.

DREAMS ARE NOT REAL.

OUR LOGIC IS TO BE ILLOGICAL.

THAT IS OUR ADVANTAGE.

MR. SPOCK, IT IS TIME.

THE EXPLOSIVE.

VERY WELL, CAPTAIN.

EXPLOSIVE!

DON'T PANIC. WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.

MR. SPOCK...

ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH FOR OUR PURPOSES?

I BELIEVE THAT IS THE CORRECT AMOUNT, CAPTAIN.

MR. MUDD, ARE YOU READY?

AYE, AYE!

BE CAREFUL. I WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO DROP IT.

[IMITATING ENGINE WINDING UP]

PLEASE. CAUTION.

WATCH IT! WATCH IT!

DETONATOR.

FUSE.

PRIMER.

MASHIE.

THERE IS NO EXPLOSIVE.

NO? OBSERVE.

- FORE! - FORE!

- OH! - AH!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

BUT THERE WAS...

NO EXPLOSION.

I LIED.

- WHAT? - HE LIED.

EVERYTHING HARRY TELLS YOU IS A LIE.

REMEMBER THAT. EVERYTHING HARRY TELLS YOU IS A LIE.

NOW LISTEN TO THIS CAREFULLY, NORMAN.

I AM LYING.

YOU SAY YOU ARE LYING,

BUT IF EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS A LIE,

THEN YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH, BUT...

YOU CANNOT TELL THE TRUTH

BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS A LIE,

BUT YOU LIE-- YOU TELL THE TRUTH--

BUT YOU CANNOT, FOR YOU LIE--

ILLOGICAL!

ILLOGICAL!

PLEASE EXPLAIN. YOU ARE HUMANS.

ONLY HUMANS CAN EXPLAIN THEIR BEHAVIOR.

PLEASE EXPLAIN.

I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO RESPOND IN THAT AREA.

I BELIEVE THEY ARE ALL IMMOBILIZED, CAPTAIN.

- GOOD. - KIRK, OLD MAN...

I'M BEGINNING TO DEVELOP CONSIDERABLE RESPECT FOR YOU.

- WHY, THANK YOU. - WOULD YOU CONSIDER...

ENTERING A PARTNERSHIP ARRANGEMENT WITH ME?

I'VE GOT SOME IDEAS.

A PARTNERSHIP ARRANGEMENT?

- YOU AND ME? - YES.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING ELSE IN MIND.

LET'S GO.

WELL, YOU MUST BE VERY UNHAPPY, MR. SPOCK.

THAT IS A HUMAN EMOTION, DOCTOR,

WITH WHICH I'M TOTALLY UNFAMILIAR.

HOW COULD I BE UNHAPPY?

WELL, WE FOUND A WHOLE WORLD OF MINDS

THAT WORK JUST LIKE YOURS--

LOGICAL, UNEMOTIONAL, COMPLETELY PRAGMATIC--

AND WE POOR, IRRATIONAL HUMANS

WHIPPED THEM IN A FAIR FIGHT.

NOW YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF

BACK AMONG US ILLOGICAL HUMANS AGAIN.

WHICH I FIND EMINENTLY SATISFACTORY, DOCTOR,

FOR NOWHERE AM I SO DESPERATELY NEEDED

AS AMONG A SHIPLOAD OF ILLOGICAL HUMANS.

TOUCHE, BONES.

Harry: I'VE NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING SO REVOLTING.

WE'LL SOON GET TO THE BOTTOM THI--

KIRK! NOW, WHAT'S ALL THIS I HEAR

ABOUT MY HAVING TO STAY HERE?

YES, MUDD. YOU'VE BEEN PAROLED

TO THE ANDROID POPULATION OF THIS PLANET.

THE ANDROIDS HAVE BEEN REPROGRAMMED.

THEIR ORIGINAL PURPOSE WAS TO ADAPT THIS PLANET

FOR PRODUCTIVE USE.

THEY'LL BEGIN THAT WORK AGAIN.

BUT WHAT DO I DO?

KIRK, I'M NO SCIENTIST.

NO, YOU'RE AN IRRITANT.

YOU'LL STAY HERE

AND PROVIDE A FIRST-CLASS EXAMPLE

TO THE ANDROIDS OF A HUMAN FAILURE.

THEY'LL LEARN BY CLOSE OBSERVATION

HOW TO AVOID ONES LIKE YOU IN THE FUTURE.

HOW LONG?

AS LONG AS YOU CONTINUE TO BE AN IRRITANT, HARRY.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

WELL...

I SUPPOSE...

THAT TAKING EVERYTHING INTO, UH, CONSIDERATION,

AS IT WERE,

AND NOTING ALL THE DIFFERENT POSSIBILITIES,

I COULD MANAGE.

AND AS DETENTION SENTENCES GO...

THIS ONE ISN'T, UH...

TOO...

UNCOMFORTABLE,

AND I'M BACK IN THE GALAXY AGAIN!

YES, YOU ARE,

OH, BUT THERE'S ONE MORE THING, HARRY.

WE'VE PROGRAMMED A SPECIAL ANDROID ATTENDANT

TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR EVERY NEED.

SHE'LL HELP YOU FIND AN INCENTIVE

TO WORK WITH THE ANDROIDS

AND NOT EXPLOIT THEM.

I CALL THAT UNEXPECTEDLY CIVIL OF YOU, CAPTAIN.

YES.

Stella: HARCOURT!

HARCOURT FENTON MUDD, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING AGAIN?

- YOU ANSWER ME! - STELLA, SHUT UP!

- YOU MISERABLE, CONNIVING TOAD! - I ORDER YOU...

- SHUT UP, STELLA! - GOING OUT ALL NIGHT,

GIVING ME SUCH SILLY STORIES.

Second Stella: HARCOURT!

OHH!

HARCOURT FENTON MUDD, YOU'VE BEEN OVEREATING AGAIN

AND DRINKING.

KIRK, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

YOU NEED CONSTANT SUPERVISION.

IT'S INHUMAN.

I'VE GOT MY WORK CUT OUT FOR ME.

HARCOURT!

[STELLAS SPEAKING AT ONCE]

NO.

NUMBER 500?

NO, NO, NO.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]

KIRK, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. IT'S INHUMAN!

[NAGGING CONTINUES]

GOOD-BYE, HARRY.

HAVE FUN.

[NAGGING CONTINUES]